Turning Your Negative Thoughts Into Positive Thoughts

14 April 2016

How to Turn Your Negative Thoughts Into Positive Thoughts

Every week, I attend meditation classes. Not just to meditate, but to listen and learn how I can become a better human being.

My focus at this stage in my life is on cleaning out the soul of all of the things it does not need like negative thoughts, pain, hurt, judgment, etc. It takes a lot of practice and concentration to go through each item that is causing my soul torment…the things I need to get rid of before I die.

One of my biggest challenges right now is to stop thinking negative thoughts all of the time. I oftentimes find myself drowning in negative thoughts, especially when I’m walking around outside Manhattan. Between the crazies you meet every single day and the tourists that get in the way and walk super slow (or take over the entire sidewalk and don’t move at all while you’re trying to get to work), you start to immediately think like a New Yorker would and that’s not always a positive thing.

The number of obscenities that run through my mind every single day on the commute to the office…I’d be a rich woman if I put a quarter in a jar for every bad thought I had during the commute to the office.

Then there are those negative things you tell yourself in the morning when you scrutinize how you look or live, or the things you see on social media or television, or the things that happen inside your home before you’ve even left the house. The negative thoughts just keep on flowing from the moment you wake up and continue well into your dreams.

We are conditioned to think negatively all of the time. We’ve let the negative thought processes take over so much that to think positively becomes so alien to us. It becomes a concerted effort to think positive at all times.

A couple of weeks ago, I heard a story of a nun that at a young age was sheltered from the world. She was kept away from people that were negative or gossiped. She was kept away from the world like Siddhartha (Buddha) was kept away from the world. As a result of being kept from the world, she never had a negative thought. She always had positive thoughts, because she was shielded from all of the negative things in the world.

Imagine having an intellect that was powerful enough to extinguish the negative from ever entering your mind. That was what this young girl was practicing from the time she was six years old. She’s an old woman now and still lives in this world separate from all of the negative things that happen. Her only focus is to remain at peace and to be positive. It is her positive mind that inspires and helps everyone she encounters.

I aspire to be like her…to have a mind so powerful that when a negative thought attempts to enter my mind, it will be extinguished by the fire of positivity. I aspire to have a mind that is conditioned to think positive thoughts first and when the negative thoughts attempt to enter, it will be so alien to my mind that it can’t break through that barrier and take over.

For those who read books like “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne and other books focusing on the benefits of positive thinking, you know what great rewards can come to you when you are positive all of the time. Simply put, the thoughts you put out there are the exact experiences you get back. If you think positive all of the time, only good things will happen to you. If you think negative, only bad things will happen to you. It is the way the universe works and has always worked.

The thought process is basically – YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK. Your entire life and the good things you want out of life can be had…if you put your mind to it.

Changing your mindset from negative to positive is easier said than done. It takes a lot of practice. The first step in changing your mindset is devoting yourself to a practice of daily meditation. The best time to start is when you first wake up in the morning. Take a moment to not press the snooze button and just sit up, focus on your soul, and think positive thoughts. Sit like this for a few minutes, in complete silence, then open your eyes and begin your day.

With each thought you have over the course of the day, focus on the quality of the thought. Is it a negative thought or a positive thought? If it is a negative thought, stop yourself. Don’t let the thought continue. CHOOSE to accept that what you were thinking was negative and you will no longer entertain that thought. Switch your mind to focusing on a positive thought.

Ask yourself this: How can I change how I think and feel about that negative situation I was just thinking about so that I can feel positive about it so I will never think that way again?

You’ll find that the more and more you recognize the negative and decide to stop it in its tracks, you’ll find that you are beginning to reshape your mind, teaching your mind a new truth.

This is something you have to practice over and over and over again until your mind’s natural condition is to think positive thoughts at all times, never letting the negative disrupt your thoughts. Let the good thoughts be the first thoughts you grab from now on like it is sweet nectar from the tree of knowledge.

Beyond having a better, more peaceful mind, you’ll find that when you are a positive person, great and amazing things happen to you all of the time. Whatever you truly want is yours, because the thoughts you create from this positive perspective will help you achieve all of the dreams you have for yourself. Your mind will also reshape itself to only want the good dreams, not the ones that will ultimately hurt you or others. You will, in essence, learn to choose wisely because your choices are coming from a good place.

When negative things happen, you don’t let it bother you or shape you. You’ll know how to deal with the situation more intelligently, because you’ll have a strong, positive mind.

Daily meditation is the key to obtaining this strength. Thinking positive is a strength because of how hard you have to work at making this a part of your life. To think negatively all of the time is a sign of being weak.

For those looking to learn how to meditate, I strongly recommend learning from the Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual Organization. They have Meditation Centers all over the world. You can even learn how to meditate on their website. People from all religious backgrounds who want a deeper understanding and connection to their soul and God can find out how to create a better connection by learning meditation through raj yoga (yoga for the mind). I’ve met Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Buddhists, etc. at the Meditation Center over these last 8 years. Learning raj yoga has helped them have a much deeper, spiritual connection with God and has helped them understand their religion much better than before. It helps them create peace within themselves no matter what is happening in their lives or around them.

Simply put, the Brahma Kumaris help people find peace within themselves so that they can become a better human being for this world.

It is absolutely free to take meditation classes with them.

When I was introduced to them 8 years ago, I was searching for God. I couldn’t find him in man’s religion. When I sat through the free meditation classes, I realized that I was right. God was not in religion. He was always right there with me. I was always searching for something that I already had. I just needed someone to confirm what I already knew was true. The Brahma Kumaris were the first to say, “You were right all along.” They were the answer I was looking for all these years, and I grew up a Christian. I find that every time I attend classes, I always learn something new that helps me with whatever is happening in my life at that moment.

I soak up stories of great people and how through the practice of meditation, they are helping change the world for the better. Meditation is what empowers the minds to become strong and to focus on doing great things for the world to help people in the most amazing ways. You may go into meditation thinking that you are doing something great for yourself, but you’ll soon learn that doing something great for yourself also means sharing that joy you’ve found within yourself with the world. That’s what positive thinking people do…they want to share the benefits of everything good in the universe with everyone around them. Because if everyone thought positive all of the time, this world would be a much better place.

How to Declutter Your Life Part One

10 January 2016

As part of a new series this year, I wanted to share with you how I am decluttering my life. This is a five month series. For those who want to take the steps to begin decluttering your life, count on this being a six month life plan to commit to this year. You’ll need the extra month to truly put this plan into effect.

ESSENTIAL MATERIALS: Make sure to pick up a copy of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. This is one of the most important books in understanding the points we’ll be covering over these next five months. Also make sure to have a journal to record your progress.

Step 1. Tackle Your Wardrobe

One of my resolutions is to be more of a minimalist. To have fewer, but better things. I started to embrace this change back in November. So where does one begin?

I decided I needed a change after realizing that the reason why I was not able to do the things I wanted to do was because I found myself so overwhelmed at home doing project after project, cleaning one room after the other with no end in sight, that I was spending most of my time cleaning rather than doing the things I wanted to do. I made excuses on why I couldn’t do X, Y and Z because I just felt so overwhelmed. I was drowning and I needed to find a way out of it.

I had heard about the Japanese art of decluttering. There were numerous bloggers posting up how they had not only minimized their closets, but were able to find a new way to organize their things. The decluttering bible they were using as their guidebook was The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.

My closet was overflowing. Clothes were piled up sky high on the dresser. I was running out of space to put my clothes, so I ordered a new wardrobe unit, thinking that would get a handle on things. I ordered storage boxes, thinking I could get some sort of handle on the off-season clothing.

No matter what I did, I couldn’t get a handle on my wardrobe.

I ordered Marie Kondo’s book and absorbed it within a couple of days. I set forth and started to put her methods to work.

So it begins…

As you read through the book, make sure you have a journal.

Ask yourself how you envision your perfect home. Is it light and airy? Is it calm and peaceful? Feminine? Modern? Clutter-free? Everything in its place?
When you answer this question, make sure you are very descriptive with your vision.

Now that you have an ideal of what you ultimately want, let’s start decluttering by going through your wardrobe. Have trash bags and boxes handy. For the items you are tossing, you’re going to need three categories: TRASH, TO DONATE, and TO SELL.

Marie Kondo suggests that you go through each item by category. Tops are all in one pile. Pants in another pile. Coats in another pile. And so on.
After you have separated each item into their respective categories, go through each pile by touching each item, looking at each item and deciding if this item brings you joy. If not, throw it into either one of the three toss piles. It’s easy to decipher if an item brings you joy or not. If it does not bring you joy, it goes. If it doesn’t fit well, it goes. If it’s too tight, toss it. If it’s too big, toss it. If it’s got a hole in it or it’s pilling, toss it. If you don’t feel good wearing it, toss it. Only keep the items that make you feel confident in yourself when you wear it.
When you toss, items like underwear, seriously damaged clothing, etc. should be thrown in the trash. Items that someone can use again, but are not re-sellable, should go in the donate pile. For those that you can resell, place in the sell pile.

These are the basic rules to decluttering your wardrobe.

