I’m going to share with you the music and movies that have captured my attention.

First off is a remake of a great 80s song.  This comes from Emily Browning (aka Babydoll) from the film Sucker Punch.  The movie SUCKED, but the soundtrack ROCKED.  Enjoy.

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I’ve had a lot of luck lately…luck in the $$$ $ense.  It’s brimming over the edges so much that my co-worker started getting some similar luck of her own (every lotto ticket is a winner?  You better believe it.).  We could say it was the luck of the Irish rubbing off…and it was only the beginning.

I always say that dipping into the karmic golden house of treasure means that you have to continuously refill it.  To generate some good luck, you’ve got to give something back. 

While I was in Lord & Taylor on 5th Avenue on Friday, I happened to be standing in the middle of the 2nd floor shoe department…one of the scariest places in all of New York City.  There are thousands upon thousands of shoes, women are jam packed on the floor snapping up shoes left and right, getting into cat fights, and the thought of finding a sales person to help you is like asking the hockey gods to give the Rangers another Cup this year (after all of that bad karma they generated).

I was standing there thinking…I knew I should have ordered those shoes online!  Right as I was getting overwhelmed by too too much…a saleslady found me standing there and asked me if I needed help.  Hallelujah!

I was looking for closed toed espadrilles with a heel.  All of the espadrilles with heels were open toed, and in NYC, that’s grounds for a broken foot. 

We found three pairs of closed toed espadrilles and I ended up taking home two pairs (one in black, one in gold). 

While she was putting the shoes on my feet, we got to talking.  I told her what I did for a living, and she told me her life story.  Believe it or not, she was working on her thesis for her masters and was in need of a tutor, because her writing wasn’t that great.  While I can’t take on any additional work (learning to say NO to new projects so I can finish my own projects), I told her I would help her find someone (with a Master’s) that can tutor her.

Not only that, but I gave her some tips on how to grow her resume, her career, and market herself.  It surprises me sometimes that people don’t understand the power of marketing oneself.  

When you are trying to sell your services to others out there…you can’t wait around for someone to notice you, you have to make some noise about yourself and what you can do.  No one is going to hand you your dream career, you have to show that you already own your dream career…everything else is just extra.

Everyone always shoots themselves down when they come up with a great idea.  If you keep doing that, you don’t belong in that dream.  When you dream about living the dream, do you shoot yourself down and say that you can’t do it or bask in the dream and how wonderful it feels?

You should NEVER tell yourself that you don’t deserve your best life ever.  We all deserve it.  In order to make a dream come true, it takes a lot of work.  

What?  You think Bill Gates woke up one morning, designed Microsoft overnight and became a billionaire?  No.  It took time, perseverance, patience, and training.  He spent a lot of time, work and effort into creating a system that everyone uses.  He had to work hard to make his dream a reality.

Every hockey player in the NHL had to work hard all of their life just to be worthy enough to have a regular job as a professional hockey player.  Someone didn’t just hand it to them one day and say, “Welcome to your new occupation.”   They had to prove to themselves and to the world that they were worthy enough to be there.  Even after they became a pro hockey player, they had to continue to work hard to keep their dream alive.

Rockstars spend hours upon hours recording hundreds of demos for the 10-20 songs that make it onto the album.  They have to come up with thousands of songs over the course of their career in order to keep their dream alive.

Writers write and write and write.  Before they can even have that bestseller, they have to write and write and write in order to perfect their craft and their voice.  They don’t wake up one day and say, “I’m going to write the best novel ever written,” without years worth of writing on hand. 

In order to live your dream, you have to work hard at it.  You have to market yourself.  You have to show the world why you are better than the person standing next to you. 

There’s a lot of work that goes into making a dream a reality.  If you want your dream to be real, you have to work at it until you realize that you are living the dream.

The old adage “practice makes perfect” is one of the most valuable lessons you will ever learn.  You have to practice doing what you love until you perfect it. 

I write every single day.  I publish an article or a blog post a few times a week.  I write and write and write so that I can perfect my craft.  There’s a lot of work that goes into a dream…and I have a lot of dreams.

If I wanted to be an amazing cook…I had to cook and cook and cook. 

If I wanted to be published…I had to keep publishing and publishing and publishing.

If I wanted to be heard…I had to raise my voice so it could be heard loud and clear.

The point is…someone is always watching you when you are working hard at achieving your dream.  They watch you grow.  They give you opportunities when they see that you have potential to be something amazing.  You never know who is watching.  Just keep doing what you’re doing and someone is bound to notice.

But keep in mind…if you’re not passionate about what you’re doing, then how can you expect someone else to be passionate about you or what you’re doing?  Dreams are meant to be lived passionately.  If there’s no passion, then that’s not your dream.

Do what you are passionate about.

….

On Saturday, I took my monthly trip to Tar-zhay (Target).  Since I only go once a month, I stock up and buy groceries while I’m there. 

I always overhear people lamenting about their financial woes as they walk out of the store with a new video game or other junk.

Every now and again, you see a father with his three kids trying to buy groceries.  He’s got three items in the cart that’s supposed to feed his family through the week.  You can’t help but feel bad for them, especially since my cart is overflowing with groceries along with other luxury items from Tar-zhay.  [It’s almost like seeing the rich take advantage of the poor man’s store.]

My heart goes out to them, but even I know…certain types of charity is not welcomed.  There are people that are prideful and don’t want charity.  I know, because I was that way when I had to live off of $80 a month for food.  Most times, I ended up starving.

If anything, I know there are lessons to be learned in the hardest of times.  For me, I learned that I didn’t have to live that way.  I could better my circumstances…and I did…on my own, with no one’s help.

As I waited for the cab to pick me up and take me home, little did I know that the universe was sending someone that needed my assistance. 

When the cab driver hopped out of the car to help me load the bags into the trunk, he picked up the buddha I had just bought and said, “I almost bought this to put at my girl’s memorial.” 

I looked at him and realized in that moment what was happening. 

I responded, “Oh really?”  [Ahem…this means that God is winking…]

I ended up listening to his life story in the short 10 minute cab ride home…which turned into 20 minutes because he took the long way. 

He had recently been offered a place to stay in Key West, Florida, and he wasn’t for sure if he should take the offer, because it was being given to him out of charity.  He was staying with his mother at the moment and they had a huge falling out recently.

He had been abused by his step-father since he was six years old.  His step-brothers beat him up and ridiculed him all throughout his life.  Even to this day (in his 50’s) they still give him a hard time.  His mother never sided with him.  She always sided with the step-father and his step-brothers.  [To any child, never having your parent in your corner is a horrible feeling.]

In his twenties, his child had died from leukemia.  After her death, he and his wife couldn’t keep their marriage together, so they parted (for obvious reasons). 

His second wife suffered from extreme depression and committed suicide a couple of years ago by throwing herself into the Passaic River. 

Her death was really difficult on him and he was having a hard time moving forward in life.

This Key West opportunity came from a friend who wanted to help him out.  She told him to move down there, since it will be a long time before they would even be able to go back down to the place.  All he had to do was pay the utilities.  He could go down there, housesit, find a job, and use their car while he’s there.  When he’s ready to move on, he can.

This opportunity came and he didn’t know what to do.  He felt like if he left, he would be moving on in life, forgetting about his wife.

I relayed my story on to him about moving to New York City.  A broken heart made me escape someone I loved dearly.  I was supposed to move to Los Angeles, but instead flew to NYC, got a job and in two weeks, packed up my stuff and moved there.  No one knew (except my family), and a week after I had settled in I sent an email to the rockstar and all of our friends announcing that I had moved to NYC.

I took a slim opportunity and left.  I had to do it for my own sanity and for myself.  I still sit here and think…if I hadn’t taken that chance, I would have never had such an amazing life afterwards.

I also told him that I believe that when people die, they bestow a wish upon those dearest to them…to help them out on their journey in life.  I told him that I believe this opportunity to move to Key West is that blessing from his wife.  It’s a way for him to move on in life and be happy.  His wife would want him to be happy.

He said that he felt that if he did leave, he’d be leaving her and her memorial behind.

I said, “That doesn’t matter.  I find that they follow you wherever you go.”

He fought back the tears and said, “You know, that’s what I needed to hear.  You just convinced me to go.” 

He helped me unload my purchases, and I gave him the fare and a $20 tip.  He protested it was too much.  I said, “You’re starting off on a new journey in life.  Every little bit helps.”

He took my hand and kissed it.  With tears in his eyes he said, “Thank you.  You were my angel today.”

…….

This weekend’s ‘refilling the karmic bank’ came at a weird moment.  I was tested earlier in the week with strange things that I’ve never encountered before.

After meeting these two random strangers I realized I had been tested and passed both tests.  I still made the same choice I always make, because there are things in life that frighten the hell out of me…and that all lies in the choices people make in being human.

People choose to live with drama rather than peace.  People choose to hold onto things that are keeping them “stuck in a moment that they can get out of.”  It’s a choice.

People can let go of the drama, the worries and hell that they’re living in and CHOOSE to have a better day.  They can choose to get out of that moment they are stuck in and run like fucking hell and not stop until they get to that place where they know they can start life over again anew. 

I told that cab driver to go to Key West and when he gets there, let the past be the past.  Forget the drama that happened before.  Let this mark a new day and a new life.  Focus on the good that will come of it and remember to say your thanks to whichever God you talk to. 

Starting a new life is never easy, especially when you are coming from a world that left you in shambles.  Sometimes when that moment keeps getting worse and worse, it’s a sign from God that this world is not for you anymore.  When he opens a new door, run through it and don’t stop running until you feel safe.

I was once in this man’s shoes.  Sure, it’s scary thinking about moving someplace so foreign to you.  But when God offers you an opportunity, you seize it and never look back.

People have to ask themselves, do you trust God that he knows a better way?  If your way isn’t working out, wouldn’t his way be better?

People like to be in control at all times.  They fear what it would mean to lose control and let God take the reins.

I can tell you from experience, I let God lead me to NYC.  I didn’t know why he chose NYC for me, but I went regardless.  I let him take over the reins completely while I tried to put back the pieces of my shattered existence.  He made sure I didn’t starve anymore.  He put me in a place where I made more money than I’ve ever made in my entire life.  He put me in good company with good people.  He gave me everything I’ve ever needed and wanted and gave me more on top of it all.

He introduced me to hockey.  He encouraged me to write and keep writing in my journal.  He introduced me to celebrities that would help push me in a new direction in life.  He gave me an incredible life, an incredible journey, more money than I know what to do with, a good home, a stocked pantry and fridge, and a dream made into reality.

I let God take the reins in my life.  It’s been the most magical ride I’ve ever been on.  He pushed me in this direction and I don’t regret living in God’s plan for me at all.  His plan was so much better than my plan for myself.  With that, I give thanks.

In recent years, I’ve learned to let go of the drama this world generates.  You never know just how unimportant holding onto drama is until you let go of it.  People don’t understand why I don’t care about other people’s drama.  It’s not mine, so why should I let it clutter up in my world and stress me out?  I don’t feel better by holding on to drama.  I actually feel miserable.  So why would I do that to myself? 

Sometimes letting go of that moment you’re stuck in, is the best thing you can do for yourself.  Letting go is one regret that you’ll never have.

If you have only one life, wouldn’t you want to make this life the most meaningful existence you’ll ever have?  You have this opportunity to live.  Don’t let someone else dictate to you how you want to live.  You know in your heart how you can free yourself from the chains and have an amazing life.  It just takes faith that there’s something better for you.

My theme song since I came to NYC is “A New Day Has Come” by Celine Dion.  Every word in this song gives me goosebumps because it’s a reminder that I chose God’s path in life, because I trusted that his way was more amazing than my way.  I don’t regret that choice at all.

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don’t shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I’d make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it’s almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has…come

Where it was dark now there’s light
Where there was pain now there’s joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush, now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it’s almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has…come

So for those out there that can’t see beyond the moment, look for the light at the end of the tunnel.  Believe that it’s there.  Let go of the drama and run like hell when that door opens.  That is your new day.  Seize God’s moment when he gives it to you.

Since the Devils season ended, I’ve been forced by both jobs to take a much needed break.  I’m not allowed to clock out after 5:30PM.  I need to clock out at 5:30PM.  No more staying late in the office.  No more hockey writing until the playoff season is over (unless I’m needed in Rangersville). 

Perhaps this is the bosses’ way of saying…you’re burnt out…you need to rest.

[Just funny that it came up in my Tarot cards before both bosses recommended I stop working so much.] 

At first, clocking out at 5:30PM was a difficult task to do.  So I clocked out at 5:44PM (still do…it’s better than 6:30PM or 7:30PM).  Getting home before 7PM has had me wondering what in the world I’m supposed to do with all of this extra time I now have on my hands.  It’s weird.

Do I fill it up with dinner dates, movies, or shows?  No…that gets pretty expensive very quickly.  Do I join a gym?  No…the doctor would overrule it in less than a week (no joke).  Do I start taking classes at NYU?  It’s a possibility, but classes for the summer haven’t started yet.

So what am I to do? 

How about…NOTHING?  Dolce far niente!  (The sweetness of doing nothing.)

Of course, in American society doing absolutely nothing usually entails sitting in front of the television and watching crap all day long.  What Americans consider doing nothing doesn’t embrace the true essence of doing nothing.

So what is a girl to do?

Well, thankfully, it’s spring, which means it’s spring cleaning time.  I picked up a book on de-cluttering at the library and learned some valuable lessons.  I realized that I kept flipping through home magazine after home magazine for things to buy to make the apartment seem nicer (or find pics of things I wanted to add to my future house).  Then I realized, maybe the real issue is not that I’m unhappy with the way the home looks…it’s that I have too much stuff and I don’t know what to do with it all. 

I established some new ground rules.  If an item doesn’t have a home…it’s gone.  If I don’t love it…it’s gone.  If I’m holding on to it because I think I’ll need it later…it’s gone.  I find that I hold onto bags and boxes for presents, but when Xmas comes around, I just have them box it up and wrap it for me because I hate wrapping stuff up.  So I’m holding onto this stuff…WHY?

On Sunday, I washed the slipcover to the couch.  Put it back on (over the cat, because she didn’t want to move…don’t worry, at the last tuck in, I made her get out from under the slipcover), and then repositioned the pillows another way to give it a new look.  The living room looks perfect right now…so we no longer use the living room anymore. 

I know…it doesn’t make sense, but I don’t want to disrupt the chi in the room just yet.

I reorganized the top of my dresser in the bedroom.  I finally put all of those Tiffany boxes to good use.  I realized that as I upgraded my life, I still held on to some of the stuff I bought when I first started out in NYC.  I didn’t let go of it when I upgraded in life.  Instead, I kept looking at it thinking…I hate this thing…but I keep it for its functionality.  I was holding onto the past and not letting go of it when I upgraded my life.

That’s all changed.  Now, the bedroom is filled with things that I love.  The first jewelry box I ever bought when I came to NYC…off to the thrift shops.  The antique tin canister that came from my Grandfather now houses my jewelry.  That piece is something I love.  It brings back great memories…and it’s a beautiful piece.

The plate (where I held all of my Hermes, Vera Wang, Chanel, and Bulgari parfums) I picked up from the Dollar store was not my style at all, but I needed something to display my $100+ parfums on.  That bottle of Vera Wang was the first bottle of parfum that I bought that told me that I had finally made it.  It was that big item purchase I had always lusted for.  Imagine being in the store and realizing, “I can now afford this without breaking the bank or going into debt.” 

Yet, I displayed it on this Dollar store plate.  I hated that plate. 

In my haste to get rid of that thing once and for all, I grabbed the biggest Tiffany box I had and put all of the parfum bottles in it.  I grabbed a smaller Tiffany box and put all of the samples they kept giving me at Saks and at the Dior counters.  I tied a white ribbon around the big Tiffany box and stood back and thought…wow…now, this I love.

It matches that antique tin canister from my Grandfather.

Everything is now PERFECT.

The cat and I spend a lot of time in the bedroom lounging around on the down bed and down pillows.  It’s a comfort zone where I can feel relaxed and at home.  I can flip through magazines, read the latest book on my nightstand, or even watch the latest movie or cartoon.  This is where I do my dolce far niente. 

In the kitchen, I listen to the ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ soundtrack, dance for the cat, and whip up recipes that make my mouth sing.  I flip through Clean Eating magazine and make out my grocery lists.  I re-organize everything.  I make it look like a kitchen I would love cooking in. 

When I do cook, I serve the food on a gold plate I picked up from Neiman Marcus (on sale, of course).  I whip up a fruit smoothie (sans milk products), and drink it from a wine glass.

This is what it means to enjoy the sweetness of doing nothing.  There’s no stress in a decluttered home.  There’s peace and tranquility.  You appreciate the things around you, because you take time to value the things you love, especially when they’re not overwhelming you.  You start to use the things you bought to enhance your enjoyment of life, rather than let it sit there and collect dust. 

It makes cleaning easier (and less time goes into it).  You spend your time enjoying what is in your home, rather than letting your home stress you out and overwhelm you.

Over the years, I’ve picked up special ingredients from the countries I’ve visited.  From London, I have tea from Fortunum & Mason, tzatziki powder from Santorini, Greece, curry powder from Dublin, and chocolates/desserts from Prague.  In a kitchen filled with mementos from all over the world, I try to make sure I re-live those memories through taste, sight and smell.  That’s what makes my kitchen so worldly…and wonderful.

Another thing I decided to do for myself in the art of doing nothing…I decided to prepare for the big month long vacation this fall.  Since the body will be demanding a lot of walking and standing for hours upon hours on end, I decided to start going out and acting like a tourist. 

I walked to the next town and took a look around at what they had to offer.  I found French restaurants, an Irish pub, Mexican restaurants, and lots of other amazing places.  I found a new Thai restaurant that is owned by one of the top Thai chefs in the world.  He also offers cooking classes (sign me up!). 

I stopped to check out the herbs and veggies at the local hardware store that are ready for the planting.  I may be planting some of their lettuce and Italian parsley this year. 

I even picked up a baguette and a couple of chocolate dipped biscotti.  The last time I had a biscotti was years ago at my aunt’s place when we had coffee one morning (they love the whole English afternoon tea parties).

The biscotti was a nice treat to have with my coffee later that afternoon while reading “98 Reasons for Being” while the rain was pouring down outside. 

What I’ve learned in dolce far niente is that the act of doing nothing is another form of happiness. 

There’s less stress.  I fall asleep early and end up waking up early.  I’m not struggling to get out of bed at 7AM. 

Lunches are prepared well ahead of time and ready to take into work.  I have time to come up with new recipes or just take some time to make some of my favorite recipes I’ve grown to love over the years.  I also have time in the morning to have breakfast…at home!

I have plenty of time to do the things I’d like to do, instead of putting it all off for later.  I can do everything now at my own leisure. 

If I want to go to the movies after work, I can buy the ticket online and just go.  If I want to try out a new restaurant, I can.

Before, everything was just so rushed.  Even meeting friends at a restaurant…stressed to get there, spend time with them, talk about god knows what, and have to sit there and watch them get drunk or talk about their stressed out lives and all of the crap they’ve got to do in the next ten minutes. 

I don’t have to deal with that when I’m practicing the art of doing nothing on my own.  I don’t have to look at the person sitting in front of me who looks like their hair is about to fall out due to all of the stress.  Instead, I can just sit back and enjoy each morsel, the weather, and the sweetness of doing nothing.

One person asked me recently why I would go by myself.  I need to go with someone.  I shouldn’t be alone.  I just looked at them and thought…you’re the type of person that’s afraid to be alone. 

This journey is not about finding happiness with or in others.  It’s about finding the happiness within.  It’s about letting go of all of those things that I’ve been carrying around that clutters up my life.  It’s about seizing the day and finding that peace and tranquility within.  It’s about letting go of the things I don’t need (like stress and other people’s drama), and learning to live a good life. 

We spend so much time trying to accomplish things in life that we sometimes don’t take time to live.  We don’t appreciate what life has to offer.  We’ve forgotten how wonderful it feels to get a good night’s rest on a continuous basis.  We’ve taken the love and passion out of the things we put into our bodies.  We clutter up our lives with the non-essentials that we thought were essential to living our best life.

Even inside, we carry around our sadness instead of letting it go…even when we’ve upgraded to a better life.  We carry that weight around us.  People see it.  Some people even sense it. 

The way people describe me…I’m a very nice person (a very good person), but I carry a great sadness within.  They can tell that something happened to me.  It was only recently that I realized what that great sadness was.  It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what event did the most harm and makes us the way we are today, especially when there are so many events that shape us.