Does it bring you joy? Keep only the things that fit well. Keep only the things that make you feel amazing. Get rid of the stuff that doesn’t make you feel great when you wear it. Underwear that rides up, make sure you toss it. Do not downgrade items to your ‘lazy days’ pile. Nothing should be downgraded to keep.

I have been guilty of downgrading clothing to the lazy days pile. Those drawers couldn’t hold all of the downgraded tshirts, tank tops and pants anymore. One thing Marie Kondo said in her book that really stuck with me is that in our well-groomed dream homes, we should also be well-groomed to show respect to ourselves. We shouldn’t downgrade ourselves to wearing tossed clothing that wasn’t good enough to wear out. We should upgrade our lounge wear so that we still look amazing when we answer the surprise knock at the door.

That doesn’t mean sacrificing your comfort. There’s plenty of lounge wear out there that will not only look amazing on you, but you will feel completely comfortable in.

Since going through your entire wardrobe might be a little daunting at first, give yourself a week to go through each category of your wardrobe. Start with the off-season clothing first. That, in itself, can be a category.

If you are short on time, and you separate your clothing by drawers already, make it a point to go through one drawer at a time. I started off by going through my main closet first, then each night after that for a month, I went through each drawer, box, cabinet, etc. by category.

I ended up donating five large bags of clothing, two large bags went into the trash. Another 3 boxes were for resale.

If you are like most fashionistas, you may have a certain type of collection, whether they be purses, shoes, belts, sunglasses, etc. Leave going through your collection for the last category to declutter in your wardrobe. You want to start with items that you are not 100% attached to.

For me, I have a purse collection. I have 2 large bookshelves, along with another two three cubby cases filled with handbags. I saved this collection for the very last when I decluttered my wardrobe for one simple reason…it’s difficult to part with a collection you take pride in.

I went through every single bag and tried to decide whether they gave me joy or not. By the time I was done, I had pared my collection down to 75 hand bags. This may seem like a lot, but to me, it isn’t. This is a collection, after all. Kondo says that you need to keep paring down until you get to that point where you feel like what you have is exactly the amount you feel happy with. After all, the whole point in the Japanese art of decluttering is to surround yourself with the things that bring you joy. Handbags bring me joy. 75 bags were the right amount. 76 bags was too much. 75 is the right fit for me.

I ended up donating two garbage bags worth of handbags. I ended up having one trash bag of handbags that I could resell.

By the time I was done, I was happy with the amount I kept and with the ones I decided to keep. I did buy two new handbags after I decluttered. I asked myself what was missing from this collection. I was missing Chanel from the collection, so I ordered two new Chanel handbags (one for the evening, one for the day) to complete the collection. I have a few bags designed like the Celine Luggage bags. I decided that this year, I would make it a goal tied in with my resolution to read 52+ books this year, the reward would be a Celine Luggage bag. I wanted to make it a goal instead of just going out and buying it. I wanted to earn that bag this year, because I’m trying to rid myself of a bad habit of buying what I want when I want it. That mentality is what got me buried underneath so much stuff I was drowning in it. This was my first step in creating change.

After I complete my goal, I’ll buy the bag and then part with all the other bags that are similar to the Luggage. It will be an upgrade of a design I love, so there’s no reason to keep the downgraded versions. It will also help keep me under that 75 bag maximum.

The reason why I mention how I’m adding to the colleciton is because in the art of decluttering and using Marie Kondo’s method called “KonMari” (a play on her name), you are trying to minimize everything. You’re not trying to declutter and then go back to those bad habits again. I know that in the past when I decluttered my wardrobe, I’d end up looking at it and going, “Oh, I’m missing X.” So I’d go out and buy three times more stuff than what I just got rid of. It’s a dangerous cycle. KonMari has been the only thing I’ve come across that doesn’t just declutter but it stops you from falling back into those traps again.

When I decluttered my wardrobe there are a few things that happened that I didn’t expect. I had pared everything down to only those items that were perfect. They fit perfectly, looked great, and made me feel amazing when I wore them. I thought…ok, this is great. I decluttered.

What I didn’t expect is that I would finally discover my wardrobe. I now know everything that is in it. I can now play around with so many different looks based on what I kept. I actually have fun with everything knowing that no matter what I pull out of my closet, it fits perfectly. I don’t have to wear a tunic with these pants because they are too tight in the leg. I don’t have to wear a long shirt because the pants made my middle look funny. I don’t have to fix or hide the blemish in the outfit I was wearing because there were no blemishes. Every single item was perfect…and it looked perfect on me.

I found my style after sifting through so many articles of clothing. I discovered that I prefer wide leg trousers to regular trousers. I realized that I preferred to keep blouses instead of just random tops. I ended up curating a wardrobe from all of the mismatches mixed in with the rest of the wardrobe. I found my own true style.

I have a lot of things that I do that require different types of garments. From red carpet premieres to hockey games to hockey practice to the office to the opera. I need something different for each event I go to. Because of that, I know I need a wardrobe from casual wear to formal wear and everything in between. I was able to cut my wardrobe down to those items that fit perfectly every time, no matter what I had to attend. I can now find exactly what I’m looking for instead of freaking out when I have a red carpet event and need to find the perfect outfit. I own every single item I could possibly need for any life event that comes up. That’s what I was able to create…a curated wardrobe for my life and everything that happens in it.

It took Marie Kondo’s book to help me find my own style by getting rid of all the wrong things and keeping only the right things. I am not buried under my closet anymore. Everything is in its place.

I have to say that it is fun knowing what you have and trying to invent so many different looks based on the items you keep. This is the kind of wardrobe that should last a very long time. There’s no need to add anymore of the wrong things to it. Knowing what it is that you want out of your wardrobe also helps in deciding what to add and what not to add. You’re not going to want to go on a shopping spree anymore. Why? Because in this process you’ll learn that the less things you have, the less things you have to take care of. That’s the kind of life you want to live. You want to have fewer, but better things.

You’ll only keep the things that bring you joy. If it doesn’t fit right, that won’t bring you joy. If it doesn’t look good on you, it’s not going to bring you joy. If the handbag is a fake, it’s not going to bring you joy because you know the real thing would make you feel better. If the shoes hurt your feet, how is that bringing you joy? Resolve to only wear the shoes you love that actually feel good on your feet.

When you go to put things back in your closet/drawers:

Learn to fold. When you put things away in the drawer, everything should be standing up. There are plenty of Youtube videos that can show you how to fold.
Use all of the same kind of hangers. Upgrade and buy thin hangers all in the same color. You can get a set of 50 for $19.99 at Kohl’s all in the same color. I bought 4 boxes over the years. Since I started decluttering, I’m only using 2 boxes.
When you put things back, the longest items should go on the left, the shortest items to the right. Also, have the darkest items to lightest items going from left (dark) to right (light). This actually makes your closet look clean and neat. (i.e. PERFECT)

For those who are new to taking care of your clothes, I learned how to do things the Martha Stewart way a long time ago. It’s 15 years later and I’ve adopted a new method. I outsource. What I mean by that is that I have a local laundromat pick up, wash, fold, hang, and deliver my clothes. This costs me about $30-$40 every two weeks, but I find that it’s worthwhile for a few reasons: 1) I get 4-6 hours back in my life to do what I want on the weekends, 2) when they return the clothes, it’s already folded exactly the way they need to be folded in the KonMari fashion, 3) they actually wash the clothes better than I ever could, and 4) they actually iron a lot of my clothes.

Sure, there are those items that are dry cleaned and mended. Those go out to the dry cleaners to take care of for me.

The reason why I don’t mind outsourcing like this is because I’m not buying clothes anymore. I’d rather professionals take care to launder, clean and iron them (I hate ironing, I’d rather wear it wrinkled) so I don’t have to. It gives me back so much precious time I was wasting on taking care of my things. Now I have someone else doing it for me. All I have to do is just put the items away when they arrive.

This is a wardrobe I’ve curated and invested in. I don’t want to throw out anymore clothes just because I don’t like them or because they don’t fit. I want to take care of the items that fit perfectly. If someone can do a better job than I can in its care, I’d rather they do it for me. Outsourcing has given me back so much of my life to do the things I want to do, instead of wasting all this time trying to take care of them.

Decluttering your wardrobe is the first step in getting out from under the life that you are drowning in. It helps you not only find and keep the things that bring you joy, but it also helps you discover your own style. Do you know how much time you save each morning knowing that every single item you pull out of your closet will fit perfectly? Do you know how much time and money you save when you know what exactly is in your closet? If you know you already have the perfect white blouse, why do you need to buy another?

The KonMari method has helped me curate the PERFECT wardrobe for myself. I find that I don’t need to buy any new clothes because I have everything I need and it is perfect. If I add anything to it, I know exactly what would complement it to make it even better. Gone are the days of buying a lot of different things only to find a few things that would bring me joy (if any). Now that I know what my style is and what I love, I know exactly what to buy when I buy. I know what the right thing is to add. I don’t need 10 different things of the same item. I know exactly what I’m looking for and will only buy that item.

If it wasn’t for the KonMari method, I never would have discovered my own style. I now have a wardrobe that brings me joy. I’ve scaled it down to a place where I’m happy with what I have. I don’t feel like I’m drowning or overwhelmed. I have exactly what I need. Sure, I still go through and question if I can make the wardrobe better. If I can reduce the wardrobe even more, I will. I want to make sure this is exactly the wardrobe I want.

I have a goal of calling the donation center once a month to do a pickup of all of the items I’m getting rid of. I make sure that each week, I throw out the things I don’t need. Recyclables are thrown out weekly instead of monthly. I make sure to always declutter one spot in the house each day.

The KonMari process isn’t a one weekend thing. It takes six months to complete this project, no matter what size home you live in. Keep that journal handy, because the one thing I never expected were the emotions you go through when you declutter. I found that when I’d take a resale item to the post office or take a bag of items in to sell, I had some emotional conflict. It’s good to write down what’s going on in your journal so that you can better understand how you got to be so bogged down with so much stuff.

Writing things down in the journal will help you work through why you are cluttering up your life. Writing it down is a way to see the monster hidden within you so that you can face it, and then make the decision you’d rather be happy. Happiness isn’t in the accumulation of things. Happiness is having fewer, but better things…the things that bring you joy. Your goal is to surround yourself in the things that bring you joy. You have to work through each and every object to discover what brings you joy. Once you discover what brings you joy, you’re only going to want to keep that joy in your life.

NEXT UP…Decluttering your entertainment.

The Resolutions 2016

2 January 201616 August 2023

Resolutions.

We all make them. Some try to say they tossed their resolutions out before the ball even dropped. Then there are those who realize that they need a change. Very few stick to those resolutions just a day into the new year. Others go two to three weeks into the new year. Some see it through for the first three months and then give up. Then there are those who truly stick to their resolutions because they wanted to see it through until the end.

Over these last couple of years, I’ve tried to make resolutions, but because I was a little stuck in life, I just didn’t care about those resolutions because I wasn’t quite sure what it was about me that I wanted to change.

For those who don’t know, I was faced with my own mortality back in 2013 when I was told I had a tumor in my parathyroid gland (the gland that synthesizes calcium). The gland and the tumor had to come out. I was told to prepare for the worst. The worst was death. I found out in August 2013. On October 22, 2013, I went under the knife and woke up a very different person.

I’ve been pushing myself since then to try to get back to some sort of normalcy. But it just wouldn’t come. That normalcy is about finding out who you are now that everything in your universe has changed. This is normal for people who have had a major surgery or are faced with their own mortality (like a heart attack, an accident, cancer, etc.). Your life before that moment means nothing to you. It’s who you are after the surgery or life threatening moment that you are trying to define. Just who are you now and what do you want out of life?

Since the surgery, I’ve had friends so absorbed in their own worlds that the second they can stop and ask what is going on they are shocked to discover just how much I’ve been struggling since the surgery and what I’ve been doing to get back to being normal again. I can tell you one thing…it has not been easy.

But this year, I feel like it is time to evolve into the person I am trying to become, and in some cases, get back to.

This past year, I’ve been sharing a few of the things I’ve been doing on Instagram and Twitter. It’s a way to take a glimpse at the path I’m ultimately following. I’ve found that when you are on the right path, everything works out more magically for you than you can ever imagine. I’ve made a lot of new friends this past year and have met and spoken to a lot of incredible people this past year. When I got the invitation to Martha Stewart’s conference, I was shocked.

That was synchronicity. It was the defining moment of 2015 that helped me understand what I was going to do with my life. What direction my life was heading was all laid before me in that conference. It was like I could finally connect the dots stretching across the universe before me to create a new destiny. In other words, I finally saw the person I was to become.

When people ask me what my resolution this year is, I say it’s to work on my Type-A personality. People laugh like that’s absolutely crazy. Who wants to work on being Type-A? Well, I’ve been lingering between Type-A and B and I’m kind of sick and tired of being stuck in the middle there, gravitating between getting shit done and being too lazy to do it.

My friend said to me after Thanksgiving that she had read that the way you can tell if a person is Type-A or Type-B all falls under when they put their Christmas tree up. Type-A’s have the tree up no later than the day after Thanksgiving. Type-B’s procrastinate. They get their trees up no later than Christmas Eve. My tree was up the day after Thanksgiving. Waiting until Christmas Eve would have driven me crazy since there’s so much to do between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Now, I’m going nuts because the tree is still up and it’s January 2. No worries…it’s coming down at some point today. I only kept it up until now because Matthew Lucifer’s birthday was yesterday and he loves hiding out under the tree.

Getting back to being Type-A, it falls under being a Perfectionist Wannabe. Martha Stewart is the epitome of the Perfectionist. After all, when it comes to home stuff, don’t we ask, “What would Martha do?” One thing I learned at the conference is that we all need to be just as good as Martha, so that one day people will say, “What would ______ do?”

So this year, at the top of my list is to work on being a Type-A for one simple reason…because focusing on being that Type-A is what drives the motivation behind doing all of the things I want to do in life. I’m tired of dreaming or just trying to figure out what I want to do. Being a Type-A motivates me to stop thinking about it and just do it already. Meandering between Type-A and Type-B to me means thinking about it, thinking about doing it, and then coming up with a lot of reasons on why I can’t do it. When you do that, you find you start to suffer.

So I’m going to take you through each resolution one at a time.

FOCUS ON BEING THE TYPE-A PERSONALITY.

{Explained above.}

KON MARI (DECLUTTER) THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE IN ALL ASPECTS: HOME, MIND, BODY, FINANCES, AND LIFE.

Over the next five months, I’ll be sharing how I’m decluttering the various aspects of my life. The reason why I chose to make this a major resolution is because I found that I was buried under so much stuff that each weekend when I told myself I was going to write, I’d find myself spending the entire weekend cleaning and taking care of stuff around the house. I never got around to doing the things I wanted to do to advance my life because I was too busy taking care of the shit I already had in my life. In November, I learned about the Japanese art of decluttering and started to apply it to my life. I feel so much better now that I’ve started to create the right kind of change in my life. I’m getting rid of things so I don’t have to take care of them anymore. The less tidying I have to do, the more time I have to do the things I really want to be doing with my life.

I learned over these last couple of months that decluttering doesn’t just happen with your things, but it should also happen with the things you keep in your heart and your mind. It should happen with your finances. You have to clean house in every single aspect.

One thing I didn’t expect out of this were the emotions that come out of nowhere. They’re emotions you never knew you had. It can be pretty ugly to face, but it gets to the root of the problem with why you stockpile so many things around you…why you shop so much…why you do X, Y and Z until you are drowning in it. When you face it, it will help you move forward to living with only the things you need in order to be happy.

PRACTICE YOGA REGULARLY.

This year will mark my 40th year of life. One of the goals I’ve had for myself since I was in my early 20s was to have a yogalicious body. Well, that Type-B in me has procrastinated until now. So this is the year I want to finally make that change a permanent change.

DEVELOP CONTENT DAILY FOR PERFECTIONIST WANNABE. WORK HARD AT MAKING THE SITE SUCCESSFUL.

One thing I’ve discovered over these last few months is that the thing I wanted to do most was create more content and make this site successful. But being bogged down with so many other things (like stuff) made me realize it’s time to be that Type-A, declutter the stuff that doesn’t bring me joy, and really bust my ass to do the things I want to do for this site.

Two days in a row of posting in 2016. You can say I’m off to a good start.

I’ve been promoting my work, researching and putting things together to make sure I turn this site in the direction I want it to go into.

READ 52+ BOOKS THIS YEAR. 12 OF WHICH NEED TO BE A CLASSIC (1 CLASSIC A MONTH).

This is a resolution I make every year. These last two years, it’s fallen to the wayside. I decided to really to get things moving this year, especially since I’ve been talking to publishers these last six months.

These past few days, I’ve been following a lot of Instagram accounts for people who love books. I’ve followed a January Instagram challenge. I’ve sorted through and picked the books I want to read and review this month. Photographed it. Posted it. More importantly, I’ve spent plenty of time reading, so I know I’ll cross one book off my ‘to be read’ list later today. That’s one book down by the second day in 2016. That is huge progress, especially since that’s a book I was supposed to review months ago.

52 books may seem like a lot, but I hope to read over 100. There were a few Instagram accounts I followed that read over 100 books in 2015! If they can make it possible, I know I can at least attempt to read over 52 books this year. I’d feel like I accomplished something HUGE!

I do listen to audio books at the office and while I’m commuting or walking. I’ve cracked out a few books this past year that way. Now that I feel passionate about reading again and have started following a community with that same passion, I believe this is definitely a resolution that will be completed by the end of 2016.

[NOTE: If you have a resolution you need help with, follow inspiring accounts on Instagram of people with that same goal in mind. A lot of times seeing something visually beautiful and stimulating, sharing your progress and joining challenges will help inspire you to complete your goal.]

GO ON A SPENDING DIET (SEE #2). HAVE FEWER, BUT BETTER THINGS.