When you give up a dream to live an alternate life, that can cause a great sadness.  When you love someone that you know was fated to be the person that you will love for the rest of your life, and you know that it can never be…that will cause a great sadness.  When you give up a life that was meant to be your path in life because you were completely shattered, you lose a sense of yourself.  That will cause great sadness.

Last night, I had a dream that will help detail how I will write about this ‘tragedy’ everyone keeps telling me to write.  I decided a long time ago that I would fictionalize what happened, but keep the main premise of the story very real.  I just didn’t know how I would change the story around but keep the main elements in tact. 

Last night’s dream set the stage. 

You know how they say that your life keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over again until you learn the lesson?  It just happens with a different person, but it’s the same story.

I decided to change the person, the place and the careers.  Then I’m going to change the way the story ends by fixing it and writing it the way the story should have ended to begin with.  That’s how the story will be written.

Perhaps writing that story and correcting the way the story ended will be the way I resolve the real-life drama. 

There’s an element I’ve not shared yet in this blog that will be included in the story.  A few years ago, I found out from a mutual friend that FATE had said that he would have had a child with me if it meant I would stay.  When I heard that, I think my whole world collapsed under me.  I kept thinking, “Did I make a mistake by leaving?” 

If he had said “I love you” before I left, I probably would have never left.  If I had known about his desire to have a child with me, I would have never left.

But according to the dream, I would have left even if we did have a child together.  I would have lied so that he would never know.  But sometimes the heart gets the better of the situation and he would have found out…always with that shocked look of…this is why you left me?

There are songs out there that talk about trying to get him to tell me those three words.  You’re in love with your best friend…on top of the world when you’re with her…but you can’t tell her you love her because you’re too busy playing the most wanted bachelor around.  You lose her because you can’t tell her that you love her.  You tell her anything BUT that.  You lose your best friend because of it.

I can tell when he’s thinking about me, just as much as I know he can tell when I’m thinking about him.  It’s that great sorrow that fills up inside.  It’s that question that has no answer, “Where did it all go wrong?”

You love and then you lose them forever.  Amends can’t be made.  You can’t go back to the way things used to be, because someone was seriously hurt. 

The way the book is being written…it’s about second chances.  I won’t pretty down the inevitable.  She’s leaving the guy for all of the same reasons.  But time shows that even the emptiness felt when you try to find love with others means that the love you have for that person is still there.  It can’t be extinguished.  It can’t be broken.  That love is always there, no matter how much we want it to go away.  It’s still there.

I just feel that the way this tale will be written is the way I would have wanted the fate lines to have been written.  I’m going to correct it for these characters, because those we continue to love deeply deserve a second chance.

I think that once I finish writing this tale, that clutter will officially be removed from inside of me.  It’s my way of letting the pain go.  In my mind, I think I’m ready.  (Thus, the dream living out the tale.)

I’m not doing this to move on in life and find a new love or what have you.  I’m doing this for myself.  From tragedy comes the tale that I hope will serve a greater purpose…when fate knocks on your door…you have to tell her you love her.  That’s the lesson, because not everyone gets a second chance.

Since the season is over and I can take a little breather until the off-season ends (unless I have to hit Rangers territory), I usually spend my time reading up on other important things…like what to do when I’m in London…what’s the cheapest, most efficient way to get around, where to go, and what events I NEED to attend.

Even though planning my big month long trip to Europe and Africa is important…so are these other sites that I seem to stalk a lot.

Here are the sites I’m reading. 

1.  The Looks For Less.  This is probably one of my favorite sites.  I’ve always loved the idea of picking up a few pieces that match what a celebrity has worn.  I’m used to paying for the real thing (on sale).  Who knew you could pick up the same look NOW by buying the look for less.  It was a brilliant idea.  I’ve picked up nail polish (in that lovely Tiffany blue) that cost $5 as compared to Chanel’s $45 limited edition bottle.  I’ve picked up the Fendi Peekaboo Tote ($2,250) lookalike from HandbagHeaven.com for only $45.  I didn’t buy it because it was a Fendi lookalike.  It was only later after I bought the bag that I discovered that it was a Fendi lookalike.

If it wasn’t for The Looks For Less, I never would have discovered Handbag Heaven.  I’m a Handbag Addict (just ask anyone that knows me).  Handbag Heaven has so many of the designs I like, without the designer name on it, with a more affordable price tag to it.

The lesson of being a recessionista…be frugal, but never sacrifice style.

2.  Your Next Handbag.  This is such a dangerous site for me.  BUT because Your Next Handbag started following me on Twitter…I started following them back because their blog FUELS my handbag passion!

I found new brands like Big Buddha.  I even ordered a BCBGeneration bag that everyone always compliments.  I just recently ordered the MICCO bag from Shoe Dazzle for $31.  It was Kim Kardashian’s pick…and a beauty of a pick it was.  It’s uber sexy.  Lots of ladies were eyeing the bag this morning.

I’ve even splurged on some new looks at Saks Fifth Avenue thanks to Your Next Handbag.  Their name says it all…they kind of dictate what my next handbag is going to be each and every week. 

3.  Wallet Pop.  I just recently discovered this site, thanks to author and financial wizard David Bach.  There are so many articles on there that provide a wealth of knowledge on personal finance.  From being frugal, to saving, to the celebrities and their financial woes…there is a wealth of information on there.  You thank yourself in the end after reading all of the articles that relate to how you can grow your wealth even further.

4.  Sample Sale Sites.  The ladies at work really make fun of me because I always have something new that looks so nice and fashionable.  Yes, this adopted NYer has to look like a fashionista…but I swear to you, I won’t pay the insane cost that goes with it. 

So how can I afford a new wardrobe every season? 

Sites like ideeli.com, Beyond The Rack, Rue La La, Haute Look, Gilt and Modnique fuel my lust for labels and also provide really nice stuff for the sample sale price.

Some of the great deals I’ve scored:  Burberry bag for $342.50 (retail was $695) from Rue La La; Valentino heels for $88 from Modnique; FREE serving plate from Gilt just for trying out their site; gowns and dresses galore for $39 from ideeli, and a FREE Juicy Couture handbag (retail $395) from Beyond the Rack.

How do I get these things free?  Well, sometimes they mess up or the retailer messes up so I get a $25 credit.  Other times, people shop the links I send…I get free credits towards purchases.  Gilt also sent me a random $30 credit to buy anything in their home store.  I got a beautiful Tiffany blue plate I had been coveting for months for FREE. 

That’s what I like about these sample sale sites (invitation only).  You not only get rewarded for shopping or having hassles, but you get rewarded for bringing new people to them. 

On average, every single day between 11am-1pm, I stalk all of these sample sale sites looking for the next best thing to add to my wardrobe…at a fraction of the price. 

5.  Coupon Sites.  If you’ve heard of Groupon, you may not have heard of Living Social or Gilt City.  My favorite of the three is Gilt City.  I can always find a deal I absolutely love on Gilt City for an amazing price.  Groupon is a hit or miss.  I probably grab a coupon from them once every two to three months (Living Social is the same). 

Gilt City has amazing deals, especially for those living close to big cities.  They’re based in NYC, so there are a lot of big time social events they get discounted tix to.  They even sell VIP packages to some of the biggest concerts around (Coachella, Kylie Minogue).  Gilt City caters to the fashionista/former socialite in me. 

All the big fundraiser events…they not only have discounted tix, but their package deal is better.  It puts the VIP next to YOUR NAME.

6. Consignment Stores.  On Que Style is the place for every broke fashionista out there.  If you want the label…this is the place to get it…SECOND HAND.  Most items are well cared for and inexpensive.  If you like Coach, you can find a few bags under $50.  I prefer the bigger labels.

Christian Louboutin heels for $295?  Why…it’s doable. 

Other places like Housing Works and Goodwill allow you to bid on items.  They are slightly more used, but sometimes you can find gems on there.  I’ve bought Hermes plates and Tiffany & Co. home items for minimal prices.

7.  The Outnet.  I can’t tell you how much I’m in love with The Outnet.  Not only are everyday prices so gosh darn cheap from the big name designers, but that Anniversary Sale is what makes me an absolute lover of the site.

Today, I snatched up a $4,358 Valentino dress for…

WAIT
FOR
IT
…
…

TWO DOLLARS.

I’m not joking when I say that.  I got a $4,358 Valentino dress for $2.  The Outnet’s 2 year anniversary $2 sale was only open to 2000 shoppers worldwide (you had to have a golden ticket to shop the event).  I was fortunate to get a ticket as one of the top 200 sharers (meaning…the links I kept posting up everywhere…there were enough people signing up for the sale to put me in the top 200 sharers worldwide to get a golden ticket).

Am I keeping the Valentino dress?  No.  I’m actually not.  It’s going to consignment.  I was bummed that I wasn’t able to grab the Fendi bag, so I’m going to take the proceeds from the Valentino dress and get either a Valentino or Fendi bag from Saks and a Josie Natori dress (yes, there will be enough leftover to pocket some cash.  I’m thinking it will be no less than $1000 in the bank.)

Not a bad investment for $2, right?  [Yes, this officially makes this the best deal I have ever scored.]

8.  Travel.  Since I’ll be traveling to a couple of different countries prior to my trip to Morocco, I’m responsible for figuring out how to get there, where I’ll be staying and what I’ll be doing.

Places like Just Luxe, Bing.com, and Hotels.com have been my sources on where to book. 

Bing.com I check every single day to see if the price for my round-trip flight to London has dropped.  I’ve also found websites through Bing.com that offer cheaper airfare between European countries and Africa, like EasyJet.com.

Since my preferred airlines is Continental, I’m on their site every single day checking flight prices, as well as keeping track of my mileage.  Since I do a lot of my online ordering through Continental.com, I earn miles with places like Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales, Crate and Barrel, Target and Overstock.com.  I even use TurboTax for my taxes just to make sure I bring in a few 1000s of miles.

9.  Recycle Bank.  What better way to recycle than to be rewarded for doing a good deed?  Recycle Bank allows you to earn points to use towards coupons and prizes when you recycle.

They have a lot of sponsors lined up to encourage recycling.  From Ziploc to Aveeno to Macy’s…there are numerous ways they encourage you to recycle and get rewarded. 

There’s also a wealth of information on there that can help you learn more on how to go green at home.  I went green at home….I can’t tell you how much healthier I am because of it.

The big thing for me about this site is that it combines going green with being frugal.  For parents with small children, they have clothing swaps (love this).  I have a strange obsession with Ziploc bags.  They are probably the coolest accessory for my kitchen.  I use them to put my lunch in (so that the food doesn’t leak out all over me or my bag while I’m taking it to work).  I use them to organize all of the napkins and plasticware restaurants give to me.  I use it to organize various items in the refrigerator (like cheese). 

The great thing about Ziploc is that you can recycle the bags at your local grocery store!  They’ll also reward you for doing it (by entering in the RecycleBank code on the side of the box). 

****

So this off season, take a gander around at these various sites.  You’ll find amazing deals.  You’ll find new trends.  You’ll even learn a thing or two about money and going green.

It’s the springtime, which means that my off-season is right around the corner.  While my friends are rejoicing that my schedule is now freeing up, we still have activities to plan!  What helps in this economy are severely discounted tickets.

What also goes hand in hand is dressing the part.

So…here are the top deals on the net right now.

1.  NY Yankees.  I hate baseball.  I don’t see the point of it.  But I will go to Yankees games just for the hell of it, because, as one person said to me today, it’s about the atmosphere, not the game itself.  I usually can score free tickets, but since the new arena made the prices go up, no one was buying tickets (or giving them away).  So this season…the Yankees are offering $5 tickets. $5 Yankees Tickets 

Chicago White Sox…awaits! 

2.  NY/NJ Red Bulls.  Well, if you missed the big Groupon sale today…then you missed it!  $15 tix to the game on April 16th (which also includes your choice of scarf or t-shirt).  If I were you, I’d sign up for Groupon notifications so you don’t miss out the next time a great deal comes up.  NJ Devils tickets have hit the site several times. Click Here to sign up for Groupon

3.  The $2 Anniversary Sale.  So I saw a former hockey player sign up for this mega-sale…most likely for the wife.  The Outnet (a luxury sample sale site at seriously discounted prices) is having their annual anniversary sale.  Since this is their 2 year anniversary, everything on the site is $2.  Yes, I said $2.  Yes, those Prada boots are $2.  Yes, those Christian Louboutin heels are $2.  Yes, that Valentino bag is $2.  Trust me, it’s $2.  BUT, not just anyone can shop the $2 sale.  You have to win a ticket and only 2000 tickets are available (trust me, this is like finding the friggin golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s factory!). 

HOW? SIGN UP HERE

They are selecting 200 emails daily.  Also, another 200 tickets go out to those top people who pass the word along to the most people.  Luckily, you only have to sign up once to get that email in there.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Last year’s anniversary sale was for $1.  Women walked away with $1 Louboutin shoes!  So jealous!

4.  Movie Tickets on the Cheap!  Every now and again Living Social (like Groupon) has Daily Deals.  I’ve scored movie tix for $7 from Living Social.  These deals are great for me and my friends because we can never justify going to the movies for $11-$13.  Thanks to Living Social, Harry Potter is already paid for in advance! 

Click Here to Sign Up for Living Social Deals

Living Social isn’t the only cool place to get great deals.  I’ve gotten great deals from Gilt City.  All you can eat BBQ at Justin Timberlake’s restaurant Southern Hospitality?  You bet…and on the cheap.  Oh, and they threw in some all you can drink beer too. 

Movie tickets, discounts for restaurants, spas, and some of the biggest ‘social’ events in town…all on Gilt City.

5.  Now, I know you’re waiting on me to say something about FREE.  Well, all I can say is that I’ve been collecting goodies around the NHL and the hockey realm for 4:00 Trivia now that the off season is getting ready to start. 

There are goodies from various sponsors.  Kevin Weekes just autographed all of my photos/artwork and sent them back to me for this summer’s trivia contest.  There are the various goodies given to me from players in Prague…and goodies given out at various NHL arenas.  Brooklynite and the Puck Agency are also sending some Brooklynite gear.  The list keeps growing. 

That means, because there are more prizes…the contest now turns into a weekly contest rather than a monthly contest. 

6.  Shecky’s.  Ladies…grab your girlfriends and head to the Girls Night Out near you.

I’ll admit that I go only for the goodie bag…but when you bring the girls, you have to booze it up with the free drink tickets. 😉 

Major discounts on amazing stuff.  I tend to find some great dresses there for $20-$25. 

The earlier you book tickets the cheaper the tickets get.  $10 off for early birds.  The goodie bags alone are worth every penny. 😉

For NYC, the next big event is June 22-24.  I’ll be in Vegas, but trust me when I say, I’ll be there by the 24th!

7.  Last, but not least…a true fashionista has to have a booming closet, right? 

Since I order my wardrobe before the new season starts, my wardrobe arrives a few weeks before the items hit the store shelves.  I must be rolling in the dough, right?  Or maybe I’m just saving a lot of dough by shopping at the right places.  Here are some hints from some major sites.  [They do sell guy stuff on these sites too!]

a) Ideeli.com has been a big go to for dresses for me.  I can’t tell you how many guys have stopped me to tell me that they liked my dress.  All of those dresses came from Ideeli.  [Note: When do men ever tell a lady that they like their clothes?  Start shopping!]

b) Modnique.com is one of my favorite sites.  I get a lot of my bags from them…and I am a handbag addict.  I even got a pair of Valentino shoes for $88.  Unthinkable!  But true! 

c) Rue La La has become my most loved site.  Why?  Because Psycho Puck Lady bought a Burberry bag in Japan that could not be found anywhere in all of North America…until…Rue La La featured it in their Burberry sale.  Not only did I get the Psycho’s signature Burberry bag, BUT I got it at half the price she paid for it (yes, she hates me now). 

So instead of $695 for the bag, I paid $347.50.  Where can you get Burberry bags that cheap?  WHERE?

What I love about Rue La La is that they take the biggest designers around (Chanel, Burberry, Prada, etc.) and bring their prices down to where they are actually affordable. 

So shop on.  The trick to a fashionable wardrobe is to buy qualitative (and your favorite designers) without paying the retail price.  Super sale discounts are every shopaholics fantasy come true.

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed some odd tweets to the Universe.  As in the…”Dear Universe…you’re messing with me.  Stop.”

This morning, I relayed onto my friend all of the events that occurred yesterday and she just looked at me like…”Whoa, that is really deep.” 

So I’m going to share with everyone today the things that I only discuss with my girlfriends.  That stuff that…I don’t know…guys always wonder what we’re discussing when we are on a roadie that never quite makes it into our blogs…

Yesterday started off like any other day.  Blog post talking about the past led to other items from the past being brought up in the universal way of my world.  In particular, two people were brought up yesterday in the universe’s weird f*cking way.  [No, not a happy post today, but something that winds up in the book.]

The first one came as a bit of sad news.  This news, of course, I can’t share.  But I was on a mission yesterday to find an old photograph of the Rockstar. 

I purged a lot of the memories about a year or two ago.  Which meant that this particular picture MIGHT HAVE made the trash bin.  But rest assured, maybe I had another copy in one of the Indiana boxes I never opened when I moved to NYC.

I dug through box after box sitting in my closet.  It was the one box that was the only closed up box sitting in my closet that took me by surprise.  This is the box I never opened once when I moved to NYC.  I had never seen the box before.  I had no idea I even had the box.

The box was labeled “BOOKS.”  I normally don’t keep books boxed up, so I opened it up…only to find a world I had left behind.

Before I go further, I think I need to throw in some foreshadowing…

I had my Tarot Cards read the night before.  The question surrounded the whole ‘marriage’ card and what the f*ck was going on.  The deck revealed to me that marriage was in my cards.  Certain things were now coming into play, but there was one card at the top of the deck that was influencing the entire situation.  His card was upside down (which meant that if I were to make a change at that point, the entire reading would change). 

So all happy, happy, joy, joy according to that deck…but, that one card at the top really bothered me.  Why was this card influencing everything? 

I had Katrina do a reading for me, not telling her exactly what I was looking for.  She came back with the same reading similar to the one she gave me on the road trip.

It said that I don’t believe in fate.  Because of that, I have ‘boxed’ it up and left it in dreamland…ergo, because I don’t believe in fate, a different path was laid out for me.

Now, what person that believes in fate would think that a bunch of cards telling them they don’t believe in fate was right?

She read that same reading on three separate occasions. 

Oh, little did I know…

In that box, I found a dream thrown away.  There were thousands and thousands of pages of music in that box…demo tapes…music compositions…newspaper articles about my success…a proclamation from the Indiana Senate with my name on it…my first published article…my world in Indiana…and one envelope (with nothing in it) that came from the Rockstar.  It was the first envelope he ever sent to me.

I had boxed up a dream.  The only reason why I had even opened it up again…was because of HIM.  The only reason why I had even boxed it up to begin with…was because of HIM.

I know there are a few people that are very religious to this blog, so you’ll know that last summer I called him out for not telling me the truth about the situation.  You can’t lie to me.  My friends will always tell you…you can’t lie to Michelle, because she’ll see the truth immediately after you’re done telling the lie.

That’s another thing, Katrina’s reading yesterday said that I suspected that he was not being truthful and hiding something from me.  Yep…it’s the Rockstar that keeps coming up in her readings.

The fear of losing my career comes up in that reading.  Yes, I would lose hockey, hockey writing, NYC, if I chose fate.  I’d lose wealth.  I’d lose everything about my career for fate.  That’s why I never make the decision to side with fate. 

This box held so much of my sorrow.  It showed a world I walked away from…a dream I boxed up and put away, all because someone completely shattered me inside.  FATE shattered me.

When I moved to NYC, I stopped writing music.  I wouldn’t pick up any of my guitars.  I ended up giving them all away.  When someone hands me a guitar now, I have literally blocked out how to play it. 

When bands sought me out in NYC and asked me to represent them, I told them I had nothing to do with music anymore. 

It took me a long time before I’d even listen to music again. 

I shut that world out.  That passion and love for music died.

Apparently, I boxed it all up and forgot about it.

I didn’t know that box was in the closet…that box that held a dream…a dream that said I was going to be someone great someday…standing on a stage, singing my songs, and gifting the world with my voice and using it to change the world.  That was the dream.

But…

How funny that the first envelope with his address on it made it into that box.  He sent it after that first conversation with me when he tried to convince me he was famous, when I told him I didn’t believe him.  He sent every press clipping he could find and sent it to me.  He sent me every single CD and music video.  He was the one that opened the door to the music world for me.