I carry a piece of paper in my wallet that says “Have Fewer, But Better Things.” At first, figuring out what ‘better things’ was netted me a lot of stuff just to pare it down to figure out what was ‘better.’ In the process, I discovered what I truly loved. I kept only the things I knew would last for a very, very long time. These were the things that I enjoyed. In the process, I started to find my own sense of style. No more are the things that don’t fit, pinch a little, or I don’t feel absolutely amazing in. They were donated or sold.

I also have a large entertainment collection consisting of videos and books. I learned new ways to pare those things down, and go digital. That meant getting with the times and investing in new technology that would allow me to simplify my life, organize everything, and help me to get rid of things that would only require maintenance and space in my home. The goal is essentially to have fewer, but better things.

That means…for the next 6 months, while I am saving for another resolution, I’ll be focused on a spending diet so I don’t accumulate while I’m trying to declutter and get things under control. The focus is fewer, but better things. I already have the better things, I just need to pare all the other stuff out just to make sure that’s all I have. I don’t want to add to it anymore.

PHOTOGRAPH MORE. RELEASE THE WORKS FROM PREVIOUS YEARS (like the Pete Yorn photo collection like the photo that appears above).

So when I met Pete Yorn after one of his concerts in NYC, I mentioned I was a photographer, because I had been photographing him all night in front of the stage. He asked me where my studio was (I had a good laugh).

I promised him a couple of years ago I’d release my photo collection of him from that night. Yeah. It’s been two years. That Type-A in me from here on out will be getting that collection, as well as all of the others, out this year. After all, there are some photos out there that is available for sale through stock photography already. I just have to work on a few more of my relationships with a few other stock photography companies this year. Trust me, it’s on my TO DO list.

The stuff like this Pete Yorn photo are treated a little differently. When the collection is released, it’s not available for stock photography. It will be available in more of the art photography form. A little pricier than licensing to publish a photo. His photos are part of the Rockstar collection. I would like to continue the Rockstar collection this year. We’ll see who I add to the collection…

FINISH THE NOVEL. NO EXCUSES.

No more procrastinating. Just finish it.

LIVE EACH DAY FULLY. WORK HARD. PLAY HARD. ENJOY IT ALL, EVEN THE TOUGH STUFF.

WRITE, WRITE AND WRITE. THEN WRITE SOME MORE BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO WRITE.

TRY TO EAT MORE FRUITS/VEGETABLES WITH EACH MEAL. SNEAK IT IN SOMEHOW.

Since the surgery in 2013, I gravitate between being a foodie and a kiddie. That first year, you couldn’t ask me to get beyond eating what you’d feed your 5 year old child. Grilled cheese. Chicken nuggets. Tater tots. Spaghetti with meat sauce. You know, the simple stuff.

I couldn’t enjoy the finer things that first year after the surgery. Now, I either have a foodie moment, or I eat kid food. There’s no in between. When people say they’re on a diet, I look at them like…what’s that?

I don’t eat a lot of food. I only eat as much as my body is interested in eating (which isn’t much). What I would like to do is in that little amount of food I consume, that my veggies be more than ketchup with my chicken nuggets. I would like to enjoy fruits and vegetables again. This is a 2 year struggle post-op. I’m hoping this is the year I get beyond the protein and carbs and can really add in fruits/vegetables on a regular basis.

MAKE MORE FRIENDS AND CONTACTS. GET TO KNOW YOUR FOLLOWERS.

Over the years, I have tried not to get close to people. I’ve tried to make sure there was that barrier. You can say there were a few too many stalkers and weirdos in my past that contributed to that decision.

Over these last couple of years, I’ve learned that I can handle the crazies and the fans that call me all the time, text me, message me to the point of…ok…you’re being a little awkward and weird. I can handle it now.

Why punish everyone because there are a few people that get a little nutso? There are a lot of great people out there. I’ve made some great friends over this last year in the various industry events I’ve attended. I’ve been learning to start being friendlier to complete strangers on social media, and not so guarded. Kindness gets you so much farther in the world these days. Besides, being kind and just talking to people (including the homeless) has made me really see life in a whole new perspective. It’s helped me to finally see humanity in everyone…including the forgotten and ignored.

FIND A SITTER FOR MATTHEW SO YOU CAN GO ON VACATION THIS YEAR.

So the main reason why I have not been able to travel in these last two years was because I was under a medical travel restriction the first year post-op. After that, I adopted Matthew Lucifer. He’s my sweet, adorable, can turn into Lucifer himself, Maine Coon cat. He’s not a normal cat. He is HIGH MAINTENANCE.

I can leave the other cat home for a week…no problem. Matthew…I can’t leave alone for one night. Both cats would be dehydrated if I left them alone a whole day, because Matthew plays with water. He dumps out his water bowl so he can play in the water. I have not been able to kick him of this habit. He literally picks the heavy container up using his entire body weight to dump out the contents. I fill his water bowl 3 times every morning. Usually, there’s no water in the bowl when I get home.

Matthew is like a 4-year old child (he turned 4 yesterday). You can’t leave him alone unattended for too long. He is very social, but he’s not good with sleepovers because he is known to bite and keep people up all night long. I had mom brain the whole first year I had him. He’s been sleeping from 8PM-5:30AM for only 3 months now. He wakes at 5:30AM, wakes mom up, and doesn’t stop until 6AM when it’s time for breakfast. If you don’t rise to feed him at 6AM, plan on dealing with Lucifer until you get out of bed. Full on cat attack while you’re trying to sleep. Every morning it is like this.

If only I could find him a sitter so I can go to South America…I could really begin to travel again.

BUY YOUR NEW HOME BY THE END OF THE YEAR.

I’ve been tossing between buying/building for the last two years. This is the year I’ll make that decision. I am tired of living where I’m living now, being bothered by other people. I just want a place all my own without crazy landlords calling me up about apartments that have nothing to do with me. Like I care the person next to me is moving out. Why are you telling me to list their apartment? It has nothing to do with me. [Yes, this did happen just last month.]

HIT ALL MONTHLY FINANCIAL GOALS YOU’VE SET FOR YOURSELF. HUSTLE.

If you want to reach your own financial goals, you have to buckle down and get serious about it. If I want to build my dream house, it requires the right funds. If I want this site to do what I want it to do, I have to hustle. If I want my own personal success and dreams to come true, I have to hustle. The goal this year is to make sure all of those goals are met, especially financially. It is not cheap to do the things I do. There is a lot of money vested into the success of this site. Between events, appearances, the correct wardrobe to go with it, conferences, etc. it costs a lot to go and do these things.

I have a certain audience and they are my peers. Who are my peers? The same people who understand that if you want a dream to come true, it takes a lot of your own capital. You have to really invest in that life in order to make yourself successful. If you want to be a millionaire, you have to surround yourself with millionaires. You want to be an artist, you have to surround yourself with other artists. You want to be a writer, you have to surround yourself with people in the industry.

When you have money and invest in putting yourself among those people that are the influencers and will inspire you to make your dream happen, it’s easier. Most people think that success comes from luck, busting your ass, etc. I’ll let you in on a secret…it is a whole lot easier when you have the money that can put you in the same audience as those people you admire and strive to be like.

What I plan to do over the course of this next year requires some serious hustle in order for this site (and my life) to turn into what I envision it to be.

All of the previous resolutions, especially the Type-A resolution, is what will fuel me in making sure that the ultimate goal for 2016 for this site comes to fruition.

…..

So over this year, I’ll be sharing this Type-A hustle journey with you. There are so many aspects to it, especially with the decluttering over these next 5 months.

If you love to read books, follow my Instagram: diaryofaperfectionistwannabe. I’ll be joining a lot of the reading challenges and discussing books there, since there is a pretty huge community there discussing it. I’ll also look for other avenues to discuss books/movies, etc. with everyone if I see there’s an interest.

At any rate, I look forward to talking to everybody. Feel free to share your resolutions or thoughts below. Is there anything you’d like to see from the site this year? Just let me know. I already have one request in re: Justin Bieber…

Young fans…

How Are You Changing the World?

24 November 2015

How are you changing the world? Oftentimes we get so caught up in our own lives that we forget to care about anything else around us that doesn’t affect us. Then one day, time stands still for a moment and we are forced to stop. We are forced to watch an atrocity taking place. Then we ask ourselves how this could happen. How could evil like this be born into this world? What can we do to help the victims? How can we stop the evil from growing? How can we stop it from happening again?

When we say “we,” we don’t necessarily mean ourselves. We mean the government, our armies and just about everyone else out there but ourselves. Trust me when I say you’re not the only person thinking that.

That’s what needs to change. We need to change.

If we truly seek to change the world and to make it into a better place, we need to go out there and make these changes. How does one start?

It’s The Little Things

Changing the world doesn’t happen overnight. It takes small steps at first. You start by getting out of your shell and interacting with complete strangers.

After seeing the movie “Shelter,” I started carrying around extra food with me to give to any homeless person I came across. Usually, it’s an orange or a clementine. Homeless and the poor don’t always get their nutrients because they don’t have access to fruits and vegetables all of the time. With the cold days of winter settling in, they’ll need some Vitamin C to keep them from getting sick.

Since seeing the movie, I find myself walking up to sleeping homeless men and leaving them an orange beside them. I stop to talk to a drugged out homeless kid begging for money, handing him an orange with instructions that he must eat it so he doesn’t get sick. I gave one to the guy I’ve seen everyday for the last 10 years because he’s wearing a boot on one of his legs now (how he injured himself is beyond me because he’s always sitting there zenlike, minding his own business, smoking a cigarette).

When I first gave that last guy an orange, his eyes lit up at the kindness. He looked at me and thanked me for the kindness. He was genuine about it, too. You could see it in his eyes.

It was one of those moments where just that one human interaction was very important. It meant that he wasn’t invisible. Someone actually saw him, stopped and acknowledged him.

I’ve noticed over these past few weeks random people watching me stop to leave something for the homeless man at the Finding Neverland theater on Broadway. I think they’re shocked that a well dressed person carrying a bag that could pay their rent for several months, would stop to pay attention to one homeless man. In a way, I hope that by watching me doing an act of kindness, it will encourage them to do the same.

I check to see what he’s eaten while he’s sleeping. It’s apparent he’s getting a lot of his food from Carmine’s. He doesn’t eat it all, but I notice that he’s eating that orange I left him. That’s what I’m checking for. I want to make sure he’s getting his Vitamin C.

I left him another orange this morning, but this time in a Ziploc bag filled with some candy as an extra treat.

For that doped up kid I ran into last night, I checked this morning to see if he did as I asked. Sure enough, someone bought him a McDonald’s breakfast this morning. He didn’t even eat it. But that orange…he ate.

There’s a reason why I chose oranges to carry with me to give out to the homeless. First, they need their nutrients. Second, it’s a sweet treat. Third, what harm can come from an orange?

The third part is the one I want to elaborate on. When you give, you need to make sure that what you give is something that will benefit another human being in more ways than one. You are doing a good deed, so make sure that the good deed is something good for them.

McDonald’s is not conducive of a healthy place to eat. Sure, it’s a hot meal, but there’s only so much McDonald’s a poor person can take. It’s also not a place you’d want to eat every single day. It’s junk food.

When you give, you have to think about the true karmic benefits of giving. What if the person was a vegetarian or didn’t eat pork, but you handed them a sausage, egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast because beggars can’t be choosers, right? WRONG.

Give them something you would eat. Give them something to eat that you enjoy. Give them something that will help them in that very moment keep up their health.

The reason why giving out fruit is a special treat for me (and for the people I give them to) is because there is a high risk of Vitamin C deficiency in the poor and homeless. That leads to sickness and scurvy. Giving them an orange is like giving someone a moment of sweetness that will benefit them and their health. [For more on the scurvy problem in the poor, click on that link.]

When you give to others, expecting nothing in return, you need to think of the good karmic benefit and how far it will go. If you gave them a meal from McDonald’s, how far does that good karma go if the meal makes them sick? I mean, it’s junk food. It’s not good for you. You know that. That’s not how you create a good karmic act.

If you hand them money, what if they take that money to buy drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and other things that are bad for them? How are you helping them? You’re not. You’re feeding into the reason why they are on the streets to begin with.

When you decide what is best to give, think of how it can benefit the person you are giving to. A bottle of water is a good thing. A can of soda is a bad thing. A cup of hot coffee or tea and a conversation is enlightening. A brand new pair of boots can be a bad thing.

For those who are aware of the police officer in Times Square that bought a homeless man a pair of brand new boots during one of the coldest winters Manhattan has seen in years, his kind deed was all over the internet and news. What wasn’t all over the news was what that homeless man did with those brand new boots.

About five days later, I was walking through Port Authority and saw that same man…without the boots. He was back to being barefoot again. I let a few of the news media outlets know about it and they headed down to Port Authority to see it for themselves. Sure enough, he wasn’t wearing them. He said he hid them. He didn’t want anyone to steal them from him. Truthfully, he probably had them stolen from him or he sold them. If they were used boots, he probably would have kept them.

He took that police officer’s good deed and shit all over it.

That’s what you need to be careful of…doing what you think is a good deed, but it ends up being cut short in the cycle of creating good karma by the person you did the kind act for. Those are the good deeds you want to avoid doing, because it doesn’t help anyone no matter how good your intent was.

Creating Good Karma

Creating good karma for yourself and for the world doesn’t end when you do the deed. You have to think of creating a kind act that will continue long after you’ve done your good deed.

For instance, in Morocco, the people there speak kindly of an American woman named Amy Bend Bishop who visited Morocco back in 1927. She was the woman responsible for creating a free veterinary hospital in Fez, Morocco.

You may not think that’s creating anything special, but it was very special to the people.

The animals in Morocco are almost all work animals. The livelihood of the people depends mainly on those animals. If an animal needs medical attention, they can take it to this free hospital and receive free care for the animals. Although, if the animal is a pet, the owner usually has to pay for the vet bill. The reason that is that if you can afford to buy the food and care for a pet, then you should be able to afford the vet bill for your pet.

Her kind act to the people (and animals) of Morocco has helped keep the good karma flowing long after her death. The people there appreciate this act of kindness because it has helped them in so many ways. She also has people speaking kindly of her long after she’s died.

This is how you keep the good karma flowing and what we should all aim to do. Change the world one small step at a time.

There’s also a lady in Manhattan that died last week that had so many people in attendance at her funeral. Her family was astonished by how many people came. The church didn’t have enough seats to fit everyone.

The people that attended her funeral weren’t just family and friends. They were people whose lives she changed personally. For one Indian family that attended, they said that she had stayed in their home in India for one night many years ago. When one of the girls from that family came to America to attend Columbia University, the girl and her family were invited to stay with this lady for as long as it took for them to get acclimated to New York. How long was that? A month. This coming from staying with this family for one night in India. That is what we call being over generous.

That was the type of person she was.

Her manicurist…she helped her find a husband. She helped get her kids into the right schools. She really was so much a part of helping this woman and her family with all of the major things that happened in her life. Yet, she was just her manicurist.

She helped change the life of each person she came into contact with throughout her journeys around the world. Those changes were big changes in each person’s life. The amount of gratitude they have for her is the game changer.

She lived an incredible, happy life. Everyone loved her. She was wealthy and giving. She used her influence and her mind, heart and soul to change the world around her.

They may be little things to her, but they were big things for the people she helped.

This is how you change the world. You do things that will help people ALL OF THE TIME. There are problems that are BIGGER than you can imagine like how do you stop terrorists? You start by changing how you look at life, how you treat people, and by being kind.

You also have to stop being afraid. You have to stop disconnecting with life. You have to start reconnecting with the world not through your devices, but through real human interaction. The more you disconnect from the real world, the more the world becomes a stranger to you. You, just like everyone else that chooses to disconnect, becomes part of the problem, not part of the solution.

You can say you want change in this world, but you can’t change it by saying it. YOU need to be the change. YOU need to get out there and make that ripple of change. YOU can’t wait for people to change the world the way you wish to see it. YOU need to make that change the world needs. Start small, but think wisely. Think of how you can impact the world through your acts of kindness for the long run, not the short run. How can you change the world into a better place?

Now, imagine if everyone in the world was working towards this common goal of kindness to each other and making this world a better place for everyone.

Law of Karma

If you want great things to happen in your life, you need to do great things for others. When you do good all of the time for others, you are rewarded sevenfold. It’s just the way the universe works.

If you are constantly doing good and making sure that your good deeds go beyond just that one act and continues to keep going, the more you reap from the karmic benefit.

Happiness, good fortune, treasures, money, an amazing life…just about anything you could ever dream for yourself and so much more happens when you are doing good karmic acts. But it’s important that when you do good deeds, you are not looking for the karmic rewards. The universe still looks at your intent. The intent needs to come from a good place, not from a greedy place.

To change the world, you need to constantly be bestowing blessings upon the world and sharing the wealth that God gives to you. Be over generous, and the universe will be over generous to you.

The thing is, you can’t dictate what you want to the universe. I want to explain why…you need to trust that the universe (God) knows what’s best for you. You may think that you want X, but really it’s not what you need (most times it’s not necessarily good for you). God is a lot wiser than you. Trust that he’ll reward you brilliantly. You have to look beyond material possessions. Sometimes having an amazing journey in life with incredible experiences is worth more than all the money in the world. Happiness is the key factor.

Trust that God will know what will truly make you happy. If you go in with that blind faith, doing good for others all of the time without knowing what the reward will be (or caring what the reward will be), you’ll find God can be over generous, too.

Give greatly. Be over generous. Give wisely. Help everyone. Be kind.

To my fellow Americans, have a happy Thanksgiving. Be thankful for what you’ve been given and share that gratitude with the world by sharing that wealth with everyone you come into contact with. If you have leftovers, consider packing up a few meals and delivering it to shut-ins, the elderly spending Thanksgiving alone, the homeless, or families that need a little cheering up. God has given you this feast, share it with all those around you.

XO,

Michelle Kenneth

Mission 40

1 September 2015

September begins a new season for me and this is what I have planned for the site.

Why is September the start of a new season?