He showed me the business side of music.  He opened that door for me in that one envelope…and many years later it is in that box of a dream that was forgotten.

He opened the door, and I eventually ended up walking away from it all.

It’s been six years since his friend said to me, “You were the one, but you walked away.” 

There has always been that part of me that asks if I regret leaving.  But then I think…if I hadn’t, would my life have been so great?  Would it have been so magical?  Would I have had this amazing journey?

Do you choose fate in the end, even though you know how it shattered you completely inside?  That has been the question of my life.

I hate that our lives still mirror each other.  I hate when the universe forces me to talk to him.  I hate when the universe forces me to acknowledge that he still exists.  But it does.

Last summer was his last opportunity to tell me the truth before I moved on.  He chose to lie to me, so I closed the door completely on that hope that he really was fate.  I decided that maybe his lie is not really a lie.  Maybe I was just fooling myself…he’s not fate.  He was just a dream.

The cards keep saying it really was fate.

A lot of my readers know that the Rockstar broke my heart…shattered it, actually.  He’s the reason why I left and moved to NYC.  I needed to escape him and be somewhere where he couldn’t find me.  I needed to get lost in a sea of 8 million people and try to put the pieces back together.

When you see God winking back at you (and you know he sees it too), it’s hard to believe in fate when it leaves you completely shattered.  You see it as he is the one rejecting it, because he told you he wanted to love someone else.  You think that maybe you’re a fool.  Maybe you’re the one living in dreamland.  Maybe it was never real.  You think you’re the one that’s crazy…maybe you’re the one that was seeing things that wasn’t really there.   Maybe this wasn’t fate.

But it’s hard not to see after all of these years that the paths still mirror each other.  Don’t all of those stories about fate show that the two souls’ paths are mirrored?  So how is it not fate?

I would have never opened that damn box up if he wasn’t searching for a photograph that he had once given to me.  Now, I’m just in a state of confusion. 

To put the icing on the cake, I even received a letter from my mother (who is also in Indiana) asking when I’m going to stop being mad at her.  She went on and on in the letter about my childhood and how she regretted not loving me more when I was a kid.  “You were so brave,” she kept repeating over and over in the letter.

I just kept thinking…you stupid woman.  My childhood has nothing to do with the predicament you find yourself in right now.  Her crimes against me happened when I was an adult, not when I was a child. 

Of course, when I relayed on to my friend this morning that I received a letter from Indiana…the lesser of the two evils was from the Rockstar.  Then when I said, “Nope.  Not from him.”  The look on her face just filled with horror, “Don’t tell me it was from your mother.”

Oh, universe…you were so messing with me yesterday…

I got hit with a double Hoosier whammy all in one day.

She asked me to come to her 60th birthday party.  She asked for forgiveness (which victims don’t usually ask for, right?  I guess that means she stopped acting like the victim and realized I WAS the victim here) and asked for things to go back to the way they used to be and forget the bad.

Oh dear…if she wants her 60th to be the birthday she wished she shot herself in…that is the birthday I would attend. 

I told my friend today, for someone that truly wanted my forgiveness…especially in her case…she would have to go up to every single person she made hate me (because of the lies she told about me) and tell them that she lied.  None of the things she said were true.  She would have to tell every single family member that called me and told me I was written off because I was so evil (based on what my mother told them)…that she had lied to them. 

Do you know how many phone calls I’ve received in the past 5 years telling me I was written off because I was so evil?  I usually sat there just dumbfounded at the things they were telling me that I had apparently done.  Either I have no memory of doing it…OR it never happened.  I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise.  They were so determined I had done it because my mother said I had done it. 

If she wanted forgiveness…she would go to every single one of my friends she spoke to, every family member, and every single one of her friends and tell them that she lied about me.  It’s her mess and her sin against me.  She has to clean it up and take responsibility for her transgressions against me.  Only then can I forgive that monster.

The worst thing a mother (that you called a best friend) can do to you is get the entire world to hate you.  It’s one thing if I did the things she claimed I did…it’s quite another if I never did them.

My friends who heard her tale, they never bring my mother up to me.  They always look at me with sorrow and say that what she did was a horrible thing.  It’s very different when it was your mother…even worse when she was your best friend.  They saw through her lies.  They knew it wasn’t true.

There were so many people (mainly my family) that didn’t ask for my side of the story.  They placed judgment on me based on the things she said.  I was never able to defend myself.  I just let one person after another call me, yell at me, tell me that I was no longer their blood, and leave my life forever.  She did those things to me. 

Forgiveness does not come so easily in this instance. 

I love my mom, but I’m also the type of person that only allows someone so evil to do such evil things against me once.  I never allow them back into my world again.  They can’t be trusted.  I’ll always look at them with mistrust wondering when they’ll wrong me again.  You don’t know if their “I’m sorry” was truthful, or whether they are collecting data to turn against you again. 

Those are the monsters you don’t let back in. 

She’ll never go to every single person and tell them she lied about me.  She’ll never tell people that she was wrong.  She’ll never tell people that the reason why her daughter wants nothing to do with her is because she lied and turned so many people against her own daughter.

My mom has no idea what my world is like now.  She has no concept of the life I have.  My brother won’t tell her. 

Instead, we watch her in her own state of purgatory…her own hell that she has created for herself.  We watch as she slowly twists and turns, grows crazier every single day, because she unleashed a horrible evil into the universe.  This is her karma.  We choose to not get involved with it.  She generated some horrific and nasty karma that will go on through until the next lifetime (or several lifetimes). 

It all started with those hateful words that day back in January 2006.  She kept the hate going and going and going…

This is her hell.  My brother and I choose to stay away from that hell she’s created for herself.  It’s sad, really.  The whole thing is just sad.  You never want to watch a person living in hell every single day for the rest of their life…but this evil karma she put out into the world…I have no control over her present or future. Forgiveness does not undo all of the evil she has done.

After all, I know that God sent a message to her in a dream saying “You’re not the victim, Michelle is.”  My brother told me about the dream she had.  He said that the dream/nightmare made her realize what she had done.

The interesting thing…God visited her shortly after I said to him that I forgave her because she knew not what she had done.  But because this problem was bigger than me…I was handing it over to God to take care of it.  He went to her and revealed in a dream just who was wrong in this matter.  If it had been me and I really was that evil person she said I was, I would have had that nightmare. 

Now, she keeps asking for forgiveness.  I’ve already forgiven her.  But since it is now clear who the victim was…the victim’s choice is to have nothing to do with that other person.  Jesus didn’t go back to being pals with Judas or those people that spat on him, mocked him and condemned him.  He didn’t become best friends with that jerk that stabbed him.  He definitely didn’t become best buddies with Pilate, now, did he?  He forgave them, and gave the rest of it up to God.

She has a lot of people to ask forgiveness from.  The greatest wrong was committed against me…BUT she wronged my entire family, my friends and her friends by telling a lie that brought their hearts to strongly hate someone that did none of those things she claimed had happened.  To make someone hate…that is a very big evil that has been unleashed into the world.

She needs to ask them for forgiveness too, not just me.  Then she’s going to have to learn to forgive herself…that forgiveness card may never come.

It’s funny that Katrina’s reading mentioned my family being in the dark about my life…little did I know that it would entail a letter from my mother.

Universe…really messing with me yesterday.

Now, when issues of the past come up like this, it happens for a reason.  Maybe it’s God’s way of saying…you’ve got to deal with these two major issues NOW before going any further along the journey.

The ironic thing is that I had a dream I was getting married and my MOM (please note my fingers typed that MOM annoyingly) was trying to help me get ready.  I kept looking at her thinking…you are the most evil person on the face of the planet and if I had it my way…you wouldn’t even be here right now! 

Now, my friends from high school know that mom helping with any kind of important event (like prom) is like looking at photos for the rest of your life thinking…WTF happened to my hair?!?!  She f*cked it up royally!  That’s why Moms don’t help out on special days.

The odd part in the dream said…your mom was made evil so that you would rise up and be good.  If it were the other way, you would be the one who was evil.  Be thankful that she chose to be evil so you could be good and change the world.

How’s that for God’s lesson… 

God always has his reasons for everything.  Showing fate one more time.  Having Mom drop in the picture again.  I don’t like that it’s happened…but the timing is accurate. 

The cards I did last night about fate showed something that will not change.  I tell fate, “NO” in the end.  The cards were very clear about that. 

[See, my friend was right…when the universe happens to me…this sh*t is deep.]

I know that I talk a lot about fate and embracing it.  I tell people all of the time to believe in it. 

Maybe because their fate stories will come out differently than mine. 

I boxed up my dream and my fate and forgot about them…or I at least tried to forget about them. 

Do you think God had me open up that box for no reason? 

When someone passes away, I believe they grant a wish to those closest to them in order to help them along on their journey.  My grandfather bestowed his dying wish upon me (and I still feel it to this day).

I’m wondering if FATE had a wish bestowed upon him.  If so, that’s the reason why the box was opened.

I know the truth about the situation.  Sometimes you want to believe in fate, but you’re too scared to believe in it.  What if you’re wrong?  What if that other person doesn’t feel the same way that you do?

What do you do when that person that the universe has been winking at tells you that they choose to love someone else?  How can you believe in fate after that?

The reason why the Rockstar situation is such an intense and touchy subject to me is because of FATE.  I really believed he was the one until he told me he wanted to love someone else [which, no surprise, things didn’t work out between those two].  I knew it would happen.  I foresaw it in a dream six months before we met.

The universe was winking at us.  It was so magical.  No one can explain it.  People thought it was so odd that they actually teased us about it…because they saw it too.  There was something special and magical about the two of us.

But those words…I CHOOSE…

How can a person believe in fate after that? 

I was pretty mad at God after that.  I was sooo mad.  That’s why my fate line is the way it is today.  That whole ‘magical’ and ‘amazing’ stuff stems from a moment of anger with God and a “You seriously owe me big time!” threat.  It’s better to not believe in fate when not believing in God is also on the line.

I literally felt like trickery had happened.  I felt like the universe had f*cked with me and made me believe in this horsesh*t…when all he was going to do was break my heart.  I was the biggest fool on the face of the planet to have believed in fate…to have believed that THIS GUY was fate.

This was a shake my fists to the sky kind of anger saying…WHY HAVE YOU MOCKED ME?!?!

Watch…the Rockstar’s going to read this…that is fate.

I don’t believe in fate…that’s what the cards say.  I fear the cards are correct.

So dear readers, I know I’ve talked about fate in this blog so many times.  I always tell people to believe in it…to chase after your dream…to get on your path in life…

When it comes to your career, I back that up 100%.  When it comes to love…you will never hear me say that again.  I just don’t believe in fate like I’m apparently supposed to, because fate left me shattered all over a beer stained floor of a bar in Seymour, Indiana.

I contend there’s something better than fate.  Fate, be damned, is cruel. I think Greek and Roman mythology teaches that.  The fates are cruel.  It will create the greatest tragedy known to mankind so that it will serve as a lesson to the rest of the world for centuries to come.  It’s the stuff they write about…the stuff that becomes legend.

I’m not the only one that writes this tale.  There are songs out there from other bands that talk about how I left…because he never told me the truth.

(Lord Byron)

As National Women’s History Month draws to a close, I thought I’d touch on some important things today.

I’d like to talk about a Twitter friend I befriended about a year ago.  She was a strong advocate for stopping the sex trafficking trade.  I had no idea why she was spreading the word at the time, but I followed her and talked to her on Twitter about these things all of the time. 

Believe it or not, the sex trafficking trade is a pretty hot trade in the United States…even though it is highly illegal.

Women are trafficked to the states from other countries with the guise that they are escaping their countries, getting legal documents to travel to America, and placed into a job (little do they know that the job is in the sex industry).  Other women are kidnapped and sold into the sex slave trade (or in some instances…the slave trade).

Slavery was abolished in America back on January 31, 1865.  The 13th Amendment was adopted by Congress on that day: “Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude…shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.”

At the time, they were talking about blacks living as slaves in America.  Today, we have a new kind of slavery.  It may only exist in the black markets (ironic it’s called that?), but it exists.  Actually, it exists in all 50 states in America.  It’s called sex trafficking…and guess what?  Children are being sex trafficked in America.

What number are we looking at?  Try over 300,000+ children are in the sex slave trade in the United States of America. 

Jamie Walton (@JamieWalton) and I started talking a year ago about sex trafficking and the other atrocities happening in America (and worldwide).  I donated to various charities that helped kids that were victims of the sex trafficking schemes thanks to Jamie.

We would always share news related stories on sex trafficking, or comment on various things we had read.

Little did I know that there was a reason why Jamie was so passionate about this subject.  She was once one of those kids.  She was one of the statistics of children in the US sex trafficking network.

Sexually molested by her step-father at the age of 8, then later by other sexual predators and pedophiles, Jamie lived the nightmare childhood.  She was the target for many pedophiles and was taken advantage of repeatedly by various different men.

By the time she was 13 years old, she had entered into the sex trafficking network thanks to an AOL chatroom where she met a 46-year old man online who introduced her into prostitution.  And we’re not talking about the “it’s just sex” prostitution…we’re talking about the darker (and more dangerous) side of sex.

Where were her parents in all of this?  Her father was absent.  Mom remarried a loser addicted to drugs.  Her mom was an alcoholic and abused prescription pills.

Her mom could have stopped the abuse…by believing her daughter when she said that her step-father had molested her the first time. 

Her mom could have stopped her daughter from entering the sex trafficking world…if she hadn’t let that 46 year old man stay over and sleep in her daughter’s bedroom (when she was 13). 

But the fact is…her mother didn’t stop it.

Jamie tells her story to New Jersey Devils fan, filmmaker, writer, actor, director (and many other titles) Kevin Smith (aka Silent Bob to those who love his work). Click Here to Listen to the Interview

What is important about Kevin Smith’s interview…they make an announcement about The Wayne Foundation.  This foundation is now headed up by Jamie, with Kevin Smith as VP, to raise funds to start a safe house for kids that are in Jamie’s similar situation.  For kids needing to break free from the sex trafficking trade, sexually abused kids, etc. this place will be for them. 

They can’t help all 300,000+ kids, but they’re hoping it will start a movement where they can help a few kids at a time…and maybe someone else in other states will follow suit and set up safe houses for these kids.

It’s not only going to take a lot of money in donations (forever), along with clothing, furniture, cars, and other donations, but it’s going to take a lot to create this place for kids to run to.  Pimps will want their product back.  They’ll kill to get their product back.  They’ll need security.  They’ll need their local, state, and federal government to help these kids.

The goal is not to just offer a safe place for these kids, but it’s also designed to help them heal and move forward in life.  Out of all of the stuff that has happened to Jamie in her childhood, she has learned to heal from it and do something great…she’s heading this charity up.  Through hell, she ended up finding her own heaven.  She found a better day.

Some of the tweets I’ve seen that have gone to Jamie since Kevin Smith posted up the interview had me realize just how powerful of a woman Jamie is.  One person said that he was surprised she hadn’t killed herself after everything that had happened to her.

It makes you think that all of those stories that people tell about how they had a horrible childhood…don’t compare to Jamie’s story.  And you know what?  She became a functioning adult, with a job, a good husband, and a beautiful smile on her face.  She overcame those horrible things in her childhood and hopped on that magical ride of the universe and found her path.

This is how you heal from being a victim.  You move forward by helping other people.

The reason why I befriended Jamie a year ago was because she was talking about the sex trafficking trade.  Not too many tweeters talk about it. 

I’ve worked with VDay and numerous women’s groups that work to overcome violence against women…they advocate change, and help their sisters move forward and heal.  It’s a global effort.

When I came to NYC, I was expected to take my career up a higher notch and work in the non-profit realm.  But at the time I was asked to do it, I declined.  Why?  Because for once in my life, I had to focus on healing myself.  I came to NYC broken.  I needed to find the strength to fix myself first. 

How can I help the world, if I cannot help myself? 

Men always ask why I get involved with these women’s groups.  Am I also a victim trying to heal?

Yes.  I was a victim of sexual assault. 

No.  I don’t talk about it.  Why?  Because I can’t remember most of it.

“Losing 100 Pounds of Unhappiness” starts from that point…that attack…the repeated attacks.

That’s why that switch was turned on in my brain…the safety switch.  It turned on in an effort to make me as fat and ugly as fast as possible.  I gained 30 pounds in the first two months.  I dressed like a boy.  I wore hats and baggy clothes to mask what I looked like.  I wanted to be invisible.  Because…just maybe…if I looked like a boy or if I was ugly…or if I was invisible…it wouldn’t happen to me again.

That’s the safety switch.

I hung around cops all of the time (for 5 years).  I worked with them, did my internship with them, and volunteered with them.  I took self-defense courses…anything to make me feel safe.

Seventeen years later, and I’ve only just discovered why my body is the way it is today.  The book process is about starting from today and working my way backward.  Why?  Because I have to remember the strengths I’ve gained in these past seventeen years in order to find the tools to confront that entire first semester of my freshman year in college.

Sometimes you need every weapon in your arsenal to confront your biggest fear…remembering what happened to you.  You really need every weapon you’ve accumulated to slay that monster hiding in the recesses of your mind. 

The odd thing is that the attacks weren’t the only period of time I forgot.  It blanked out a lot of my childhood and years growing up. 

A friend of mine had brought up something that happened when we were in high school.  I looked at her blankly like I had no idea what she was talking about.  I asked, “That happened?”

She just looked at me in shock and said, “I can’t believe you have no memory of that.”  She then went on about how there were so many things from our childhood and teen years that I don’t remember.  She said it was like a huge chunk of my memory was completely gone.

That’s what happens when someone suffers a traumatic event.  That also happened to Jamie.  She couldn’t remember if she was sexually molested by her step-father or not.  Her psychiatrist had to show her the police reports in order for her to believe that something had indeed happened to her.

In the Smodcast, Jamie mentioned that 1 in 3 women are a victim of sexual assault sometime in their lifetime.  Sexual assault does not always mean rape.

The National Center for Victims of Crime defines sexual assault:

Sexual assault takes many forms including attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person’s body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person’s consent. Some types of sexual acts which fall under the category of sexual assault include forced sexual intercourse (rape), sodomy (oral or anal sexual acts), child molestation, incest, fondling and attempted rape. Sexual assault in any form is often a devastating crime. Assailants can be strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family members. Assailants commit sexual assault by way of violence, threats, coercion, manipulation, pressure or tricks. Whatever the circumstances, no one asks or deserves to be sexually assaulted.

I highly recommend taking an hour and a half out of your schedule to listen to the Smodcast.  There are two parts to it.  Only the first part is up, which talks about the rock bottom in Jamie’s life.  The second part is all about how she rose above it all to become the beautiful woman she is today.

The Wayne Foundation (named after Wayne Gretzky and Batman’s Bruce Wayne) needs help.  They need donations.  You can donate by going to The Wayne Foundation’s Page.  Currently, it is under Kevin Smith’s website (View Askew) until they can get a site of their own.

Twitter is a powerful voice.  It can take a young woman who has been through so much in life to find a new friend who will help her along on her journey.  Jamie met Kevin through Twitter.  Who would have thought that Twitter could take a random person, give her the ear of a celebrity, and then watch them embark on a new adventure together…to save kids from sex trafficking? 

For the Devils and their fans, spread the word…

Kevin Smith has been the Devils fan celebrity that we have grown to cherish.  He is New Jersey wherever he may roam.  If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t have all of those New Jersey films out there. 

We should help out The Wayne Foundation.  What they’re doing could start a trend across the world.  These kids need saving.  All 50 states have kids in the sex trafficking trade.  If the government can’t stop it, even though slavery has been abolished, then we, as a community, need to stop it and give these kids tools to escape it, heal from it, and move on.

Thanks to Jamie for sharing her history…and becoming a hero.  She is an inspiration.  Thanks also to Kevin Smith for giving Jamie a platform in which to use her voice to broadcast out into the universe that change must happen…because child fucking is so wrong.  It’s time to put an end to pedophilia and the market where children are freely being sold into prostitution in all 50 states of the United States of America.

Remember that song, “Killing Me Softly?”

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

That is the power of a voice.  That is the power to grasp someone’s mind, body and soul with words, and move the listener (or reader) to passion.  It makes them believe in the words flowing out into the universe.

Those words can also be something very dangerous. 

I was listening to Rush Limbaugh in a taxi cab last Friday.  He spoke about such controversial things that even he gave my heart a rise with such passion to believe in the things he was saying. 