Well, consider it a little like going back to school. Each new school year is the start of a whole new you. That’s what I always loved about the fall. Autumn marked the start of a renewal and a chance to do things differently…actually, better than you did them before.

It means new clothes, new books, new activities, new learning experiences, and a whole new workload. September marks Fashion Week. For me, it also marks the start of my hockey season when I go back to covering hockey for Inside Hockey. The hockey season starts on September 17th for me. I’ll still have plenty of film screenings and premieres to attend, as well as a few film festivals. The Metropolitan Opera season also begins for me and I’m starting it off with Turnadot.

September also marks the release of many new books from various publishers. We’ll be sharing what’s new, as well as have a few special interviews with authors.

Mission 40

I’ve been tinkering with the idea of sharing the new journey I’m on. I’ve kept it under wraps these last couple of months because I’ve been trying to add some structure and thought into what exactly I wanted to do. Next year, I turn 40. With that, I have always had a specific goal in mind for myself of who I wanted to be at 40.

I’ll admit that I’ve laid that goal to the wayside for so many years because I’m a bit of a procrastinator. I kept thinking, “Oh, next year…I have plenty of time.” Well, I can’t say that anymore because next year is 40. Now is the time to get my butt in gear. I have to start being that person I envisioned myself to be at this age and that’s where Mission 40 comes in. Mission 40 is a challenge I’ve created for myself to push myself into being the person I’ve always dreamed I would be at this age.

What does Mission 40 entail?

The number one thing on this list is my overall health. After dealing with four tumors in this last decade, it’s time to start improving my overall well-being. Maybe instead of four tumors in this next decade it will be one, or maybe I’ll get lucky and not have another tumor again for the next 30-50 years. I have the cancer gene, so it is inevitable that I will get another tumor or cancer in some form at some point in my lifetime again.

The goals I am setting with my overall health entail:

Exercise
Diet
Brain Health (i.e. increasing knowledge through learning and brain challenges)
Soul Health (i.e. Meditation)
Beauty (hair, nails, etc.)
Less Stress
Overall Happiness
Getting more sleep

There are also certain personal goals I’ve set for myself careerwise that I am putting into action as the new season begins. There are certain bucket list items I’d like to check off, too. There are so many things I’d like to do over this next year in order to increase my overall happiness in life. A lot of that has to do with becoming more involved.

I’ve also started working more within the community, working on issues that we face in order to make the community better through service. I’ve also been getting more involved globally on how to evolve humanity by working towards eliminating many of the problems people face like poverty, war, slavery, and inequality. It’s time humanity evolved and I’m working to put that into action.

I’ll have a special section set up so that you can follow along with what I’m doing on a day to day basis…a journal, so to speak.

My ultimate goal is to reward myself with a special trip to South America next year to see Machu Picchu and the Galapagos Islands. If I can get over my fear of snakes…maybe I’ll take a little trip into the Amazon as well. All in all, this is the adventure I’m planning for…a little 40th birthday present to myself…a South American adventure. Before I can do any of that, I want to be in a certain place in my life before I reap the rewards.

For those interested in joining me on my Mission, I’ll explain how you can become more involved with the adventure I’m on so you can construct your own Mission for yourself.

Everyone Has Their Own U2 Story

5 August 20156 August 2015

Everyone has their own U2 story…that story when they first fell in love with the music.

For me, it was just one of those bucket list moments. I was living in Washington, DC, trying to find some direction in my 20-something life. Fresh out of college. Maybe I was working in politics or law during that time. I can’t remember. U2 came to town and I said to myself, “I have to see this band at least once in my lifetime.”

I wasn’t a huge die hard fan. I knew a few of their songs. I mean…who doesn’t? I still remember “Where the Streets Have No Name” being among the first music videos I had ever seen on MTV during those days when I would sneak out and go over to my neighbor’s house to watch the forbidden MTV with my friend.

When I went to see them play at MCI Center in DC, I had no idea what U2 would do to me that night. I went in expecting nothing, and U2 changed my entire existence.

It was like they were making love to their music. I could feel each note in every single cell of my body. The energy of each note vibrated within my very being. I became intoxicated with the rhythm and flow of the music. It was like I was riding the waves that they bring. [“Even Better Than The Real Thing” reference.] They literally blew my mind.

I walked away from that concert a changed person. It began a new adventure into discovering who I was.

From wanting to change the world, working with non-profit groups, to learning more about the issues around the world, I began to see who I was in the grander scheme of the universe. The music opened my mind to who I am and who I could be.

I was sitting in traffic on the way to work one day and “Stuck in a Moment (You Can’t Get Out of)” came on the radio. Bono was singing, “You’ve got to get yourself together, you got stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it.” I listened to that over and over again and then said, “NO. I’m not stuck. Not anymore.” And that’s when I decided to leave DC and pursue a different path in life.

I was young, not dumb
Just wishing to be blinded by you
Brand new
We were pilgrims on our way

“The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone)”

Behind the Lens

In due time, I would end up in New York City. I never understood why I ended up here, all I knew was that this is where my path led. It was while I was here that I discovered who I am and the person I will become. I’m a writer first and foremost. When I first started out writing for Orato.com back in 2007, they asked that I start submitting my own photos with my work.

My editor pushed me in that direction, because she was also a photographer herself. That push ended up opening me up to understanding how I see the world. Photography is one of the best ways for me to visually see how I am improving spiritually in life. It’s not the quality of the camera that determines if the picture is a better picture. It’s the person behind the camera.

I read this story the other day:

A photographer went to a socialite party in New York. As he entered the front door, the host said ‘I love your pictures – they’re wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera.’ He said nothing until dinner was finished, then: ‘That was a wonderful dinner; you must have a terrific stove.’ – Sam Haskins

In other words, it’s the person using the device that creates wonder, not the device itself.

A friend once told me that I have the ability to capture the beauty in the moment. It’s how I look at the world. I look for the beauty in the moment. It’s in that moment that helps me to remember and connect to the things I’ve forgotten and will forget. To capture the beauty of that moment, I have a visual aid as I take the steps to remembering what happened in that exact moment.

I mention the importance of remembering things forgotten because after the last tumor, I lost a lot of my memories. I spent the next year trying to piece things back together again. I created a 4’x4′ collage of photos of the places I had been from all over the world. It was a collection of beautiful moments.

Each day, I would stand in front of that collage and focus on one photo trying to remember where I was, who was there with me, what I ate while I was there, the smells, and how I felt. Who was I in that moment? A simple photo is a beautiful memory to me and a key piece in remembering who I was. It became a training tool to help me focus. It was like playing a game of Memory, but matching the photo to the actual life event that had become lost in the river of forgetting.

Bono made a comment during the show about ‘photographs.’ He said we were missing the moment. We were missing the concert because we were glued to our devices. I beg to differ, Bono. The person behind the lens of my camera is documenting a moment that is going to be relived again and again and again. More importantly, any person who knows me can tell you, what you see in the final product is not just the subject. You’re seeing how I see you. I’m able to pull out the beauty of that moment so that I can share it with the world. Some people will see it, others won’t.

I can find a simple moment that may mean nothing at the moment to anyone and create a moment that means everything to everyone who sees the photo. It creates a symbolic gesture that will take your breath away every single time you see it. Yet, in that actual moment, it means nothing to the person being photographed.

The joy isn’t just in the music and seeing U2 on stage. For me, the joy is being able to finally photograph them and share just what I see. While some of these photos look distorted due to the lighting, etc., that’s not what I see. I see the energy. I see the soul. I see the life force. I see the beauty in the art. It’s how I see them.

The Music

U2 was formed the year I was born. It’s a bit synchronistic how their music would follow me throughout my journey in life. Joshua Tree. Achtung Baby. Rattle and Hum. Zooropa. All That You Can’t Leave Behind. How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Invisible. Big Girls Are the Best. What’s Going On?

There was even a time a musician was trying to get me to forgive him and come back to him. When he saw me walk into the club one night, he stopped right in the middle of a song he was playing, pointed to me and said, “This one is for you,” and started strumming out the chords to the song. He knew how much I loved U2. When I realized what he was doing, I walked right out of the club. I wouldn’t let him bastardize U2 or equate some memory of him to a U2 song.

I won’t let anyone I have come across in this lifetime connect themselves to a U2 song. To me, “One” is not about two lovers fighting. To me, “One” is about my relationship with God when I’m mad at him for breaking my heart. Some rockstar wants to make it about us? No. I can’t ever let him do that, because then I’d never listen to the song again.

To me, “One” is God asking me: “Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now? You got someone to blame.” When I was really mad, that song would come on and it would make me really reflect deep within my soul about the relationship I have with God, the father. I would probably not have forgiven God for breaking me if it weren’t for that song.

Since that concert in DC, U2’s music has become my spiritual soundtrack in life. It’s not always just the lyrics to the songs. A lot of times it’s just the music. Desire is one of my favorite songs. I have no idea what it’s about. It’s one of the first (and only) songs I learned to play on the guitar. Who knew that what The Edge makes sound so complicated is actually just a few chords mixed in with his genius?! That’s what I call art. Or how about Larry Mullen, Jr. on the drums in “Sunday Bloody Sunday?” Or Adam Clayton on the bass in “Bullet the Blue Sky?”

If there was any song that explained my entire spiritual existence, it is “Running to Stand Still.” What the song is really about is not what it means to me. The song is my spiritual journey in life. “She said, I’ve gotta do something about where we’re going…” “I see seven towers, but I only see one way out.” “You got to cry without weeping, Talk without speaking, Scream without raising your voice,” “She’s running to stand still.”

This song probably has some of the most powerful words in it. To the band, it’s a song about a heroin-addict couple in Dublin. To me, it represents the internal spiritual journey filled with conflicts and choices that come along when deciding what to do. The feeling that you’re running through life only to be able to stand still…that’s the power in words. It explains who I am.

Words mean something different to everyone when they relate to what is being said. What one person says can mean something powerful in different ways to those who hear it. The author of the words may mean one thing, but how the audience relates to the words is something incredible in and of itself. They are the words that provide spiritual growth in a multitude of ways. That is how God speaks. He says a million things all at once. Our simple minds can’t register it all in one swoop, but the masses together can understand every single word, because we each understand the message in our own way.

U2 is the soundtrack of my life. When I’m writing spiritually and want to get to the core of how I feel and the message I’m trying to relate, only U2 plays in my ears. They provide the music to every soulful piece I write. Their music has been so much a part of my journey in life.

When I was in Fes, Morocco, my guide asked me if I knew who U2 was. I laughed and said, “Of course. They’re my favorite band.” He then told me that they spent a lot of time here working on their music. Who knew that the days that followed, I would end up connecting to Morocco in Mysterious Ways. It’s a very spiritual place, and a country I hold very dear to my heart.

As I started writing about my journey after the riad doors closed and I was locked in at sunset, I turned on my computer, put my earphones on and listened to U2 as I went through my photos and wrote about my journey through this desert land that made me feel God everywhere. He was in the broken smiles of the nomads, the sands that blew in the wind, and the mountains that called out my name. God was everywhere. I could feel him everywhere. That is why Morocco is so important to me. It changed my soul. It is one of the most magical places on the planet.

If there’s any album I’m closest to, it’s “Achtung Baby.” The song “Mysterious Ways” makes my soul dance. “Love is Blindness” is the song that explains the love of my life. The dark, eerie emotion you truly feel when you are still in love with someone who is six feet under and your heart refuses to move on. Some say the song is about committing the violent act of suicide. The love of my life put a bullet in his heart. Loving him has been like my “Love is drowning in a deep well.” Part of me knows that is how he felt as well.

This album defined those teenage years of my life.

Seeing U2 in concert in 2015 comes at the right moment. Post-op, I have felt lost and empty. Who I was prior to that surgery has been gone for some time now. Trying to figure out who I am after the surgery…that is the journey I am on. Just who is that person looking back at me in the mirror? What is she supposed to do with the rest of her life?

Every dream I had before the surgery died that day. I don’t dream anymore about being anyone or having a certain life. The things I wanted more than anything, I look at with disgust now. The question these last two years have been, “Just who are you now?”

That’s where filling that empty cup comes in. Seeing U2 in concert is like refilling that cup that had long gone dry. They’re not reminding me of who I was. They’re reminding me of who I am and who I can be. I am not my past. I am only my present. Who I choose to be in this moment is a writer and a photographer sharing a part of my life with you and what U2 means to me.

Using Fame to Better Humanity

One of the greatest lessons I ever learned from watching Bono was how he was using his fame to better humanity. Using his work as a model, when I’ve interviewed hockey players over these last seven years, I am always curious to hear what they are doing to give back to the world. How are they using their fame to better humanity?

20150731_012929 — Bruce Springsteen joined U2 on stage during Show #8 of the NYC run at Madison Square Garden. July 31, 2015.

The people I am most disappointed with are the ones who embraced their fame and fortune and gave back so little. A visit to the hospital or showing up at a kid’s hockey practice is such a huge thing for them. But they could do so much more.

Then you look at Bono. This guy worked towards getting AIDS patients the drugs they needed to help them. He’s working on getting water into homes so kids don’t risk their lives walking miles away to get clean water to bring home. Those kids risk being killed, kidnapped or raped just to get clean drinking water. While those of us complain about getting no 4G on their phone, there are people that don’t even have running water in their homes. When we don’t finish our meals and just throw it out, I’m always reminded of how there are people that would kill to have the scraps from our tables. There are kids out there that go through the dump just to find rotten food to eat.

There is so much we take for granted. We don’t know how lucky we are. That luck all depends upon where we were born on this planet.

If anything, the work Bono does is meant to not only educate the masses, but it is also designed to help inspire each and every single one of us to our own greatness.

When God gives you fame, you have a choice. Use it for good or use it for evil. Those who use it for good aim to change and inspire humanity to help them evolve into their own greatness. Those who use it for evil use it for their own selfish needs and concerns and give little or nothing back.

When I changed this site around, I wanted to focus on the needs of the many. What could I create that could help benefit humanity? That’s when I came up with the angle that I would share the stories of people out there who are living their dreams in order to inspire others to live their own dreams.

Choosing that path has led to some very incredible things and incredible moments. I’ve met people along the way who are not only just like me, but we are also inspiring each other to our own greatness. There are people I’ve met over these past few months who not only inspire me to work harder and to be wiser with the words I choose, but I am also inspiring them to do the same in their own field. Those are the people you keep close. Those are the people you support. They are part of your journey just as much as you are a part of their journey.

You don’t have to be a mega-rockstar to change the world. You can change the world by starting in your own world wherever you live. You can inspire others to their own greatness. I can tell you right now, there is no better gift you can give to someone than to help them on their journey in life. I’ve never met U2, but they have helped me in this lifetime in ways I can’t even explain or thank them enough for. They set the example of what it means to inspire the masses to be greater human beings. It should also inspire each and every person to do the same. Go out and inspire the people around you to be amazing.

Change begins within you. If you want to make this world a better place, you have to be the change you seek. Do what is right in your heart and follow it at all costs. That’s the journey you were always supposed to be on from the get go.

The Photos

The photos in this post were all taken by me during the July 31, 2015 U2 concert at Madison Square Garden. These pictures join the Rockstar Collection I’ve been building up for the last few years. That series also includes photos of Constantine Maroulis and Pete Yorn. U2 was the final piece that was needed for the collection.

The collection will be released in the upcoming months, as well as the never before seen photos from the Pete Yorn concert.

Certain photographs in the series will be available for sale. Details will follow.

Testament of Youth

4 June 201510 June 2015

While I would normally do a general review of a film, “Testament of Youth” will be a little different because this film hit very close to home for me.

Synopsis – This film is based on the memoir written by Vera Brittain (played by Alicia Vikander from “A Royal Affair”). This young woman’s sole desire was to go to Oxford, just like her brother. Her father wanted her to remain home. As a consolation, while they were out swimming with a friend, her father purchased a piano for her. It was enough money to pay for one year at Oxford.

When she arrived home to discover this, she was angry. As she’s telling her father that she will never marry, not ever in this lifetime, the man she would fall in love with walked into the house. Roland Leighton (played by Kit Harington from “Game of Thrones”).

This was right before World War I began.

Her brother managed to talk their father into letting her take the entry exams at Oxford. SPOILER ALERT: She got in.

As she prepared to go to Oxford with her brother, Roland and friends, the Great War began. All of the boys decided to sign up.

During the summer before the war, Roland and Vera started to fall deeper and deeper in love with each other. When Roland broke the news to her that he had enlisted, it was on the day they should have been heading to Oxford to begin school together.

As more time went on, she decided she had to do something, so she took leave from Oxford to work as a nurse. She started in the hospitals in Britain before later heading to the front.

War changes people. Roland was no exception. He tried to put the walls between them, but she refused to allow him to do it. That was when he proposed to her, promising to marry during his next leave.

SPOILER ALERT: He died. On the day they were to wed, his mother called the hotel to inform her that he had died.

He wasn’t the only one that died in the war. Her brother died, as well as their friend, Victor. She lost all of the people she grew up with and loved to the Great War.

After the war had ended, she became one of the greatest female pacifists in history and a writer.

Close to Home

If I’m going to be honest, I almost got up and left several times. It wasn’t because the film was bad. Quite the contrary. It just hit a little too close to home for me.

Before Roland died, I knew it was coming, because like Vera, those moments of reflection reminded me of having those moments. You remember their skin jutting out from their shirt sleeves, the way their hair tossed in the wind, the way they looked at you, the way they smelled, or the way their heart beat against their chest. You remember how it felt when they touched your skin. You remember that pure, untainted love.

These are the memories that stay with you forever. These are the memories you create with your soulmate. Roland and Vera were soulmates.

There were so many elements to what happened in this story that was just like my life story: the need to know exactly what happened when he died, the writings he left for her, being separated due to choices, being taken away at such a young age. All of these elements to Roland and Vera’s story gave me goosebumps. It made me remember my own soulmate. He killed himself just two weeks before my high school graduation.