But then I repeated the words he was saying to myself and thought…well, that’s just plain stupid.  That’s just drama for the sake of drama.  Conspiracy for the sake of conspiracy.  A rise of emotion just for the sake of idiocy.

Everything he was saying was meant to spark a strong emotion from his listeners.  But when you hear the actual words he is saying, the accusations he is making, you realize…well, that’s just plain stupid.

Rush is like a snake tempting Eve to take and eat from the Tree of Life.  His voice is convincing, yet dangerous.

I realized just how powerful this man’s voice is…his voice twists you emotionally in order to convince you with fervor and passion that he is right. 

To me, his true words mean nothing.  They don’t mean anything.  Why?  Because when you see how he is trying to stir drama in the world, you realize that none of it is important.  None of it changes the world we live in. 

Rush has a powerful voice, but it is not used for good.  It is not used to better humanity.  That is dangerous.

There is power in that man’s voice.  But it is not power that we should embrace.

Over the weekend, many decided to use their words behind a computer screen to attack Theo Fleury, who was sexually abused by his former coach Graham James.

@TheoFleury14 had to deal with years ago. They’ve sided with the sex offenders.

That’s really sad that a whole bunch of idiots went after the victim and said every nasty thing they could think of to him.  What human being does that?  What gives people the right to bully victims? 

If you were to ask me, the days of the bully are done.  People are getting tired of kids taking after their parents and becoming mean and evil.  People are getting tired of trolls and other evil people that think they have a right to free speech of hate. 

You don’t have a right.

There is no place in society for bullying anymore.

If you’re going to use your voice, use it for good.  Use your voice to take a stand for humanity.  Use your voice to take a stand against hate.  Use your voice to inspire people to greatness.

Use your words and your voice to create a better society, a better humanity.  If you can’t use your voice and your words to make the world a better place…then Shut up!  The world is tired of hearing your hate.  If that’s all you’ve got inside of you, then keep it to yourself.  Start figuring out how you can have some good in your life again.  It is your choice to live in hate.  If you don’t want to live in hate, then change.  You have a choice.  It’s as easy as changing your mindset and the way you see the world.

Use your voice for greatness, not for peril. 

Everyone is a victim.  But we are not healing when we become the bully.  We are not free of what hurts us when we hurt others.  We only cause more pain. 

We also have a choice in deciding to not let people have power over us anymore.  Words, especially ones filled with hate, they are like wounds created by a knife plunging deeper and deeper each time it is repeated.  It remains even when the person goes away.  It hurts our heart.  It hurts our soul.  But we have a choice to give that person power over us and make us into a victim or rise up and say “I will not be your victim.  You have no power over me.”

It takes courage to defeat the bully and the bully within. 

In order to stop being the victim, we have to be the change we seek in the world.  Bullies are victims too.  Someone hurt them, too. 

It’s never okay to hurt others.  It’s also not okay to continue the hurt by hurting others, just because you were hurt.  That is, it’s not okay to hold onto the pain.  We are not only causing ourselves more damage, but we are unknowingly unleashing that pain unto others.

It’s always the victim’s fault, right?  They must have been asking for it, right? 

Since when was it okay to take advantage of a young boy? 

When was it okay to rape a woman, because she was pretty?  Or simply put, “She was asking for it.” 

Lara Logan, a CBS correspondent, was beaten and sexually assaulted by a mob in Egypt while she was covering the Cairo’s Tahrir Square when the Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak finally stepped down.

The men there said that she deserved it because she was pretty.  [Logan was not raped, according to sources familiar with the incident.  She was stripped naked, beaten repeatedly, etc.]

How is that okay?

Sexual assault is about power.  Bullying is about power. 

Both, as we know it, is not okay.  It is not okay to assert your power onto someone else in an effort to make them into a victim.

If you’re going to say something, make sure it’s something you can say out loud that you’re proud of.  Say only those things that you will have no regrets later for saying what was in your heart.  If you want to practice hate, well, what does karma say?  Bad things are sure to come your way.

You get the universe you deserve.  You practice hate, you will only receive hate in return…and hate from the places you definitely do not want it from.

******

There’s also the voice of belief.

When you are fighting to reach an end result, don’t stop when you’re almost there and give up.  Don’t tell the world, “We’re done.”  You fight until the end.

When you verbally say you’re done, I hope you informed the other guys in the room that you’re done.  In the world of chance, superstitions, and the belief in the universe’s way of doing things…you believe in a Devil of a chance until the very end.

If you don’t, then you haven’t truly embraced the ways of your team. 

It takes only one man to make the empire crumble.  It takes only one person to not believe in the dream to make it not come true.

It’s the power of the voice that believes in hope.  It’s the power of the voice that makes those around them believe that anything is possible.  It is the power of the voice that makes even the wary believe that dreams can come true.

It is also the power of the voice that can make people disbelieve.  It can make you believe that dreams do not come true.  It can make you a loser when you’ve admitted defeat before the end has even arrived.  It can crush the hearts of many.

Which voice do you choose to speak with?

******

Use your voice for good.  Speak only good things.  Write only good things.  Use your voice to take a stand for humanity.  Use your voice to bring those around you to greatness.  Use your voice to inspire.  Use your voice to tell the stories that will make a new day seem so much brighter.

Choose your words wisely.  Someone is always watching.  Someone is always listening.  Someone is always judging.

Let them judge you for the good you do.  You never want people to see the bad…so don’t do bad things.  Do not say bad things.  When you do, prepare for the worst consequences. 

Use your voice wisely.  Use it loudly.  Use it the way God meant you to use it.

Official release from Easton Hockey:

Easton is offering baseball, hockey and lacrosse lovers the chance of a
lifetime with the Dream Crazy Tour and web series. Easton will be selecting three people to be ambassadors for the sport that they each love.  The selected group will travel the U.S. and Canada, attend sporting events and discover, celebrate and share the beauty of sport while filming for a web series.

Dream Crazy applicants can enter by submitting a short video audition at www.easton.com/dreamcrazy until Monday, April 11, 2011.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sk0ebiIxMRE]

As I’ve been contemplating a lot of things these past few weeks, nothing makes you stop in your tracks like finding out that an icon has passed away.

Elizabeth Taylor.  Her violet eyes, her sex kitten ways, her marriages, her divorces, her diamonds, and her legendary walk through the hearts of many…she is the embodiment of a woman who lived a long and incredible life.

Dame Elizabeth, at 79 years old, was even on Twitter.  Here are some of the classic lessons she tweeted to her followers:

You are who you are. All you can do in this world is help others to be who they are and better themselves and those around them.

Give. Remember always to give. That is the thing that will make you grow.

That is the thing that will give back to you all the rewards that there are. Don’t do it for yourself, because then it becomes selfish.

Because then it becomes about yourself…which is wrong. Giving is to give to God. Helping is to help others.

Every breath you take today should be with someone else in mind. I love you.

No one is going to play Elizabeth Taylor, but Elizabeth Taylor herself.

Not at least until I’m dead, and at the moment I’m having too much fun being alive…and I plan on staying that way. Happiness to all.

One of the most amazing films I ever saw was “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.”  She was just unbelievable in that film.  I turned the movie off after the film was over and just thought…”WOW!” Her performance literally took my breath away.

I wanted to get violet contacts because of her…but as we all know…no one has violet eyes except Elizabeth Taylor.  And who does Elizabeth Taylor best?  Only Elizabeth Taylor can.

She married one of my favorite actors…Richard Burton…not once, but twice.  She was a woman that loved passionately, was loved by many, gave her heart to many, and lived as happily as she could all the days of her life.

For many women, she was the ideal woman.  She was the icon we looked up to.  Her beauty, no matter what her age, lived on.  Her work and her life, her intelligence to create beauty (White Diamonds fragrances) for every woman in the world…she was the embodiment of a successful woman.

She lived a great life…and it’s that great life we think upon as we say goodbye to a legend.  Gone, but never forgotten.

For me, Elizabeth Taylor was an inspiration.  Her passions in life made her a success.  The great lessons in life she tweeted at the end of her life are all lessons that you’ll find here in this blog.  At the age of 78 and 79, she was passing on that wisdom of how to have an amazing life.

Those are things I try to pass along to everyone I meet. 

I have a friend who told me once that just being in my presence made him want to be a better person.  He went from having a bad cocaine habit to being drug free, finding his new love in NA, and losing a lot of weight.  He thanked me for the reason he changed.  I told him, “But I did nothing.  You did it all.” 

He said, “You don’t understand…you inspired me to become a better man.” 

We are the masters of our own fates.  We have a choice to get involved in the dramas of the world, or to create a life filled with happiness.  There are many people that believe that ‘shit happens.’  They don’t realize that even though life is filled with surprises, we are our own masters of our destiny.  We are the ones in control of everything that happens in our lives.  That includes, how we react to those little surprises.  We can look at things in a good, positive light, or look at it through the eyes of negativity.  How we look at life and how we approach it is exactly the kind of life we deserve.

God never gives us burdens that are too heavy to carry.  He gives us just enough to help us grow.  There are lessons in every burden we carry.  They’re all designed to make us into better human beings.  The heavier the load, the greater the lesson, the greater we become.

I’ve noticed over recent years (since I started attending the Meditation Center), just how out of balance people really are.  When people describe me, they usually use the word ‘calm.’  I had never thought of myself as calm, but standing in front of Penn Station this morning, looking out across the street at the other pedestrians, I realized that I was the only calm person standing there. 

One man was so frazzled.  He was shaking his head, cursing at himself at how horrible things were in his life.  A woman across the way was running through the lists of things she needed to do today before work, during lunch, after work, and the shopping list was running through her head. 

And I was the only one at peace and in a complete state of calm listening to the minds of New Yorkers.  I preferred to be in that calm and peaceful state over what was happening in everyone else’s minds…worries, fears, pain, drama, stress…

It takes a lot of practice to find that place of peace and calm inside your soul.  Once you find it, you hold onto it because you remember what it was like to be stressed out, worried all of the time, and frazzled.

That was me before I found the Meditation Center.  People that are in that state of stress and worry have a hard time letting it go.  They want peace, but don’t know how to find it.

If you want peace, you have to let go of the stress and worry.  I mean letting go of it all in its entirety.  In a class I took on letting go of worries, the teacher asked the simple question: how does worrying about the situation help you? 

Worrying helps nothing.  It only aggravates the situation.  If you truly feel worry, just say a silent prayer, hand it over to God, think good thoughts and say within your soul that everything is going to be alright.  Worrying does not help you.  What helps you is thinking that all is well and is going to be well.  That’s like putting good wishes out into the world that all really will be well.

Once you know what it’s like to let go of it all, you realize that you can control the situation peacefully without getting stressed out over everything.

Over the years, cancer has taught me to listen to my body.  It has taught me the importance of not carrying too much burden.  It has taught me to rest the second my body demands it.  If I don’t, things could get worse. 

It has also taught me that worries and stress will only make the situation worse.  Thinking positively will only see me through the next second, the next hour, the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year, the next decade…  And no matter what happens, I am content that all will be alright.

Some people are always on the go…thinking a mile a minute of all of the things they need to do in a short amount of time.  I used to be that way.  I sometimes get caught up in that stuff…but then I realize that I can take control of the situation and take the time to simplify what needs to be done and what can wait.  It’s called prioritizing.

The number one thing that always takes priority in my life is how my body is doing and reacting to the world around me.  If I feel an overwhelming sense of fatigue, then I have to rest.  Luckily, I’ve been fortunate enough that people around me sense it when it happens and offers me a seat.  That, to me, is an angel talking to someone nearby telling them…offer her a seat. 

When that extreme fatigue hits, all of the other stuff that I have to do…can wait.  None of it matters at that very moment.  I can’t do any of those things when the body has hit a stop sign.  I would be doing myself serious harm if I continued as if there was no fatigue.

What’s more important…the to do list or me?  That’s something you have to ask yourself.

Thanks to the internet and the local businesses in my neighborhood, they have helped me to simplify my life dramatically.  A lot of things that I need to do can all be done online.  Local businesses have been great about coming to my aid and helping simplify the things I need to do. Groceries can be ordered online and they’ll deliver it directly to my door (yes, they ask if it should be taken upstairs because they know sometimes I can’t physically carry the heavy stuff).  Clothing can be ordered online and delivered directly to my door (thank you UPS, FedEx and my local USPS guy/gal). 

I can comparison shop online and still find the best deals.  I can read up on financial news, manage my stocks and banking accounts online.  I can even find new recipes online for the ingredients I have in-house. 

Since I was hit with the news the second time that the cancer returned, I have done everything to simplify my life and take out every single piece of stress in my life.  I’ve simplified my life in so many ways. 

Even though we have simpler ways of doing things with fast food and express checkouts, we still have too much to do and so little time to do it in.  Why is that?

Why are moms going haywire to be supermoms?  They take their kids ADD medicine just so they can do all of the regular mom stuff, bake 100 cupcakes, have their costumes made from scratch, meet with the PTA, head to all of the after school activities, cheer their kids on, and blah blah blah and blah blah blah and blah blah blah.

Seriously…my mom didn’t do all of that stuff.

We rented our costumes for the school play.  The glee club raised money to buy their uniforms.  I found rides to practices and rides home.  We did the stuff we had to do…but she didn’t have to bake 100 cupcakes.  If anyone did the baking for the church bake sale…that responsibility came to me. 

I informed my mother what she had to do, which was normally just telling her what I needed (as far as money or supplies went), what my schedule was, and where I was going to be.  That went the same for my brother. 

She wasn’t trying to be a supermom.  She was trying to raise a family and prayed that it would all work out well somehow. 

Why bake 100 cupcakes when you can just buy them?  Why make all of the costumes from scratch when you can rent them?  Why not carpool?  Better yet, give that 16 year old a beat up car (that they worked hard to get) so they can drive themselves to practices/rehearsals…along with their friends.  I say that friends part, because if it weren’t for friends picking me up to go to rehearsals and practices, my parents would have it rough…including me.

A family works around each other.  They help each other out.  Each one has demands…you work together to take on some of the responsibility to make it work.  A parent should not shoulder all of the responsibilities upon themselves.  Teach the kids responsibility.  Don’t let them think you have all of the time in the world to be supermom/dad.  You’re not supermom/dad.  No one can be unless they have a village to help them out.

That’s the thing about worry and stress…you don’t have to do it all.  You don’t have to put yourself at the top and take on all of the burden and workload.  People take advantage of those people. 

You can care about your family, but caring doesn’t mean worrying.  When you worry, bad things happen.  When you are at peace, only good things happen. 

It’s a hard concept for the majority of the world to believe in, but I’ve put it into practice and it’s worked for me.  Apparently, it worked for Elizabeth Taylor too.

Sure, I have lists of things I need to do, things I need to buy…shopping lists, budgets, bills to pay, errands to run, etc.  I never look at it as everything has to happen in this very second.  I look at it as things I need to do over the course of a month.  Bills…on the calendar according to the date and how much is owed.  I could automatically do it, but I feel better pressing the “SUBMIT” button online to pay the bills (takes a total of 5 minutes a month to pay all of my bills).   

Chores around the house…divided up according to the day.  I cook all of my meals for the week on the weekend, put them in glass containers (I don’t like plastic), and it keeps me from dining out during the week.

I usually work late and when I get home, I don’t want to cook because it will be 9PM by the time I sit down and eat.  Instead, I make at least 4 different kinds of meals (they have to be tasty or forget the whole ideal), which can be changed into different kinds of meals in case I feel like eating something different during the week.

That means I’ve saved over 2.5 hours by making a pot of oatmeal on Sunday for the week (because Irish Steel Cut Oats takes about 1/2 an hour to make).  I’ve saved an additional 2.5-4 hours in the evening by warming up a meal that was cooked up over the weekend (soup, curry, tikka masala, pasta, casserole, chicken and rice…).  There are ways you can reinvent every meal to be something different the next time you eat it.  If you don’t, trust me…you’ll get bored!

The plus side of doing this is that it has saved me over $100 a week (for just breakfast/lunch alone) and another $100 (for dinner), by cooking all of my meals for the week on the weekend.  Yearly cost savings: $10,400.

That’s like a down payment on a home.

Taking my meals to work has been a good thing for me because I prefer to eat clean.  That means I can maximize the types of food I can eat at home and at work, instead of paying extra for a clean restaurant to make my meals for me.  [Clean eating is eating organic foods that have no chemicals and none of that bad stuff that is bad for your body…like sugar and processed foods.]

What I’ve also changed recently is going to the grocery store on a weekly basis, rather than once every three months.  My grocery bill (at the finer food stores) has gone from $80-90 to $40.  How?  Because I’ve been picking up some of my ingredients at Target.

My local Target has added on a grocery section in their store.  They not only have the run of the mill supermarket foods, but they also have a lot of organic products.  Since I know I can get a lot of the staple items like eggs and organic milk from Target at half the price of the finer food stores, it saves me a bundle.  All that’s left to buy at the finer food stores is the organic chicken and the organic fruits and vegetables. 

Since I’ve been saving a bundle at the finer food stores, that means I can pick up a little something more extravagant like the good goat’s cheese or olives from the olive bar (I highly recommend picking up some olives at the olive bar…make sure to choose the ones soaking in olive oil; add some olives to the container, but load up on the olive oil…the olive oil is much tastier for dipping bread than the expensive run of the mill olive oil.  Trust me, it’s heavenly.)

I love saving money…and I also love to cook.  So these two passions makes my kitchen the most loved place in my entire home. 

Kind of strange, right?  I mean…I have the Lap-Band and it’s supposed to make me not eat, right?  Well…that’s very true, but I use it more as a ‘portion control’ method.  If I let the Lap-Band do what it wanted, I’d be in the hospital.  If I make it bend to what it really should be doing (monitoring portion sizes), then I win.

What I’ve learned over these past few years is that my body is very sensitive to toxins.  I was forced to re-learn how to eat and what kinds of foods I can eat.  Luckily for me, if it’s bad for me (processed crap), it’s not going to go down.  Bread…carbs…not my friend.  If you think about how the bad stuff is no longer your friend because you’ll be in severe pain if you eat it…technically, it’s a damn good diet because it keeps your brain from craving all of the bad stuff.

Trust me, walking by Zaro’s in Penn Station in the morning always makes me crave bread.  Then I immediately think of how that feels in my body…instant trigger to think…NO WAY would I eat a bagel.  The pain (sometimes followed by vomiting) is not worth it. [Bread…can’t be processed.  Has to be fresh, dipped in a lot of oil so that it won’t be problematic.]

That’s what I’m talking about when I say ‘re-learning’ how to eat. 

The first year after getting the Lap-Band, I had to test the body out and see what I could eat.  I came up with new recipes (all healthy) and ways to sneak in fruits and vegetables (took 2 years for the body to allow fruits/vegetables in).  Now, I can eat carrots with no problems, watermelon is put in the blender (becomes basically watermelon water), asparagus is my new best friend, and I crave green beans like a mad woman.  [I’m still working on the whole mango thing…the body likes it shredded, not sliced.] 

I had to figure out ways to create new recipes for this lifetime diet.  My mother always said that it’s one thing if you can cook, quite another if you can invent recipes.  That is the difference between a cook and a master chef.  A master can invent new things…and be damn good at it.  Just ask my dad.  He once said that I was a better cook than my Mom…pissed her off like you wouldn’t believe.

He’s been trying to duplicate my recipes ever since.  He still can’t get it right. 

But since my mom is a great cook too…she always likes to learn new recipes.  She could never get my brother to eat sweet potatoes.  Then she tried my recipe…he can’t stop eating them. 

I was invited to a former New York Islander’s home for Thanksgiving the second year I was in NYC.  I made my famous sweet potatoes (with a new twist).  I didn’t say that I made it.  I just sat there and listened to everyone exclaim that this was the best thing on the table.  That was when I ‘fessed up and said that I had made it.  Who would have thought that ginger, garlic and sweet potatoes would go so well together?   

When you’re doing something that you love, enjoying every second of it, that chore isn’t a chore anymore. I find that the time and money I’ve saved by making all of my meals (from scratch) on the weekends has been a win/win in so many ways.

I now have more money to put towards other things (like savings) and that new pair of white jeans from the Gap I keep seeing in every friggin fashion magazine these days.

All of the time I’ve saved can go towards doing something more relaxing when I get home, like read another 50 pages in Rick Riordan’s latest book, or re-organize my closet (because you know…spring is kind of here and the spring wardrobe needs to be brought out), or flip through the pages of the latest magazine that just came in…basically…I have more time to relax and have some time for myself.  How many people can say they’ve done that for themselves?  Not too many…because they are stressed out and worried all of the time about all of the things they need to do in the little time they have to do it in.

Do yourself a favor…quit making life so hard on yourself.  Make it easier on yourself.  Enlist help where you need it.  Spread your schedule out visually (I use a monthly calendar to visually see everything).  Take notes on things you need to do and don’t stress out when you can’t get it all done today.  Approach what needs to be done on a daily, weekly and monthly schedule.

Take advantage of the internet…order your groceries online and schedule a time to have them delivered to you (or a time when you can pick it up).  You could probably order all of the groceries during little Jimmy’s soccer practice, and then arrange to pick them up after little Sarah’s ballet practice the next day.  That saves on the time of going through the market, the kids going nutso because they want their favorite cereal, and it will save you money in the long run because you’re not buying things you don’t need while you’re at the store.

Just save the real grocery runs for the small stuff you need and can’t get online.

Most people in the big city drop their laundry off at the laundromat and pay by the pound to have their laundry done.  Saves you 2-3 hours at the laundromat and all that time you would spend folding everything (as my friend says…they do a much better job at folding everything so neatly than she can do herself).  It’s only a few dollars more for the service than what you would do spending 2-3 hours on the laundry yourself.

That is also one less chore you have to do.

There are so many people out there that feel like they have millions of things to do and not enough time to do it in.  Try delegating all of that responsibility out.  Not only does it help local businesses, but it also helps you and your family.  Have the kids help out.  Let them take some responsibility for the things that need to be done.  Let the village help you and your family.  Don’t take on all of the burden yourself.  You can help the village, and the village can help you.

Who knows, you may even have time for that bubble bath…

Over the weekend, I watched one of my favorite movies, “The Devil Wears Prada.” Each time I watch it, I learn a new lesson in life. The lesson this weekend comes in the wake of the disaster in Japan.

After watching the devastation sweep away entire towns, and the threat of a nuclear disaster, you can’t help but think of life…and how tragedy can be the biggest wake-up call around the world.

From the Australian floods that wiped out entire lands, to watching horses and cows stuck in the floods…just looking for ground to swim to, and there being none…you can’t help but feel the devastation inside your very own soul.

Watching the waves roll in and completely destroy everything in its path…to parents wishing they had died in the tsunami after learning that the school where their children attended…there were no survivors…you can’t help but think about life.

It doesn’t matter what religion you’re from, this is what we would call the apocalypse, Doomsday, the end of days, or the beginning of the end. The Mayans predicted the world as we know it would end during the winter solstice of 2012. From one part of the world to the other, there will be an upheaval. The world has to correct itself…heal itself…after mankind has damaged it and sickened it. The world has to attack the virus before the virus kills it.

According to scholars, this isn’t the first time this has happened. Remember the fabled city of Atlantis? Many scholars suspect that the ‘crystal’ energy being used during that time became so powerful that it weakened the earth. The earth had to distinguish the parasite that was draining it, by wiping them out with a tidal wave.

No one survived from that civilization. There were three unique cultures during that time. The Mayans, the Atlanteans and those now residing in the land of India. Each one spoke against the other culture saying that their ways were the only way, and the others were wrong. All of it was based on doctrine. One thought sex was part of it. Another thought crystal/mystic energy was a part of it. Another thought astrology was a part of it.

Interestingly enough, not one single culture survived. Only their ruins remained, left to be deciphered by the humans of today.

Humanity never learns from their mistakes. They create the same mistakes over and over again…until one day everything is wiped away and we are forced to start the human race all over again.

The dawn of a new age approaches. This age is ending.

The signs that the current age we are living in is quickly coming to an end…look at the way humanity has advanced so quickly. Look at technology. I remember in this lifetime when there was no such thing as the internet.

As we advance rapidly, we become careless.

Look at the financial recession we are in now. The financial advice being dished out prior to the massive foreclosures across America is the financial wisdom of the past. Now, they preach the ways of the Great Depression. Don’t buy on credit. Don’t take out massive mortgages. Don’t borrow money…save, save, save… Reduce, reuse, recycle. Plant your own gardens. Buy only what you need.

All within the last decade, the way we use our money has changed rapidly.
We have started to become more eco-friendly than we were ten years ago. As more and more evidence is coming out, going green is better…and will cure what ails you.

Watching the timeline of the last century when toxic chemicals were introduced into every household in the form of cleaning products in the early 20th century shows how sick we became…how cancers became more and more prevalent. How children became more asthmatic…and more and more children became born (especially those born from Generation X) with developmental problems like autism, ADHD, ADD and other childhood cancers and diseases.

We have flooded our homes, our bodies, and our planet with toxin after toxin. We put petroleum oil on our lips. We cook using petroleum oil products (plastics). We smother the air with toxins from using petroleum as a form of energy.

We are not only killing the planet, we are killing ourselves.

But don’t fear…Mother Earth is correcting all of that.

Scary? It should be. Look at Japan. Look at Australia. Look at South America. It’s happening NOW.

So the question is…what are you going to do about it?

Imagine being that parent that drops their kid off at school and an hour later the school is hit by a tsunami. You manage to survive and your only thought is to get to that school. When you get there you find out that there were no survivors.

Is that the future you want? For most parents, they would be completely defeated to learn that their child was killed by Mother Earth, but they survived.

They could have no home left, no job, no food or clean water, but all they care about is that they survived the tragedy, but their loved ones had not.
This is the life for so many in Japan right now.

This should serve as a lesson to the rest of the world.

While on our road trip to Carolina last weekend, Katrina posed the question, if you knew this was the end of the world, what are you doing with your life?

Would you run around the world and see everything you possibly could…just in case it was wiped away? Would you finish your dream mission to visit every NHL arena? Would you finally attempt to do every single thing you’ve ever dreamed of doing?

I decided this year that I would finally go on my dream vacation to Morocco. I swore I wouldn’t even look at the price tag. I would stop in Paris once again and see la cite de l’amour one more time. I would eat French food, sit in cafes and sit down in L’Orangerie and be surrounded in Monet’s Water Lilies…one last time.

I wanted to fall in love with Paris all over again just in case it was the last time I would ever be able to see her. It was in Paris that I fell in love with seeing the world and different cultures. It was that experience I had while I was there that I would bring home with me and tell my grandfather (who paid for the trip), what are you waiting for? You only get one life to do anything and everything you’ve ever dreamed of doing. If you want to see Paris the way I saw Paris…then GO…SEE THE WORLD!!!

My family had told him for years to travel the world in his retirement. It wasn’t until I said those words to him that he began traveling around the world. He started in his 70s. I started at the age of 16.

Beyond the photos and maps we bring home of the places we’ve seen, we also keep a box of coins from every country we’ve ever visited (along with a few postage stamps). I say ‘we’ when it’s really only ‘me’ now. It’s one of the few things I have left of our journeys around the world. It’s a reminder that we only have one life to live…and I’ve got to do anything and everything I’ve ever dreamed of doing.

Morocco was always that ‘someday’ I’ll go kind of trip. Now, it’s a ‘what are you waiting for’ trip. With the rebellions happening all throughout the Middle East, and a new war starting in Libya involving the United States, I’m reminded once again just how little time I have left to make my dreams come true.

I don’t want to be stuck in another moment where I’m watching on the television one of the greatest wonders of the world brought down to dust. I don’t want mankind or Mother Nature to take it all away…so I am in a race to defeat man and nature…and let what is left of it inspire me with new memories.

Which leads me to my next point.

I mentioned ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ for a reason. The life lesson I learned this weekend was about my career. I had to ask myself if I was happy doing what I’m doing now. The truth is, I’m happy that I’m writing…and a lot. The passion has always been in the writing, not in hockey. Hockey was a subject I could get passionate about…so long as I was writing about it.

I was reading some entries from a photojournalist for National Geographic. I read about his adventures going from one land to the next, taking photographs, documenting his adventures and then sharing it with the world through that amazing little magazine.

I remember as a child sitting in my great-grandmother’s house and reading all of her National Geographic magazines. She had years upon years worth of the publication. My Dad ordered a subscription to the kids magazine afterwards (because there were no naked people in it).

Reading this photojournalist’s journey around the world for National Geographic reminded me of all those years ago with my great-grandmother and how she was always smiling, looking at me flipping through all of the magazines…and seeing the world through a photojournalist’s eyes. You see, my great-grandmother was a writer, too. I just so happen to be following in her footsteps.

Oddly enough, I found her notebook of writings among my things a few months ago. How it got there, I have no idea. But fate has its way sometimes. I was meant to find it…over 70 years later.

When I read through the first few pages of her story, I started to cry. For the first time in my life, I had felt that deep connection with my great-grandmother. I finally knew where I got my passion in writing…I got it from her. That little old lady with the biggest smile in the world…I got one of the greatest gifts from her.

Reading that National Geographic photojournalist’s essay on his trip to South America made me ponder just what I am doing with my life. Am I doing exactly what I wanted to be doing with my life? Is this guy living the life I should be living?

Yes…I asked myself that. The answer was…No. I’m not living the life I want to live.

Before my grandfather died, he had asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told him that if I had the choice, I would travel the world and write. I’d write about the people I see, the people I meet, the life around me. I would travel to experience new things and write in contentment for the rest of my life.

He told me, “Then do that.”

That National Geographic essay reminded me of that dream I told my grandfather back in 2007. I’ve been writing ever since then.

But every career has it’s time where you have to perfect your craft. These last three seasons were a way for me to dive into a culture and talk about it from the inside/out. I lived in a city where I got in touch with God (who would have thought I’d find God in New York City?).

That sign I got on the way back to NYC last weekend…68 and Washington…told me that the reason why I got into hockey to begin with was about to reveal itself. And it has.

68 is Jaromir Jagr’s number. Washington was the place where I first saw Jagr. It marked the beginning of a prophecy into my life that would only begin four years later. It’s only now making sense to me.

Hockey was my backbone. Writing was my soul. The two intertwined and gave me an incredible career…but it does not complete me. The accolades of appreciation I got from those who read my entries from Dublin, Ireland were the only bits of appreciation that I received over these past few years that made me feel happy.

There are only a few stories I’ve written about hockey that made me so passionate about writing. Those stories involved the history and ‘story’ of a hockey player. Everyone else writes about the games and how people are winning and losing. Too many people write about that. Not too many people talk about the things that go into making a dream into a reality. There are not too many articles out there talking about the man behind the mask.

There are not that many articles that talk about triumphs and defeats within the culture of hockey. Too many want you to just focus on who won, who lost, and why it happened that way.

The thing about being successful is not writing about what people want you to write about. It’s about writing what you feel you should write about. It allows you to have your own voice, thrown in with its own peculiarities that makes your own work unique. It is what separates you from the next person.

So this is where I say, “It’s time.”

Every person that is meant for greatness has a beginning. We all have to start from somewhere. It is in those experiences that we grow and prepare ourselves for the moment of destiny that we are meant to grasp when the time comes.

I’ve felt it for a long time now. I knew the moment was coming…and I’ve been preparing for it since my grandfather passed away.

Like that child sitting in an old house in North Carolina, flipping through National Geographic after National Geographic, looking at the world through new eyes thinking…I want to see this for myself…I’ve finally found a new path in this life.

It’s that smile from a great-grandmother. It’s an inspiration from a grandfather that told me that nothing will ever work out the way I want it to unless I’m on my path in life (and that moment literally threw me onto that path), that is now shaping my decisions.

What I want…is exactly what I told my grandfather I wanted a month before he died. I want to travel the world and write about the people I meet and the things I experience. I want to write spiritual and inspiring stories that help people realize the potential that they have in themselves. I want to live…

That is the beauty in life…living for today as if there is no tomorrow. Doing anything and everything you’ve always dreamed of doing. It’s about living this life to the fullest potential…and being happy every single day that you are living this life.

If the world comes to an end like the Mayans predicted…at least I can say that I did everything I ever wanted to do in this lifetime…and I was happy doing it. Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to contribute to this human race in an inspiring way that one of my works survives and gets passed on to others. That is the only thing I want to contribute to the world.

Like Leonardo da Vinci contributed his Mona Lisa or Dante’s work, “The Divine Comedy,” they did not aim for greatness. They only aimed to contribute one piece of work that would transcend time…a representation of who they were…and that they had lived. Their immortal soul resides in those works…and it has forever taught humanity a new lesson…it has opened a gateway to look within our own souls. It is what we find there that is the revelation.

When I first moved to New York, I befriended a lot of people in my office.  Some, I hung out with every other weekend, traveled all over the place with, and shared a lot of those innermost secrets like friends are supposed to do.

A couple of the big bosses said to me, “You think they’re your friend, but they’re really not.” 

I did not understand those warnings until last night. 

One of my friends told me recently that I’m the type of person that brings to a friendship what I expect back in return.  Which means that I only bring forth the true friendship card.  But that is my downfall in friendships, because I expect people to bring forth their true friendship card too.  I expect them to be like me, when they really are not.

Our society has become a society of  ‘what you can do for me’ friendships.  Some people like that you’re famous, and they’re only your friend for that reason.  Some people like that you have access to certain things that they can’t get on their own.  Some people like that you have money, maybe they’ll borrow some of it someday.

They’re only your friend for so long as they can get something out of you and the life you’ve created for yourself.  They’re kind of like a leech…trying to grab whatever good fortunes may come your way. 

I remember Rangers fans befriending me because I sat down in front and went to all of the Rangers VIP events (which meant you had to have money in order to gain access to those events).  One even took the puck bunny route and befriended me because I had access to the players.  [Serious no, no in my book.]  She dumped me as a friend the second she was able to have access to that player. 

Kind of dumb, because I told his family not so long after that what she had done and they stopped talking to her immediately. 

You never know what’s behind that fake facade.  You never know when someone is being genuine, true, and only interested in being friends with YOU. 

In the 6 years I’ve been in New York City, I can count only three people that I’ve befriended that were honest and true friends. 

Isn’t that sad?  All the rest (and I’ve met a lot of people) wanted something from me.  It was all about how my success could benefit them.

When did it become okay to be ‘that type’ of person?  The ‘user’ only shows up when they need something, and when YOU need THEM, THEY’RE nowhere to be found.  When they have a problem, you’re there for them.  But when you have a problem, they are conveniently busy…and don’t call you back until three months later when they need something from you (and your disaster has long since been resolved). 

I didn’t realize that people were that way.  My friend said that I always look at the best in people, thinking that they are going to be the type of person I am…honest and true when it comes to friendship…little did I know that people just aren’t like me.

That’s truly sad.

Gone are the days when people needed a true friend.  Prepare to give everything you’ve worked so hard for and share it with the fake people around you.  It doesn’t just happen when you’re famous.  It happens to everyone.

No wonder why so many people are miserable. 

It took me until I was almost 35 years old to understand why it’s so hard to find a good friend.  I never realized that people just don’t put their best effort forward when they are looking to make new friendships. 

I had a hard time understanding the “Mean Girls” society.  I was never exposed to it growing up.  I had an even harder time understanding why people bully.  My friends never had a ‘bully’ bone in their body when I was growing up.  We all knew it was WRONG.  So why do something that is WRONG?

These days, I’m left to ponder, “With friends like these, who needs enemies?” (That term took me 35 years to understand as well).  I believe they call them ‘frenemies.’  Who wants one of those?

Now, this post is not coming out of a place where I got into a fight with someone I thought was a friend.  No. 

This post is coming from a realization that people really are fake.  Even worse, people disguise themselves as fake friends.

I like to see the best in people.  I always overlook the bad.  Why?  Because everyone needs to be loved, honored and cherished despite their mistakes and pitfalls.  You have to do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  I’ve always believed that if you want a real friendship, you have to put out there the same type of friendship you need.

Maybe along the way, a true friend will show up. 

Out of the 100s of possible friends I’ve weeded through in NYC, I’ve come up with three true friends.  Sad, right?  I’ve had more people become an ex-friend than a real friend.

Finding a true friend is a lot like finding love.  You sort through all of the possible suitors and wind up finding only one, or maybe just a few people that you’re going to love in this lifetime.  Friendships are the same way.  You could wind up with only one true friend, or just a handful in this lifetime.  They’re like finding a diamond in the rough…a lot like finding love.

When you find that true friend, don’t let them go.  Do whatever it takes to make the friendship grow.  I always love watching Oprah and Gayle.  They are such great friends, and they’ve been good friends for years.  It’s that sisterly bond between two good friends (some guys call their brotherly love: bromance).

Those are the friends that are with you through the good times and the bad times.  You laugh and you cry with them.  You share your biggest adventures with them, and the worst moments of your life.  They’re the ones that stand by your side no matter what.  They’re there when you are losing it.  They’re there to bring you back to sanity.

A good friend is an investment.  You invest in living a good life with them.  It means taking care to put your best effort forward.  This is a person that no matter what comes at you in life (marriage, family, sickness, death, etc.), you’re going to love that person because they’re your friend.

They show you the beauty in yourself.  They remind you that you are beautiful, even when you’re beating yourself up over how you look today.  They’re the ones you take with you on your life’s adventures.  They’re the ones you share your life with…no matter how many people you fall in love with…they know every single one of them…and they know if that person is good for you or not.

They’re the ones you eat countless bad calories with and say, “Fuck it!” to all of those diets we (were) on. 

That is what is so beautiful about a true friend…they’re a rarity, but when you find them, you don’t let go of them.  It’s a lot like finding true love.  True love is meant to last forever…just like friends were meant to last. [Friends Forever]

A few years ago, I had a dream about being out and about with my good friend M.  As many stories as we’ve shared about our hopes and dreams, in this dream, I was expecting.  Something happened while we were out together in NYC and she was the one that rushed me to the hospital and was there for me when the baby was born. 

Two years later, when I think about that dream, I think about how M is going to be there for me through all of life’s challenges and scary moments.  I sometimes sit next to her and just feel this warm feeling of love towards her, because she’s my best friend.  We’ve had a lot of adventures together so far. 

But the one thing that’s been great out of this friendship…we inspire each other to be better people.  When one person is stuck in a rut, the other one has the perfect remedy.  When one person is living the dream, the other one is inspired to do the things that nurture their own dream.

What’s even funnier…we share the same love of books with each other.  We hadn’t seen each other in months, and I told her I was reading “Percy Jackson and The Olympians” right now.  She told me that she had also switched to reading teen books as well (FableHaven).  We’re such like minded souls, that it was funny to find out that we had become addicted to reading teen books.

We’d rather watch a Disney movie than see a serious movie when we’re out. 

Believe it or not, she’s a writer, too…a children’s book writer. 

As much as she doesn’t understand the hockey world, all she sees is that I’m living the dream and writing every single day.  It inspires her to continue writing and to do something for herself every single day. 

We learn a lot from each other…we learn how to be better than we already are when we see each other.  There’s no jealousy. There’s no competition.  There’s just happiness and joy when we can ‘be there’ for each other…even if it’s just for dinner at some cheesy restaurant…we’re there for each other, no matter how busy our schedule is…we find time.

That’s the beauty of a good friendship.  We are alive when we have a good friend by our side.  We need them, just as much as they need us.  But what we really want from our friends…is just to be happy with someone until our dying days.  We all need companions on this road in life.

There’s romance…and then there is the love of a good friend.  When you find that diamond in the rough, embrace them and never let them go…give from who you are, and share the laughter, the tears, the heartaches and the triumphs of life together.  That’s the beauty of a true friend.

As a take off from last month’s self-discovery at the spa, this month will focus completely on BEAUTY…and finding happiness in beauty.

Beauty comes in various forms, from objects of desire, to nature, to a beautiful moment…beauty is everywhere.  But here, we’ll be getting into the deeper beauty.

I wrote a post last night, but it was all over the place, so I’m going to separate this first BEAUTY post up into my different ponderings of the day.

1.  I wanted to start off this series with a story that still touches my soul to this very day.  It’s all about seeing beauty in a new way.

Back in 2002, I was standing in line at a grocery store in Arlington, Virginia.  There was a cute little boy sitting in the cart, while his dad was unloading the groceries onto the conveyor belt.

I noticed that the kid had some sort of disability…perhaps autism…I didn’t know.  He never looked at anyone.  He kept his hand in his mouth, drooling everywhere, and looking at nothing in particular. 

I watched his father struggle to put one head of cabbage after the next onto the conveyor belt.  I couldn’t help but feel bad for him, because it was evident that he was going through serious financial problems and hardships.

I had noticed the father before I realized that the child had a disability.  When I realized the reason for the hardship radiating from the father, I felt compassion for him.  He struggled so much all in the name of that child sitting in front of me.

When the cashier saw the child, she backed up in horror.  She looked at the little boy like he was a freak of nature. 

I was astounded that someone would look at a child like that.

I looked at the kid, thinking how bad I felt for him after the way she looked at him, and then I realized something…it didn’t matter.

To him, he didn’t care what someone else thought of him.  He didn’t care that someone had passed judgment on him.  He had no awareness of the hatred and nastiness being hurled his way.  It didn’t hurt him.  It didn’t scald him.  It didn’t leave an imprint on him.

Why?  Because he was oblivious to his surroundings.  He had no cares as to what someone else felt about him…or thought about him.  He was, in essence, in the purest of forms that a child can be in…in a world where the world can’t hurt him emotionally or mentally.

He has not been corrupted by the world.  He is purity and innocence.

To me, that was beauty in itself.  To be in a state where the evils of the world cannot harm you…including the judgments we pass upon ourselves…that is bliss.  To not be hurt when someone looks at you like you are a freak.  To not care what someone thinks of you.  To have no acknowledgement of any evil that has ransacked this world…that is beauty.

I will always remember standing there, looking at the child and thinking…there’s an angel talking to him.  His only focus is on that angel. 

That’s what I see when I see kids with autism.  Their minds are so elevated, that we cannot understand where they are or what they are thinking.  It’s almost like they are lost in thought, listening to an angel. 

My heart always goes out to parents that struggle with raising a child with a disability.  It’s a tough adventure, but it teaches us to love deeper and stronger.

For that little boy sitting in that shopping cart, I admire him.  What most of us wouldn’t give to sit there and listen to angels 24/7, and not have a care in the world.  There is a beauty in that…to not care what other people think…to not hear the negative comments we make to ourselves.  To not care that the world is out to hurt us…to have no understanding that people are hurting and will push their hurt out onto you…to not hurt…that is admirable.

There are many who wish they could live in a world where there is no pain.  Looking into this little boy’s eyes, he has no concept of pain…or the fact that someone has judged him a freak.  He doesn’t know and doesn’t care.  He is immune to that hurt.

There is a lesson in all of this.  When your focus is on God, the world’s pain means nothing to you.  You don’t participate in the drama of the world.  You don’t acknowledge their sorrows.  You only focus on God. 

Shouldn’t we all aim to have no cares when it concerns the drama of the world? Shouldn’t we be as oblivious as that child was to those who pass judgment upon us (in a hurtful manner)?  Shouldn’t we have all of that peaceful, pure power to not let others cause harm to us?

That little boy had so much power.  Most of us would have been hurt by the way that cashier looked at him.  Even I felt bad for the little boy.  But the fact that it didn’t bother him…that’s what made the moment so beautiful. 

Why focus on other people’s feelings and emotions?  It’s not like they were right. 

We should aim to be like that child…fearless, unattached, and always with our eyes to God.  We can be just as free as he was that day…and be without sorrow.

To me, that child was so beautiful…because 10 years later, I’m still thinking about that beautiful moment where he taught me so much.  That moment even inspired a song way back when.  That song was about seeing that beauty within him…it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

2.  Since I started off talking about kids…my universe has started to take a strange turn.  The biological clock has started to tick.  Mean joke, God…really.

Everywhere I turn there’s some sign that says “Baby” and “You.”  I’m seeing it everywhere…on billboards, on signs, in emails, in ads, in the news, on Twitter…I’m about to go nuts.  Even my dreams are filled with babies.  This is the universe’s way of saying, “It’s time.”  *shakes fist at God*

Funny how at the Meditation Center on Monday the topic of babies came up (see…like I said…it’s everywhere).  What was interesting was that the teacher that I’ve been sitting with the past couple of weeks has been reading me and talking about everything she’s picking up in the class (without telling the class which person she’s talking about). 

One of the things she spoke about was her decision to forego relationships, marriage, and a family.  She spoke about those reasons, but when she said she made the decision not to have a child, I saw it. 

I know that sorrow, because I’ve felt it before…that decision to not have a child.

It’s like breaking your own heart before the universe can do it for you.  Yep, I knew that look. 

After I was diagnosed with skin cancer, I was told that I would always have it.  It was a matter of it being dormant or awake.  After my surgery in 2008, the doctors said that it had awakened again.  I went through the next year praying it would go back to sleep and not turn into another surgery where I would have to have more tumors removed. 

During that time, I thought about the things in life that I wanted…to get married to someone wonderful, and to have a family.  The more and more I thought on it, the more and more I realized that it may not be a wise choice.

I knew that if I were to have any type of surgery, I may not survive it.  Getting my body into the green zone again, after being on the borderline red/yellow zone (leaning more towards the red), became more and more important.  The thoughts of the dangers of having a child in my condition weighed heavily upon my mind.  What if the cancer won in the next decade?  Wouldn’t it be wrong of me to do that to a child?  To leave them without their mother?

The universe’s answer to those questions were not what I anticipated. 

For some odd reason, I got hit with a lot of stories about women with cancer that were able to give birth (and found a cure during their pregnancy).  I read so many stories of women that didn’t think it was possible, but God gave them HOPE.  He granted them their deepest wish…a child worth living for.

The lesson learned here is that you should never close doors on a future that you know deep within your own soul that you want very badly.  The universe will not allow you to close that door.

To tell yourself that you cannot marry or have a child, when you know deep down that you want that, is like committing a sin. 

Whenever I give sorrow to myself (or others), I am committing a sin.

To tell yourself that a child is not in your cards…when it’s something you want so deeply, you are causing yourself sorrow.  That is a sin.

Over this past year, I’ve learned that the door must always remain open to possibilities.  Whether it is through birth or adoption, the door remains open to those possibilities.  Who am I to deny myself something that I want so badly that will not only be good for my soul, but be good for another soul? 

3.  I can do it better. 

Make effort to make yourself better for the next time.

That was the lesson of the day on Monday night. 

No matter what you do in life, you can always make effort to do it better the next time.  It’s like this whole happiness project…I’m constantly making effort to make myself better…cleaning out all the clutter of emotions, thoughts, traumas, unhappiness…and just plain old crap that I don’t need. 

I decided I wanted to do this because I don’t want to take this baggage along with me anymore.  It’s getting heavy, and I’m not getting any happier by carrying it with me.  I’d like the load to be lifted.  By letting go of that baggage, I’m feeling better the further I go along.

Going back to the Meditation Center after a 2-year hiatus was what I felt compelled to do.  I needed to learn more.  All of the tools I needed have been given to me over these past few weeks.

When I learned to forgive, I also learned why I learned to hate. 

I was more mad at my mother for making me feel hate within my soul for the first time.  The way she lied and got others to hate me…and made me look like the most evil person on the face of the planet…that made me feel hate for the very first time in my life…the kind of hate that makes you turn to true evil.

Why was that emotion so strong?  Ends up that feeling I had in that moment was a direct result of karma.  When you don’t learn the lesson the first few times, it gets worse and worse until you learn the lesson. 

You should never base your actions on emotions, because who is to say that what you are feeling is right?  How we react to things is always a direct result from the past.  The feelings that come from it are not an objective way to judge.

In the past, I’ve had people that were ‘friends’ that betrayed me, would get others to gang up on me (by telling lies and spreading them), and make me out to be this horrible person.  I would always sever ties with them, walk away and deem them as not trustworthy and evil people.

Imagine when my mother did that and the only thing I could say was, “You are just like all of THEM.”  As in…you’re just like all of those evil sons of bitches out there in the world.  They are all monsters…which means that my mother was now a monster in my eyes.

You can’t go through your mind “Why?” they would do this to you.  If you spend too much time thinking on it, you’ll never get to the bottom of it.  Most times, jealousy runs rampant when these things happen.  But why it happens to you…that is the question.  Why does it keep happening to you?  That is the correct question.

I’ve learned that the reason why the situation got worse and worse was because I didn’t learn the lesson from it.  I didn’t learn to FORGIVE.  I didn’t learn to LOVE them, because I didn’t see that they were hurting inside.

I’m reminded of the moral of the story of Jesus dying on the cross.  He forgave those that transgressed against him.  He still loved them, even when they threw hate at him.  He took it, carried the weight upon his shoulders and forgave them, because they did not know what they had done.

He still loved, even when the world hated him.  He still forgave, even though he didn’t have to.  He did it for himself.  He did it for them.  He did it for God. 

Jesus received the same teachings that I do now.  He tried to show to the world that there was another, better way.  But the world chose their way, and crucified his ways.  Yet, they still try to understand his ways without getting too close (ergo, never truly understanding the true message). 

Learning to forgive and love your enemies is probably the hardest thing in the world to do, but repeating (even if just a prayer to yourself) “I forgive you, for you do not understand what you do to me,” is enough to be better than you were before.

This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn…forgiving and loving my enemies.   But when I think about how karma works…the thought of experiencing something much, much worse than what I endured with my mother scares the crap out of me.  It’s better to stop the cycle here.  Forgive.  Love.  The End.  Learn the lesson now, not later.

We need to always look for ways to improve ourselves in everything that we do.  We must always focus on how to create better moments and a better life, not only for ourselves, but for everyone.

Always ask yourself how you can do it better next time.  Life is not perfect, but we can always do it better.

So to tie that in with last month’s discovery…you can tell yourself you’re beautiful (and stop beating yourself up)…do one better…try believing it.

It’s the day after the Trade Deadline.  Here are my ponderings…

1.  Jason Arnott.  Ever since Arnott said he wanted out back in December, we’ve watched his ice time grow less and less and less.  He was taken off of the most productive line (with Patrik Elias) and left to dwindle into oblivion.

That turnaround that everyone’s talking about in Devils’ territory…Arnott’s role was minimal, at best. 

Scouts from Montreal were watching Arnott for two months…funny, they were unimpressed.  Why?  Because that was two months following Arnott’s words about going to a Cup contender.  That was also the same two months when his play tapered off.  His ice time dropped considerably from one game to the next.

Losing Arnott and gaining David Steckel from the Washington Capitals is a win/win.  Arnott was fantastic when he performed for us…but when there’s a player on the Devils that doesn’t know if he should believe or not…best to cut ties.  The Devils don’t need uncertainty.  They need positivity and a deep-seeded belief that together they will make it…no matter what the end result is…they will make it to that finish line.

My hopes: Capitals bow out before the Devils do.

My true pondering: What do the Devils think about a teammate that wants out?  A teammate that doesn’t completely believe that they’ll make it?  Sure, there’s that need to be with a Cup contender when your years are coming to an end, but I don’t see Martin Brodeur or Patrik Elias abandoning ship.  If they believe…shouldn’t everyone believe?

Then again…if you don’t believe…the team is better off without you.  They don’t need that kind of karma lingering around.

2.  Phoenix/Blue Jackets trade.  Don’t think I couldn’t hear a little snickering coming out of Toronto.  Actually…it came via text message in response to a text I sent saying: “Upshall/Lepisto to Columbus!”

Poor Paul Bissonnette has no so-called single guys to hang out with…he should have asked for a trade to NYC.  Maybe he could teach Sean Avery a thing or two about how to dress…

Good luck to the two former Coyotes in Columbus.  Ohio is really…BORING…  Consider it my midwestern bias.  I say the same thing about my home state of Indiana.  Also watch for bed bugs.  Columbus is #1 worst in the bed bug epidemic in all of America!  State of Ohio ranks right after that.

As for Toronto…she’s still laughing as of this morning…

3.  Michael Yormark.  The Florida Panthers’ president made MSM (mainstream media) pretty mad yesterday after he tweeted this about the Miami Herald’s beat writer:

@PanthersYormark: love george richard’s tweets. He just doesn’t get it He probably spends too much time in the adt club and not enough time doing his homework

Surprising that the Panthers’ President would be so open about his thoughts on a beat reporter?  Just imagine if John Tortorella got on Twitter! 

Torts doesn’t need to tweet his thoughts on beat writers.  He’ll tell them to their face.  I’ve witnessed it a few times.  It’s even up on Youtube.  He remembers exactly what you wrote.  He’ll tell you why he doesn’t want to talk to you.  He’ll even tell you it was because YOU wrote XY&Z. 

Makes you think, because his concerns are about his team.  One time, Torts told a guy that he didn’t like what he wrote because it was hurtful to the guy the writer was talking about in his article.  That’s a coach sticking up for his team.  Reminded me why I don’t read certain publications…

As for Yormark…the tweet was a little mean (like he was calling the guy fat).  He still stands by what he said.

I’ve been avoiding talking about the Devils on this blog this year for a couple of reasons.  1) I wanted to focus mainly on the book project and the happiness project; and 2) the Devils weren’t winning and that didn’t jive with the happiness project.

But now that they are on an 8 game win streak, most of us are too afraid to predict the end result.  We’re afraid that the impossible will not become possible if we say something about it.  We’ll jinx it.  That’s why everyone’s focusing on one game at a time.  Taking one right step in the right direction.  No one wants to look at the other side of the chasm.  They just want to concentrate on taking one right step onto the next plank that will safely see them across that bridge of death and into Hallelujah land.

Will the Devils make it?  Why would I be dreaming of heading to Montreal with the Devils unless that means…

That’s as far as I’ll take that conversation.  I already know who’s winning the Cup.  Only a few people know that prediction.  All I can say is…ask what team keeps coming up strangely in my universe again and again and again.  That’s the team I felt was making it back in August last year.

There is that feeling again in the Devils locker room…that strange magic that something important (and good) is happening.   I haven’t felt that feeling since 2005-2006…and again in 2008-2009. 

Last year, I didn’t have that feeling.  I could look at one person in that locker room and tell you, we’re not winning this one.  We’re bowing out of it.  I could tell one month before the playoffs even began.  It was one person in that room that predicted that outcome.  He will remain nameless. 

The year before, everyone could feel that magic.  It was strong.  Players talked in whispers about it…for fear that they’d jinx what was happening.  It’s that same fear that everyone’s afraid to jinx once again.  One game at a time…that’s all that matters.  One game at a time…

I know a lot of fans that read my work know what I’m thinking…and I don’t have to say it.  There are reasons for this turnaround.  So instead of rehashing over a year’s worth of blog entries on the Devils, I’ll talk about this from a different vantage point.

I’m glad the Devils lost like they did in the first half.  The complete failure of the team, breaking them down to barely scraping themselves up from the bottom of the pit, allowed them to get rid of that bad karma they generated and brought into the season. 

This total breakdown allowed them to institute a theory I’ve had for years.  Now, I get to watch it happen before my very own eyes.

Here’s my theory…teams that win from the start tend to breakdown at the end.  They lose the passion and fire in their game.  Their strategies are so down pat that by the time they arrive at the finish line, all of the other teams know exactly what they’re going to do.  Ergo, they can beat their system.

When a team fights for survival, they play differently.  Their passion and drive is different than that team that won all throughout the season.  They are going in with a different mindset.  They are going in as if they are getting ready for the playoffs…because they have to prove themselves worthy to everyone, including themselves.  They start to play playoff hockey because they are fighting just to make it in.

Their newfound passion allows them to beat those teams that won in the first half of the season.  The underdog team is fighting tooth and nail just to survive…and that means winning every single game.

[You always put your best foot forward when you are trying to prove to everyone that you deserve to be there.]

Success is my only mother fucking option, failure’s not.

A team that loses the first half, and succeeds in the second half is the team I want to watch in the playoffs.  The Philadelphia Flyers were just like that last year.  Where did it take them?  To the FINALS.

The Devils never switched into the playoff mode last year.  The Flyers, on the other hand, switched into that mode a couple of months prior to game 82.  Why?  Because they were fighting tooth and nail at the end just to grab that 8th seed in the Eastern Conference. 

That was the team to watch in the playoffs.

Now, we sit and wait for the Devils to repeat that history that the Flyers had last year, but do one better. 

I’ve said since day one that I’m not writing that book on the Devils until I witness them win the Cup with my very own eyes as one of their reporters.  IF this were the year…at least they made the story very interesting.  From the summer of Kovalchuk…to sitting at the bottom of the league (#30)…to all of a sudden creating NHL history by coming back from the biggest margin ever in the history of the NHL…this would be the miracle on ice story to write.

My first year, I watched the Devils create records.  The second year, I watched them crumble.  The third year…I watched them rebuild themselves.

People always say that the losing years are the years of rebuild.  That’s a dumb excuse.  A rebuild is the year that they actually rebuild themselves in that season from dead last to a winning team.

This is the team you take to the playoffs…that is, so long as they continue doing what they are doing RIGHT NOW, and continue to correct themselves and get better.  They are far from being a playoff champion.  They still have a lot of work to do to become a better team…and they know it.

It’s that kind of team you invest in.  That’s why the hockey gods have favored them by pouring some magic their way.  But you know how finicky those hockey gods are…one mis-step and bye bye magic. 

The way the Devils have to play this out for now…they’ll have to worry about the finish line when they get there. 

One right step in the right direction.  One second to play. One game to win.  2 points to gain.

There are four days left in the love is happiness adventure, so this may be the last post on LOVE for the month. 

Today, I’m going to talk about something I was taught last night at the Meditation Center.

Since the sister I’ve been working with is at the ashram in India for the next few weeks, I sat down with a new teacher and learned to see things in a different light.

I think the first time around when I went to the Meditation Center back in 2008, they were preparing me to become a sister (aka nun) at the Center.  That means that I would have chosen to ward off relationships with other people. 

This time around, the story is different.  When you are not being trained to become a sister, the teachings are very different.  I got a little taste of what everyone else was being taught, instead of assisting in the teachings.

In the past, I had seen the quote, “Love Does Not Hurt.”  Most times, it refers to people in an abusive relationship.  But to hear “In true love there is no sorrow,” it actually makes you think.

The type of relationship (as far as romantic love is concerned) you have is a mirror image of what you have brought into the relationship.  If it is filled with love, it reflects.  If it is filled with hate, it reflects.  If it is filled with anger, it reflects.  If it is filled with happiness, it reflects.

While therapists work on your past and why you are the way you are today, they never focus on the now and how to change things from repeating itself.  Bad behaviors…pain from a past relationship or a childhood experience…can all be brought into the present.  But the question is…do you want to re-live the victim card every single time?  Don’t we want to move on and away from that?

Most people don’t realize that you have a choice in how you think and act.  Many people feel as if they are guided by their emotions and reactions to situations as they appear.  They feel as if they are not in control of what happens next.

What I’ve learned over these years is that we have a choice in controlling the NOW.  If we are in a bad mood, the day will get worse and worse as the day moves along because we are attracting bad things to us.  We can stop, ask ourselves why we are in a bad mood, decide if we want to continue in that mood (along with all the nasty things that will come because of it) OR change the course of events by putting a stop to that bad mood, saying that ‘I am’ done with it, think good things, so that ‘I’ can spend the remainder of the day reaping the good benefits.

If you think it’s stupid…I’ve been practicing this for 3 years.  It works every single time, and if you know how magical my life has been so far…this is how I’ve tapped into that universal magic.

It’s like in wealth.  When you give in the service of God (whether it be through good karmic acts or by sharing your wealth with your friends/family) your bounty grows, plus some.  You give without asking for anything in return.  You give with good thoughts, good positive energy, and good blessings.  Then you watch your bank account grow, plus some.  Everything in your life grows, plus some.

Sharing the wealth with the Center means telling others about the things I have learned and spreading that knowledge.  I can give thanks by bringing in flowers or fresh fruit for the Center, and bestowing universal blessings to all humanity.  This is how we gain karmic wealth, because you get back what you put out there, plus some.

Some people believe that bad things happen to good people, but just because a person is good doesn’t mean that they didn’t have a bad day.  It doesn’t mean that someone didn’t affect them in a negative way and cause them to be in a bad mood.  It doesn’t mean that they didn’t have bad thoughts or bad feelings.

Bad things happen when we allow our mind to be polluted with the pollution of humanity.  Just as the ocean can be polluted with toxins, so can our minds.       

We all start off on a pure slate.  Our minds are pure when we are born.  The ocean was pure before man dumped toxins into it.  We all started from a moment of purity, before the world polluted it.  We can also return to that purity of mind that will allow only good things to happen in our lives.

In relationships, we tend to become attached to the other person.  Their drama becomes our drama.  We cannot separate ourselves from it.  But when you realize that attachments can weigh you down, you realize that you have enslaved yourself to someone else.

Attachment is a word used to define an unhealthy relationship with someone or something.  You can’t take them with you when you die.  You have only your soul to answer to in the end. 

A healthy relationship does not mean attaching yourself to other people or things.  Most often, you will find unhappiness and sorrow lurking nearby when you become attached to others or things. 

True love means pure love…giving love that is pure, without vices, and watching that love grow and spread out like branches on a tree.  When you attach yourself to someone, vices like jealousy pop in.  Anger pops in when they do something that you don’t like. 

If you truly love that person from the pureness of your heart and soul, these things should not happen, because you will not allow that love to become polluted.  Vices should not appear, because you don’t allow them to appear. 

In true love there is no sorrow.

If you’ve seen these vices appear, you are not experiencing true love. 

In order to experience true love, your love has to truly come from the soul.  It’s that same energy of love you receive from God.  You take that love and keep it pure by loving others in that same way.  Let the mirror reflect that same love without it becoming polluted by vices or everything else out there in the universe that is negative.

You have the power to change the other person in how they love you by keeping the love pure.

Another thing I learned is that things that happen in our lives can cause an imprint on our soul.  We replay the same movie again and again in our minds.  We think about the things that we would have liked to have said or done.

These imprints on our soul are what we call sanskars (Indian word).  In Christianity, it would be similar to Peter going through the list and talking about all of the things (both good/bad) that happened in your life…replaying it before your eyes before the decision is made if you will enter the gates of Heaven or not.

These are the life events that happened to you…where you’ve had no closure.  We replay the victim role each time.  We hold onto that pain and never release it.  We re-live the past, and try to change it each time to where we can say what we really wanted to say to the person that hurt us.

Why are we rehashing the past in the present?  Does it change the past?  No.  It doesn’t benefit you or anyone else.  You’re just re-living your role as the victim and not letting go of it.  You have to ask yourself, “Do I want to continue to be a victim?” 

We all have those moments where someone inflicted severe pain on us.  Most of us can’t let go.

If you’ve been following this year’s “Losing 100 Pounds of Unhappiness” adventures into doing something happy every single day, then you would have noticed the change in my life.  By focusing on being purely happy, I’ve released the unhappiness inside of myself…that I didn’t even know was there. 

The day I embraced my inner child, I uncovered something about myself that I didn’t even know was there.  It forced me to confront it and change it right there on the spot.  It allowed me to let go of a bad habit. 

I let go of someone I loved, because I had to tell myself that no matter how deeply we loved, sometimes it’s not what was fated to be yours.  There’s someone better for you out there.  You can upgrade.  It’s admitting that life can be better than that moment I shared with someone else in the past that helped me to let him go.

I’ve learned to forgive my own mother for hurting me as deeply as she did.  She wounded me with vicious words that did not come from love.  It was a card on Valentine’s Day that made me remember when that love was pure…but it also made me realize that the pure love was in the past.  It was not the present.  I forgave her because she had no concept of what she had done to me.  There are no words to describe how she made me feel.  But it hurt me, and left a deep impression of pain on my soul. 

Moving on for yourself means forgiving those that do not comprehend how much they have hurt you.  It’s understanding that they will never know or understand.  The way things were before that terrible moment…are a memory.  It’s the past.  That love is not the present.  The only thing you must have the strength to do and say is, “It’s out of my hands.  I have to turn it over to God.” 

Sometimes things are just too big to go at it alone.  It’s just best to give it to God and let him handle it.  His judgment in the situation is better than anything you can ever think up in your own mind.  All you know is that whatever he decides is what is best for everyone, even if the answer is silence between you and the other person, so that you can have peace within your own lives.

It was only after I had done all of these things that my brother told me that our mother felt really bad for what she had done to me.  She had told him that she had dreams that I was trying to kill her by stabbing her to death with a knife.

I said, “Yep.  That’s exactly what I fantasize about every single time I think of her.” 

It was realizing that my anger and hatred towards my mother was really radiating 1000s of miles away that I had to put my thoughts into check.  My mother saw exactly what I was feeling.

Perhaps that was God’s way of showing her how wrong her actions were against me, and how it had changed me.  It made her feel remorse afterwards.  She can’t change the past.  She can only accept the present, which is living a life without the daughter she loved.  Those are the end results of what happens when you receive the award for inflicting the worst pain ever on another human being that did not ‘ask for it.’

At least I know what God’s decision was in handling the situation.  He showed her why there was silence.  He showed her the emotions I felt inside.  He told her why I felt that way.  In the end, she realized that she was not the one that was the victim.  She had done those things to me.

A friend of mine said that my reaction was a lot like Christ.  When Christ was betrayed, imprisoned based on lies others had told and was thrown up on a cross and left to die…not once did he defend himself.  He remained quiet and left his words for God. 

By leaving things in God’s hands, he helped me to have closure.  He made her understand what she had done to me…and I think in the end, that’s all we want the victimizer to understand.

When you focus on the purity of happiness and love, it’s amazing how much of the good stuff can fill your heart, soul and mind.  It doesn’t leave too much room for the bad stuff.  The bad stuff ends up coming out of you…you see it, deal with it, heal from it, and move on…just like I was able to do with so much of the unhappiness I faced head on this year.

It’s like in homeopathy…when you first start homeopathic medicine, all of the toxins and bad stuff in your body surfaces and pours out of you any which way it can.  In order for the body to heal, when you put the good stuff in…the bad stuff seeps out.  After all of the bad stuff leaves, it is only then that you can start the healing process.

With the happiness experiment this year, I have learned that by filling my mind, soul and body with only the good, the unhappiness leaves.  All of that unhappiness I carried around with me, buried in each layer of fat, is being released.  The fat is melting away.  The body is reshaping itself…and it’s all for the better.

When I talk to people about this year’s project, I’m amazed to hear people say, “You’ve got to be on to something…”

When I talk about these things at the Meditation Center, it all rings true in many of their mantras.  True love and true happiness are the keys to success in ways that you can’t even imagine.

I have benefitted from it in so many ways.  It’s helped me with all of the hurtful imprints on my soul.  It has helped my wealth to grow.  It has helped my career grow, and offered me opportunities and experiences that seem to be a dream…but it’s my reality.  It has taught me how amazing life can be when we put our minds to it.   

To summarize what I learned last night…”In true love there is no sorrow”…it has helped me to understand what my focus should be when I approach my next relationship.  What I bring into the relationship is a direct mirror image of myself.  If I want love and happiness in the purest of forms, I have to be that.

10 pounds down, another 60 to go. 

The ironic thing about this year is that I’m doing things different than I did last year…and it’s working.  It can be tiresome to be at a plateau for a year and nothing works. 

Losing weight is never easy.  Everyone has their own issues with ‘how’ they gained weight…and how they’re taking it off. 

For me, I got the Lap-Band…it doesn’t work for me.  Why?  Because I fall into a different category…I’m one of five cases.  The other four had the band removed because it didn’t work for them either.  We fall into the category of people that gain weight as a ‘survival’ method.  We bulk on the layers as a means of protection against anyone that could possibly harm us…again.

It’s a self-defense mechanism.  We don’t eat much, but the body holds onto every single calorie ingested and builds fat around the body to make the wearer…unattractive at all costs. 

It’s not easy to lose that weight because it’s a ‘mental’ issue.  You have to try and switch off that self-defense mechanism. 

The only way I have been able to do that so far this year has been focusing on doing something that makes me happy every single day.

But don’t think that I’m not tackling this feat one step at a time.  I’m tackling it from all points.  From diet & exercise to meditation and just being happy has helped me drop 10+ pounds in a month.  Now, there’s a new element…spa treatments. 

Last night, I headed to Bliss Spa at the W Hotel on East 49th Street in Manhattan.  I signed up for their Carrot Sesame Wrap and their Love Handler (a treatment that uses the famous Bliss products Fat Girl Slim and the Love Handler the way they were meant to be used).

We started off with the Love Handler.  Gotta tell ya…it works.  It rejuvenates the circulation in your mid-section, moves stuff around so that you actually look better!  It stimulates the fat cells in your abdomen (and back) to start burning. 

For me, it didn’t really go into effect until after the Carrot Sesame Wrap.  I could feel it working.

While I was wrapped up in a cocoon with carrot/sesame and milk and honey drizzled all over my body, I had plenty of time to meditate.  What did I discuss this time with the Big Guy?  Well, it’s more a matter of what he said to me…

“You are beautiful.” 

There’s a lesson in those three simple words. 

As I’m lying there, completely naked, knowing what I look like naked…it’s hard to tell yourself that you’re doing something that’s good for you…that you’re doing this because you deserve it…that you’re getting this expensive beauty treatment because you need to embrace your own beauty.

Women know exactly what I’m talking about.  We are our own worst enemy.  We look at all of our flaws and how we need to change [what’s interesting is we do this to men all of the time].  If we don’t like our weight, we lose it.  If we don’t like our hairstyle, we change it.  If we don’t like the way our thighs look, we bust our ass at the gym. 

We never tell ourselves that we are beautiful.  We focus too much on what’s wrong with how we look that we never actually (or honestly) say, “I am beautiful.” 

Why?  Because we don’t believe that we are.  Society says we’re not perfect unless we’re a size negative zero, a glamazon that’s 6 feet tall, and perfect in every single way.  What they don’t tell us is that everyone in those magazines that we’re supposed to look like has been airbrushed.  Every single one of them has been airbrushed…including the Editor-in-Chief’s photo!

When I first came to NYC, I felt very self-conscious (just like most women in their 20s feel when they come to NYC for the first time).  There are models everywhere.  You share the same street corners with them, waiting for the pedestrian light to change.  You are criticized for what you’re wearing outside and around the Hearst offices. 

Running into Anna Wintour and getting the once over…scariest f’ing thing in the world.  You know she’s either thinking that you look gawd awful or she approves (which is more likely to be the former, rather than the latter). 

Then there’s Fashion Week.  There are fashion shoots in the middle of the sidewalk.  Is that a movie their filming?  Or another episode of The Sopranos? 

Looking perfect is in demand in this city.  You get hit with the magazine covers every which way you look.  In the hockey realm, just go to Madison Square Garden.  I run into 3 or 4 models every time I’m there. 

I’ve had the ones that partied with hockey players and because I ‘look’ like I know hockey players somehow…they tend to gravitate towards me like I’m 6 feet tall, and a model that parties with Alexander Ovechkin (ok…2 out of 3 were so wrong).  

Any woman in the presence of a glamazon (or what I sometimes call a ‘superfreak’ because those types of women are not the norm) can’t feel anything but self-conscious because all of us are supposed to look like them. 

If you’re not a model-type, you know exactly how it feels to be compared to them.  Imagine living in NYC and having to share this city with models (within the reach of all straight men), and constantly having to think that in order to be accepted in this town…you have to look like THAT.

If you’ve ever watched Ugly Betty from Episode 1 to the finale, you can see what NYC can do to a girl.  They took an overweight girl with no style and braces, deemed her ‘UGLY’ and turned her into a thinner, more attractive version of herself by the final season.  She changed the way she looked…and somehow was able to fit in, showing that an ugly duckling can turn into a swan.

But what the whole storyline loses sight of in that final season is why Betty changed the way she looked in order to ‘fit in.’  It was the fact that she WAS ‘Ugly Betty’ that made the series a hit.  She defied the odds by showing her inner beauty and sticking to her guns all throughout the HIT years.  The year she changed everything about herself (including losing weight) was also her final season.

The only reason why an Ugly Betty would change the way she looked on the outside is if she was unhappy with how she looked.

Women are told every single day that they have to be beautiful if they want a man, a good paying job (because women with looks make more than those who don’t have looks, and also are selected first in the job market over those without looks), and money…they have to have the right look.

You can see the toll it takes on women needing to be beautiful and to keep up with the glamazons.  It’s actually depressing. 

I know one woman that refuses to date or meet men because she thinks she needs to lose more weight before she dates.  She’ll hit the gym as much as she can, but instead of losing weight, her depression (and wine binges) makes her gain weight.  She gets farther and farther away from being with someone because she’s not happy within her own skin.

I’ve heard those excuses a lot.  I’ve said them to myself too.  It is depressing because you believe you’re not good enough.  What man would want a fat chick? 

That echoes a lot in the minds of women across America.  What man would want me if I am fat?    What’s even worse, is that most men said their #1 fear of meeting a woman they met online is finding out that she’s actually fat.  The #1 fear for women is that the guy is a serial killer.

How is that not even more depressing for women? 

Even that negative zero chick up on the runway thinks she’s fat.  Very few of those supermodels up on the runway or posing for Victoria’s Secret believe they are beautiful.  Very few…because they’re all women.

They see their own flaws.  One has cellulite…another’s lips aren’t big enough…one needs a boob lift…another thinks she’s too fat to fit into the clothes… The cycle goes on and on. 

We are our own worst enemy when we look in the mirror…or put on a pair of clothes…or just lie naked in a room covered in carrot/sesame, milk and honey…knowing there’s someone else in the room watching over you and touching your entire body. 

My spa technician and I were talking about the importance of human touch.  She told me that a lot of her clients are either overstressed, nervous (because they’re naked) or just plain angry.  The vibrations they give off, she can feel when she’s massaging the various products onto their bodies. 

Of course, I had to ask what she got from me.  Ends up she can only feel negative vibrations.  She said she didn’t get anything from me.  No anger…no nervousness…no negative energy. 

I had to think…why am I not nervous about being naked and having a complete stranger touch me all over my body?  It’s like at the hospital when a male nurse came in and said he needed to check my stitches to make sure nothing had opened up, etc.  I just lifted my gown right up and said, “Here.” 

He was a little shocked, because he said that most patients aren’t that free to lift up their gown to a member of the opposite sex like that.  My response, “You’re a nurse, right?  Why would I care about that?”  I’m more concerned that my insides hadn’t exploded out of me (I had a severe bronchial infection thanks to the surgery; each cough felt like my insides were about to burst out of me).

I’m the type of person that doesn’t care to show my nakedness to a doctor or a spa technician.  Why?  Because I don’t pay them to judge me.  Ergo, they don’t. 

It’s the ones that stand around in the ladies’ locker room (the same women that feel as self-conscious as the next woman), or try on clothes in the fitting room…or get naked in front of a man for the first time…those are the ones that make you feel that you are not good enough.

It’s not exactly those people that make you feel it.  It’s what you tell yourself when you are in their presence.

My friend, who is a size 4, refuses to change in the same fitting room as me.  Me…I don’t care…we have to see what the other person is trying on anyway.  She’s so self-conscious about the way she looks naked, that she doesn’t want me to see it. 

Seriously…I look at her and think…hello…you’re a size 4…I have more to be scared about than you do. 

She has judged how she looks and has determined what I would think of her body before she even puts the dress on. 

How many of us do that?  We judge our own bodies before the other person can?  We tell ourselves what the other person is thinking, when it’s not the case at all.

It’s like men…some guys will wear their shirt around and no pants.  Why?  Because they’re self-conscious about how their abs look…or their chests…or maybe their arms…

Frankly, most of the time, no one cares.  The only person that cares about how you look is usually only one person…YOURSELF.

That means that the only person’s opinion that really counts…is your own.

Try saying “You are beautiful” to yourself…and actually believe it.

Lying in that cocoon, I had to say it to myself a lot of times.  The point of saying it was to believe in it.  Also helps when God is saying “You are beautiful, but you don’t believe it…”  It makes you realize just how much we hurt ourselves.

That was yesterday’s lesson.  Believing that I am beautiful no matter what flaws I have…no matter what this journey has been about…I have to believe that I am beautiful if this adventure of “Losing 100 Pounds of Unhappiness” is going to work.

We make ourselves unhappy every single day by saying things to ourselves that we would probably punch a person out if they said it to us.  We assume people would say these horrible things about our bodies, when the person standing next to us in the gym locker room is just as scared as we are that the person next to us is going to notice our flaws.

We live in a society of make believe.  Supermodels, magazine ads and covers…they’re not real.  Everything is airbrushed…a mirage painted onto a photo to make a person believe that it is real.  We are not living airbrushed photos.  Why are we comparing ourselves to a photoshopped image?

Believing that we are beautiful, no matter what flaws we have, is the most important endeavor in change.  If we want to be happy in our own skin, we have to believe we are beautiful.

Ladies know all about this…remember when Loving Yourself 101 meant taking a mirror and looking at your vagina?  Don’t think Bliss Spa doesn’t hand you a mirror to look at yourself.  I’m not joking.

Any woman that walks into a spa and has the Love Handler performed (which, I might add, feels like I did about a million situps yesterday…feeling the burn today), followed by the Carrot Sesame Wrap…you start to appreciate why human touch is so important.  It’s calming and it relaxes you.  It makes you feel safe…but most of all…beautiful.

Repeating to myself that I am beautiful all throughout the Carrot Sesame treatment helped me to realize just how important saying those three words (and believing it) is in changing your life.  It’s the mental aspect.  You can’t be happy with yourself and with life if you are ridiculing yourself.  No one is ever going to be perfect.  You have to love what you’ve got.  You have to accept that this is the body you are in.  You have to believe that no matter what the end result is…you are beautiful.

Sure, there are things we’d like to change about it…but everybody thinks that.  You can either do it positively, or negatively.  You can either encourage yourself by thinking positive, or depress yourself by thinking negatively.

Sure, we all have that amazing body image of ourselves in our mind, but those images are just as fake as an airbrushed photo.  We have to work towards being healthy, being fit, and being happy with the skin we are in.  We all have our flaws and scars that will never go away.  My scars remind me of the surgeries I’ve had…the cancer I’ve faced…and the time I had malaria in Thailand.  My flaws remind me of my parents…and how I look like them more and more as I get older.  It connects me to them.

There are things that we cannot change.  But the things that we can change, with time, energy and continuous effort, we can re-shape our lives into something else.

I was watching “Dan In Real Life” over the weekend. One of the last quotes in the movie talked about the things in life you should prepare for…you should prepare to be surprised.

On Valentine’s Day, one of my best friends text messaged me a picture of her hand.  That was it. 

It was what was on her hand that surprised me.  After nine years, he had finally popped the question.  She said it was three years in the making.  I informed her, “No, it was 9 years in the making.”

I don’t think she was counting the years he was married to someone else…and then the time he was going through the divorce. 

To most of the single ladies out there that get involved with a married man, this happy ending normally doesn’t happen.  But the reason why it happened with these two…it was because you could tell from the start…they belonged together.

There are no two people that are better suited for each other than they are with each other.  The way she lights up when she says his name, you know that’s love.  It’s like there were diamonds in her eyes long before they started to think about marriage.  That’s how he made her sparkle…like a diamond.

They have that special love that you can only see in people that belong together.  It’s not a matter of finding ‘the One’ or ‘true love.’  It’s a matter of finding someone that makes you smile uncontrollably at the sound of their name.  It’s the person that makes your eyes sparkle like diamonds glittering in the sky.  It’s the person that makes you laugh all of the time. 

It takes two to light that fire…and it’s a fire that you can see in both of their eyes.

That is love.

In all of those years my friend was dating a married man, I never chastised her or told her she should stay away from him and find a ‘single’ guy.  I never did because I could see they belonged together. 

Sure, to an extent, I felt bad for the wife.  But there were too many signs in their marriage that said things were not working out.  He wasn’t even sleeping with his own wife by the time he met my friend.  Their bed had grown cold over the years. 

I never said a thing to my friend about how it was wrong to have an affair because I saw how he made her so happy. 

Before he came along, she wasn’t the type that was ‘happy.’  She was not happy when I met her.  She was definitely not a cheery individual.  She was one of those types of people that you look at and think…ummm…yeah…I’ll be going now.  Why?  Because she’ll look at you like she’s ready to rip you apart.

The only time I ever saw her happy was after this guy came into her life.  Even my brother has met the guy.  He always said he was jealous that this guy had my good friend’s heart, because if he didn’t, my brother would be chasing after her (because she’s so hot). 

Even my brother says that those two belong together. 

She wasn’t looking for love when this guy walked into her life.  He wasn’t either.  He was married with kids.  But somehow, life brought them together.  That was their surprise in life. 

They were both very unhappy with their lives.  It’s amazing how two unhappy people meet and find happiness within each other. 

He makes her smile.  He makes her laugh.  He makes her feel loved.  He makes her feel like she had found what was missing in her life…happiness.

It’s because of how amazing he has made her feel inside, I can’t thank him enough for coming into her life. 

I pray that they have an amazing life together.  These are the Valentine’s Day surprises worth writing about.  I’m so happy for them…her smile makes my soul smile.

Since the month of February is all about the focus on love & happiness, this week’s adventures have made me think about those things I love that bring me happiness.

From friends and family (on Valentine’s Day) to ME days, here are the things I’ve discovered this week.

1.  The Love of a Really Good Meal.  Over these past two years, I’ve learned to appreciate really good food.  I’ve become a bit of a foodie, which also means that I’ve been cooking up a lot of amazing recipes from Food & Wine. 

This, of course, has been a bit strange, especially in terms of the “Losing 100 Pounds of Unhappiness” venture.  When something is taken away from you, you don’t realize just how much you miss it until you’re sitting in a doctor’s office and they’re telling you that they’re getting ready to admit you into the emergency room.  Why?  Because the tests are coming back as red flags (all of them) and the reason why…because they’ve discovered you’re taking in (at a maximum) 450 calories per day and had been for a long time…meaning…your body is shutting down. 

While the answer would be to EAT MORE.  For me, it’s not that simple.  The body rejects so much food that it’s taken me 2 years to discover what it’s not going to reject.  I’ve had to learn how to eat in a different way.  What have I learned?  Eat only what you crave, and if you’re going to eat, make sure it’s organic, fresh, and not processed. Only eat what will make your tastebuds squeal with delight.

If the body is craving pizza…pizza it is.  What I’ve learned is that the body wants something that will make the tastebuds sing…like a real Italian pizza that makes you feel like you need to go all the way to Naples to have your very own margherita pizza.

If I’m going to eat pasta, I want it to come from a real Italian restaurant where the ingredients are fresh and every bite just makes your body go “Mmmmmm.”

If I’m going to be happy with food…I want it to be the type of food that makes my entire body go “Mmmmm.”  That’s my deal with my body.  If it’s going to eat…I’m going to have to do this right.

Learning to eat food has been no easy task.  It’s something I hate doing, but I have learned to do it the right way by only eating the types of food that make me feel happy.  [Now if only I could figure out how running can make me happy!]

2.  A Girl Loves to Shop.  I learned a few days ago that I received a promotion, as well as a pay raise and a fat bonus.  So what’s the first thing on my mind?  What in the hell am I going to do with all of this extra money?

If the Meditation Center has taught me anything…you share the wealth.

Since I live by the 50/30/20 principle [50% goes to MUST HAVE expenses, 30% to the wants and 20% to savings], seeing that the 30% budget has all of a sudden gone up, I’m left to wonder what I’m going to do with all of this extra spending money.

As in…what am I going to do with that 30% allotted to me to spend however I want to spend it…GUILT FREE???

After my little trip into Anastasia Brow Studio at Sephora (the best place in NYC to get your brows done…expensive, but they do it right…they’re experts), I went into Saks Fifth Avenue.

In the past, I always felt insecure about going in there.  You can never find anything for under $100.  Their clothes are for those size 00 models.  Good luck finding anything nice if you’re bigger than a size 12.

Knowing what the new GUILT FREE budget was like, I decided to start buying investment pieces for my wardrobe.  I have all of the basics (x4) in my wardrobe already, but I have only a few investment pieces…those classic, designer pieces that will last a lifetime.  So I decided to take a look around and see what I could add to my collection.

I bought a bottle of Hermes eau de toilette and they handed me a teal bag, because apparently the beauty event included free tote bags.  🙂  My kind of event!

Next stop were the handbags…more specifically…Valentino.  I wanted to see the new straw/lace bag (retails at $1395) that Jennifer Love Hewitt has been spotted carrying around.  It looked nice on her, but my concern was if I invested that much money into this bag, would the straw part unravel?  If so, it wouldn’t be worth my money.  The salesman at Saks said they would repair it for the first year for free, afterwards, I’d have to pay for any repair to the Valentino bag.

I said, “I have to think about it.”

Why?  Because this is a major investment.

I walked around all of the floors looking at the various spring collections to find some sort of inspiration.  I was on the fourth floor when I noticed an elegant dress by Josie Natori.  I picked up the dress and thought…no, it can’t be. 

I asked the saleslady if I could try it on.  She led me into the fitting room.  I tried it on and just stood there in shock.  This dress fit me perfectly.  I probably needed to go down a size, but it looked amazing.

The saleslady came back to check on me and I told her I needed to think about it (it was $495).  I told her I was just in shock that the dress fit me so well. 

That was when she gave me an education on Josie Natori clothing. 

Josie apparently has women in a variety of sizes in her office.  All of her designs are meant to fit women from the smallest size to the biggest size in her office.  Josie is a tiny woman, but she understands that all women want to feel beautiful, so all of her designs are made to fit all women.

Knowing that, and the fact that the specialist is now my personal shopper that will let me know anytime a new Natori item is available (including Natori sales), I am sold.  Natori will be my new investment go to as I upgrade my wardrobe.

You see, you can have all of the Gap and Ann Taylor in your closet…but those are just the basics.  You can stock up and wear that stuff forever.  But a true fashionista…she has her investment pieces too.

What is also nice about the dress…it will be perfect for the Sahara desert.

I headed up to the 5th floor after that and discovered RED VALENTINO.  I didn’t know there were Red Valentino handbags.  I saw the pricetag and said, “Do my eyes deceive me?” 

Now, it’s a matter of picking the right bag.  Red Valentino retails between $295-$650.  That’s about 60-75% cheaper than the Valentino bags on the first floor!

While I was looking at the Red Valentino bags, a salesman came over to assist me.  Gotta love the staff at Saks…he tried on all of the different purses to help me decide which one to get! LOL.  His Latin accent, carrying around these purses over his shoulder…so funny. 

I just have to decide which Red Valentino bag I’m going to buy.  It’s a cross between the classic Valentino bow or the ruffles/sequins.  Classic versus GIRL POWER!  Who knows, with the lower cost of both bags, I may end up getting them both.

By the time I saw the spring shoes, I decided, my pleasure senses were in overdrive because of all of the eye candy.  That was a sign to call it quits for my adventure that day.

As I was walking towards the escalators, I realized…Saks is where I belong now.  As in, wow…I can afford this place with my GUILT FREE money.  I can build a whole new wardrobe one piece at a time.

As I was heading out of Saks, I noticed a line of parfum I’d seen recently in a magazine.  I stopped to try their scents out…and I ended up walking away with another bottle of parfum (for over $100) and another tote bag.  The salesman was so kind, he said he’d give me samples of any of the other fragrances I liked.  So I told him to hook me up with the Gardenia scent…he gave me 3 samples!  I love Saks…

When I got home and started putting my new purchases away, I opened up the teal tote bag and discovered a bag filled with SAMPLES.  I about fainted…

I quickly opened up the other bag to find even more samples!  I was even more excited because I wasn’t expecting this.  I was just thinking…cool…I have two more handbags I can use that are the perfect size for me.  Little did I know there were some freebies inside.

All of the perfume I didn’t buy, but was considering buying…I have 2 samples of each…Jimmy Choo, Cartier, and Chloe.

I went through all of the samples (with the dear cat watching to see what was going on) and separated out what I knew I absolutely could not use and took them in for my co-workers to keep.

The day before, I gave a co-worker a dress I forgot to return.  Brand new, tags still on it. 

This is what I mean by sharing the wealth.  When you buy something for yourself, make sure you can share some of that wealth with your friends and family.  Amazing how some free samples from Saks could lighten up everyone’s day.

 I’m going to explain why this adventure to Saks made me so happy.  First, I love clothes.  I love the designer clothing as much as the next New York girl.  We’ve spent the last ten years watching Sex and The City thinking…I want to wear what they’re wearing. 

The moment you realize that you can finally afford those things, it’s like a coming of age for any New York fashionista.  We know that we can still shop at the Gap, but we can also buy a piece of art to grace our bodies.

In my twenties, I always went into these stores just flabbergasted at the price tags.  I could only walk by and think…this is so out of my reach.  But now, I can pick that dress up and say, “Can I try this on?”  Next thing you know, I have a new personal shopper.

I don’t buy on credit.  This is my guilt free money that I earned.

I turn 35 this year.  That’s about the age that the famous New Yorker four started buying their investment pieces.  It is like a coming of age for any fashionista.  That’s what made this journey so special.

3.  The Love of a Signature Piece.  I love handbags.  I don’t kid when I say that.  I have to restrain myself because in one shopping trip I could walk away with 2-9 handbags (case in point, last night at Saks…they gave me 2 for free, prevented me from buying 1). 

My collection is growing steadily from one designer to the next.  From Valentino to Kate Spade to new designers to the no names…I’ve got them…and I love them.  Handbags are less torturous than shoes.  Shoes are beautiful too, but I like being able to feel my feet after ten steps. 

Due to my overgrowing collection, I have to switch bags every two weeks.  Today’s bag happens to be last night’s free Saks tote bag equipped with a Tiffany & Co. classic blue scarf.  Trust me, the scarf is worth more than the bag.  😉

But what I love about this bag…it’s teal, it’s big, and it’s easy to carry…not to mention it was FREE.

I’ve become a fan of various blogs like “The Looks For Less” and “Your Next Handbag.”  What I love about both sites is that they feature the designer handbag, and then they’ll show you how to get the similar look from a different designer (or site). 

I’ve been carrying around a black bag these last two weeks.  One of my bosses saw it and exclaimed she had to get one.  I told her that I saw the exact bag on Looks For Less and it directed me to a site called HandbagHeaven.com.  For less than $50, that bag was mine.  Vanessa Hudgens had been toting around a similar bag.

Ends up, the design is the same as the FENDI bag.  Of course, I discovered that two weeks later.  But I liked the style…I could care less if it were a Fendi or not.

That Valentino bag with straw and lace, BCBGeneration came out with a similar bag (but cuter) for $108 (versus the $1395 for Valentino).  YourNextHandbag.com featured that bag…and guess what?  Good luck finding it anywhere.  I just grabbed the last one off of Zappos.com. 

I’ll also be picking up the Big Buddha version for $89 because it’s more reminiscent of what I loved about the 2010 Fall collection from Louis Vuitton (can’t find the lace bag anywhere…not even at Louis Vuitton). 

Between Handbag Heaven and MurvalParis.com I’m set on the various no name handbags.  Modnique.com, Ideeli.com, Gilt.com and BeyondTheRack.com are also great to pick up new designers as well as the big designers at the sample sale cost.

Every person needs a signature style…that piece that everyone compliments you on.  For me, it’s jewelry, handbags and scarves.  It’s the accessories you can play with that will go with just about anything. 

For Carrie Bradshaw, her signature look was all about the Manolo Blahnik shoes.  I may have adopted Natori, but it’s only a matter of time before we see if she becomes my new signature look.  Until then, the accessories have it.

4.  The Love of Fashion.  This being Fashion Week in NYC, most fashionistas are looking to see what they’ll be wearing in the fall.  Right now, the Spring Collection is starting to make its way into stores.

The fun thing about fashion is that you can create your own signature style.  You can mix and match pieces that you’ve acquired to create a new look…your look. 

I can’t stand watching a group of women together dressed exactly alike.  You can tell they’re under 30 years old and have no concept of what it means to wear clothing.  They’re just following the trends.  They wear what their friends are wearing.  So instead of 5 unique individuals, you have one HUGE woman…as in, all 5 meld into one person because they all look alike…all the way down to the hair and nails.

There’s no individuality to separate one woman from the next. 

To me, there is nothing more embarrassing than seeing another woman wearing the same thing as you…at the same time.  So ladies, don’t let the trends define what you are wearing.  Define what you are wearing by adding what you like about the latest trends and then making it your own.  Let your personality shine in the clothes you are wearing.

Here’s a hint for budding fashionistas…buy quality clothing, not the cheap stuff.  If it feels cheap, has poor craftsmanship, it’s not worth your money.  It’s like throwing it away in the trash can.  It’s a guarantee you can buy the exact thing for the same price (maybe even cheaper) at a department store like Lord & Taylor. 

Forever 21 and H&M are cheaply done.  I went in there once and walked out thinking…what a waste.  Looks pretty, but poorly and cheaply made. 

If you want qualitative, walk into stores like Gap, Banana Republic, New York and Company, and Ann Taylor Loft. Even Target is better quality!  They have great sales (in the stores, not online…they charge more online).  The Natori specialist told me that if it wasn’t for the Gap providing all of her BASICS, she didn’t know what she would do.

Every fashion magazine preaches…go to the Gap, etc. for the basics (tank tops, tees, jeans, pants, and the other latest trends).  Those types of stores are the places where you stock up on the basics.

When you’ve mastered a wardrobe with the basics (which took me 5 years to do in NYC), start incorporating investment pieces into your wardrobe.  Make sure they make a statement…ABOUT YOU.  If you don’t feel beautiful in it every single time you put it on, then it’s not for you.  Buy what you’re going to feel happy in.

The last perfume salesman told me last night…he wasn’t going to sell the product to me unless the scent made me happy.  It was a bottle of $135 perfume.  He reminded me that if you’re investing in something like a scent you’re going to wear…it needs to make you happy every single time you put it on.

Pacifica’s Brazilian Mango Grapefruit perfume makes me happy every single time I put it on…and it’s only $22 a bottle.  I love it so much, I spray it all over the house.  I do the same for L’Occitane’s Green Tea ($46). 

You invest in those products that are going to make you happy each and every time you wear it.  [Word of caution with scents…don’t bulk buy perfume.  Your mood changes, as does the type of perfume you wear.  I bulked up on Coco Chanel over 12 years ago, because it was my scent of the moment.  Big mistake to bulk up.  I haven’t worn it in a decade.]

  5.  It’s a Beautiful Day.  Something you can get for free…go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather when it strikes your hometown.  Today, it’s 65 degrees out.  After storm after crazy snowstorm, the weather has finally started to feel springy.  Go out and enjoy it…even if it is just walking around the block…enjoy the first warm days of 2011.

6.  I <3 My Neighborhood.  I live in the perfect neighborhood.  5 star restaurants line the street.  Cute boutique shops housing so much stuff that you look around trying to make a decision on just ONE item…because everything is just so wonderful!

There’s the movie theater across the street…$5.  A library around the corner where you can check out books, music and DVDs for FREE.  You can even use the internet there (if you don’t have it at home). 

There’s that pizza place I love to order pizza from.  I’ll walk right by the competitor half a block down and show the owner, while he’s outside, that I bought MY pizza from the shop down the street.  It burns him up every single time.  That’s what he gets for refusing to let me buy a pie at his shop a few years ago.  I almost called him a racist bastard when he did it. 

The train/bus to the city and to Newark (for NJD games) are all within walking distance.

The neighborhood is literally crime free.  Police response time is less than 30 seconds. 

This is the kind of neighborhood that you can’t help but fall in love with.  It’s costly to buy a house there, but that’s because you’re buying into what the neighborhood has to offer.

Living in a neighborhood that caters to everything you could possibly need [and if they don’t have it, it’s within ordering distance], makes you love your home even more.  There’s that peaceful tranquility that goes with living in an area that you love, because you can simply say to yourself that you are home.

You should always live in a place that makes you happy.

There is something you are taught in Raj Yoga…the importance of detachment and not seeking any form of attachment to anything in this universe. That includes detachment from other human beings.

It’s a concept that is probably the most difficult for parents when it comes to their children, but in the long run, you see the benefits. I’m not talking about loving your children any less…I’m talking about detaching your need for them and learning to love them where you don’t need them (as a possession) in order to love them.

This falls under the category that my friend would call…Michelle’s on a higher plane and I’m clueless as to what she’s talking about. He usually figures it out about 3-6 months later (mind you, he’s 20 years older than me, but spiritually, he considers me wiser than anyone he’s ever met in his life).

This is not about hockey, so you can skip this post if you’re not interested. This post is actually meant to explain ‘who I am’ a little better to those who haven’t gotten a clue yet.

I try to take a step back and let fate take it’s course in life. Yes, I notice when someone has gone out of their way to cock block someone from coming into my picture…especially when I am told what happened and what was said that caused said person that was being cock blocked to walk away.

But I start to see a trend here. I start to see what fate is doing when I take a step back and look at the entire situation.

Fate has put a lot of blockers on. At one spectrum, I’m being stopped from moving forward with someone else. On the other spectrum, I see blockers being placed up around me saying to him…DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO GO NEAR HER! If you do, you’ll regret it.

I’ve watched it happen more times than I can count, yet he still plays cock block when others try to come near me.

So where does Michelle stand in all of this?

Looking around me seeing love being blocked all around me, and I’m not the one putting up the blockers. Fate is doing that.

I’ve had to think about the Rock Star and maybe going back to him. Maybe that was why all the blockers have been falling into place. But that wasn’t it. Fate said it was the past…leave it alone.

Then there’s this guy that cock blocks anyone that attempts to come near me. Yet, he’s blocked from coming near me from every single avenue. That was the universe saying…DON’T.

I’ve had people who knew of the situation advising me to turn away from him. ‘Don’t encourage him,’ they all said. ALL OF THEM.

So I’ve listened to every side and there’s only one constant. Michelle remains alone.

Making that as a choice was something I made back on January 1. It’s taken me three months to make sure I was certain with this decision, but I am pretty certain with it now.

You see, part of my journey in “Losing 100 Pounds of Unhappiness” is discovering the things that make me unhappy. The more I go through life I realize how much men really piss me the fuck off…I’m talking about the ones that are vying for my affection. Once they get it, they misuse it. Every single one of them.

The second I fall in love, I see everything crumble within seconds.

Sure, I ask myself everyday if I made the right decision in leaving the Rock Star, knowing he moved to Los Angeles in hopes that I would stop being mad at him and show up there. I never stopped being mad at him for misusing the love he demanded from me. My little Dorian Grey.

You see, I believe I deserve something better. That, in the end, makes me think that the more I go through life, the whole ‘detachment’ card is the most important card to carry. The second you get attached to someone in love, the sooner they will twist that love and hurt you…basically breaking your heart.

I’m not saying that happens to everybody. I’m saying that happens to me.

Granted, my friends tell me not to give up on love, but I look at them and say…No. It’s not for me. It’s for you guys.

There is always the hope to love someone romantically, but as I’ve always said, I don’t believe in hopes. They’re not real. The only thing that is real is belief.

The constant has always been me. I have always said that no one (besides God) will love me more than I love myself. It’s proven true in every aspect of my life. The love of a parent is not the kind of love I’ve sought in life. They always disappointed me. The love from someone else…always a disappointment because it’s not what you need and it’s never what you wanted or hoped for.

The only love that you can count on and appreciate is the love you have for yourself.

I’m not talking about the kind of love that’s egotistical. It’s the kind of love that makes people look at you differently and think, “I want to be just like her.” It’s a different kind of love that you radiate.

In the line of raj yoga, you incorporate that love for one’s self with that of God’s love…and you let that love radiate through you so that others may see and feel God’s love. In essence, it’s all one in the same when the effort to love from yourself is from the original source (God).

So what I’m saying is…boys, give it up. I’ve made my decision and I’m not changing it. You had your chance to sway me in this matter, and you failed. The only constant has been the blockers in loving someone else. It was never meant to be. Let it go like I have.

When you realize that we don’t have all of the time in the world, you begin to look at life a little differently. We only have a set amount of time to do what we set out to do. Tomorrow is never promised…only this very moment.

You see, I have had to contemplate on the desires I have in my life. Desires are only what they are…just desires. Sometimes desires can become too attached in what society or other people expect from us.

There are others that are called upon to be greater people. They are the muses in humanity. They are the ones that are set to inspire people to be better than who they are…even if it’s reading this blog post or being in that person’s presence. These are the people that have a higher calling in life that is often misinterpreted.

If I could roll the film to show you my life, you’d be amazed at how much I have accomplished in such a short amount of time. I lived every single dream. I stopped wasting time when I realized how little time I had left. Sometimes you just know.

I don’t look at life as time being infinite. I look at life as a clock ticking downward…where time will be at 0:00:00 and thus no time remains. When it hits that time, I want to be able to say, I did what I came here to do. I am done.

In essence, that is how we should all view life.

If you love someone, tell them. Live a life with no regrets, because tomorrow may come and that person you loved will no longer be around.

Dante’s “Divine Comedy” is all about that. What hell he went through because he never told the woman he loved that he loved her. She died…and yet inspired Dante’s finest work, yet described his living hell for all eternity.

The more I go through life, the more I realize that I made my choice 10 years ago. Not just on January 1, 2010. I made this choice 10 years ago. I had hoped that somewhere, the universe would change my mind. It never did…it only re-emphasized why I made the decision 10 years ago.

I am happy right where I am standing. That’s all that matters.

“The Most Living Moment” by Rumi

The most living moment comes
when those who love each other meet each other
and in what flows between them then.

To see your face in a crowd of others,
or alone on a frightening street, I weep for that.
Our tears improve the earth.

The time you scolded me,
your gratitude, your laughing,
always your qualities increase the soul.

Seeing you is a wine that does not muddle or numb.

We sit inside the cypress shadow
where amazement and clear thought
twine their slow growth into us.