You have to learn how to live after your soulmate dies. There was a quote in the movie that stuck with me: “We are all surrounded by ghosts. We just have to learn how to live with them.”

The director really communicated what that loss felt like. There were even moments where Kit Harington (with his clean cut) reminded me of those memories I had made with my soulmate.

For those who have felt that great loss of losing your soulmate, you can begin to understand why she took the stand for humanity…to say no to war. War was what took the people she loved deeply away from her.

Her stand against war was about those who have lost loved ones due to war. It wasn’t about politics. It was about humanity. Each side is sending their fathers, brothers, fiancés and husbands to fight in a war. Each side is losing those very people. Each side feels that loss just as deeply as the other side. Her pacifism was about protecting human lives, not about where those lives came from or whose side they were fighting on.

As each person approaches the end of their life, they’re not talking about killing the enemy. They’re calling out to the people they loved.

I’ve been in Vera’s shoes. I’ve been in them for 20 years now…the part where I’m learning how to live with those ghosts. The end of this movie was very important. It was about remembering and honoring those men she lost. When you lose your soulmate and people you were very close to, you can sometimes be on the brink of insanity. You try to forget them in order to survive another day. There were times where Vera almost completely lost herself in her grief.

Vera’s choice in the end was not to forget them. What she did was take that pain and suffering and turn it into something better. The truth is, the reason why people try so hard to make others happy, or advocate for peace like Vera did, is so that others will not experience the same loss they have gone through. They know what it feels like to be destroyed by that loss. They don’t want other people to experience what they’ve experienced. Even if they put a smile on their face to distract others from seeing their own unhappiness, it’s only in an effort to make sure others never go through what they went through. Some pain and suffering need not be repeated. People will do anything to protect others from experiencing that same suffering. Vera spent her life trying to do just that as a pacifist.

Quotes from Kit Harington (Roland) and James Kent (Director)

Kit Harington speaks to the audience about his new film "Testament of Youth." — Kit Harington speaks to the audience about his new film “Testament of Youth.”

Tribeca – Kit Harington and James Kent stopped by after this special screening to talk about the film on Wednesday night.

Here are a couple of audio clips from the event:

Testament of Youth 1

Testament of Youth 2

Here are a few select quotes from the evening.

James Kent:

“She spoke for a generation, because they were the survivors and they needed that time to have the courage to go, ‘No, no more.’ Hitler was beginning to come to power at that time and there was a real fear that Europe could be sliding into something unsavory. I think [Vera] does speak for the lost generation.”

The reason why Harington worked on “Testament of Youth” was because he had read about it in school and knew the story well.

Kit Harington:

“I knew this text quite well, actually…I studied it at school, both the history and for English literature, studying the war parts. I knew the formidable person Vera Brittain was from her books, from her memoirs. I think that sounds a little bit wishy washy and wanky… Sorry. What I really learned was through Alicia [Vikander’s] depiction of her, I felt it was so accurate, so beautifully done by her that I thought I was talking to that person. In the movie, I thought I was talking to that person, the Brittain I knew very well and loved. That was kind of amazing to experience.”

James Kent:

“I would hope if [Vera Brittain] came back and saw this film, and watched this film in this day and age, in this audience, that she would see a huge difference in who she was.”

Kit Harington:

“One thing that really scares me about my generation is that we are not as active as [Vera] was. Our discussion is a hard one. In some ways, you can argue that we, with social media, have a greater voice. In some ways, it’s completely dumb’ed down. I think, to me, it’s a very important discussion that has to be had. To my shame, I have never been in a political march in my life. I should have done it.”

Kit Harington:

“When I first read [Testament of Youth] in school, it actually triggered a real interest in this period for me. I had already been taken to the the Northern War graves, the French War graves, by my father, kind of a right of passage. I think he thought it was important that me and my brother go and see the consequence of war. There’s no better visual consequence than seeing those graves, those names on the wall. I read it at school and it kicked off a far greater interest about that period, about the literature surrounding that period. So when this came through the door, it was important to me that it was done well. Juliette (Towhidi) actually wrote it. I instantly knew when it was halfway through, it was doing it great justice. She had imagined the scenes around the ones that were in the books. They were written and respectfully done.”

On deciding on Kit to play the role of Roland, James Kent:

“What he has is the X-factor, the extra thing, which is a sort of soulful kind of intelligence, intellectual curiosity…a really soulful practical side. It was so important to get Roland right. If you got him wrong, it diminishes Vera as well. That she chose him and fell in love. She wore those dried flowers that you see that he sent her from the front, around her neck in a locket for the rest of her life. She married and she still had these flowers around her neck.”

James Kent:

“It’s very important to me that at the end of the film, she goes out into that pool of water again, because she’s trying to regain the conversation that she had with Roland in the woods where she says she wants to be a writer. He said that you need some experience first. She goes back to that lake with all that experience and finally by going into the water, it’s a baptism. It’s a renewal. It’s a purging. She can make that promise to the boys. I now got what Roland advised me to get. I can now enshrine your story for generations to come. And that’s exactly what you’ve experienced [with this film].”

The film is due out in US theaters on Friday, June 5th.

Making a Dream Come True – How to Begin

22 May 201522 May 2015

Children seeing large bubbles for the first time in Paris, France.

If you’re like most people, you have a dream. And then you have several other dreams of things you’d like to do in this lifetime.

Take me, for instance, I always dreamed of going to Morocco. I always wanted to see U2 from stage level. I always wanted to be a writer. I dreamed of being a hockey writer. I always wanted to get married and have a family of my own.

Four out of five isn’t bad. There’s the dream (which hasn’t happened yet), and then there are the lesser dreams (which are easier to make come true).

I always dreamed of going to Morocco. I dreamed about it for years. Then one day I realized that I had the resources to go and make that dream come true. I did a quick Google search on “Morocco Tours” and ended up booking with the first site I found. I don’t regret going by myself one bit.

The experiences I had from that trip went far above and beyond anything I could have ever expected. It was a dream worth having and one worth living. I made friends there and learned many things. Who knows? One day I may write a book about the amazing moments I had when I was there. Maybe I’ll even buy a home where displaced women and orphaned children can live some day.

As for seeing U2 at stage level, that hasn’t happened yet, but it will happen this summer. I was able to get tickets down by the stage this summer. It will be my third U2 concert in this lifetime. I had always wanted to be down by the stage. This time, I had the resources to purchase a ticket down by the stage, and actually be able to find one. The latter part is always the harder part.

Being a writer…well, that’s something I’ve been doing for years. Blogging, writing newspaper articles, freelancing, and even writing content for Fox Sports and Inside Hockey (being a hockey writer). All of those dreams came true.

I know there are many people that dream of those things and still wonder why they can’t seem to make it or (for hockey writers) get credentialed into the media. Writer (for Marie Claire, and many other magazines) and fashion blogger/stylist Nicolette Mason talked about privilege being one of the factors that got her foot in the door to be able to write for the big names in the fashion industry.

While it may be shocking to most, privilege is also what factors into opportunities. Privilege does help you get your foot in the door. But it also takes intelligence, drive and hard work to actually make dreams happen.

For instance, I was granted my first interview back in October 2007 by a hockey player that had seen me sitting in the front row of New York Rangers games for a few years. It wasn’t just an exclusive, it was his big ‘f you’ to the New York Rangers. I had to make a decision on how the article should be released. I opted to protect the player, which meant protecting the Rangers.

When the article was released, the Rangers breathed a sigh of relief. The player hated me for it. But I ended up making the correct choice, because eight years later, he’s retired and I’m still allowed to cover the Rangers in their press box. I was even asked to cover them while they were in Europe (both times). The reason why they asked has a lot to do with knowing that I have the resources to cover them in Europe during an age when other North American media are told to scale back their costs due to the economic landscape.

Privilege gets you in the door much easier. It gets you the jobs you want, the stepping stones you need to make a dream come true, and the fast track to making those dreams come true. It also provides you with opportunities that some people will not have access to because they do not have the resources.

Privilege is money, education, background and access to things that most people do not have access to.

How does one attain privilege?

Well, not everyone is born with privilege. You have to make it part of your dream in order to succeed.

When you graduate from high school, you may have dreams of how you plan on living your life. For the career minded, you know exactly what you’re going to do and how you’re going to get there. I’m going to tell you now that the best laid plans very rarely, if ever, get to the finish line because life happens.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be a politician. I mapped out the course, the school, the city, the major, the internship, and whatever else I needed to do to get myself into the Capitol building. I told all of my plans to this guy that I’d been in love with since junior high. He was also my best friend. He said to me, “Wow. It really looks like you have your life all mapped out.”

Would you believe those were the last words he ever said to me? Two weeks before my graduation, he put a bullet into his heart. One of the things he cited (and there were many) as the reason why he was committing suicide…I had made life plans without including him in it.

He put an end to that dream and life plan.

I still followed the course I mapped out for myself, but my heart and passion were never in it. Life had happened to me.

I didn’t start to move forward until my late twenties. It took a broken heart, an insane monthly education loan bill to get me to decide to change my life. I was getting peanuts working for the government. I could barely afford to buy food with the amount they paid me. I realized that I didn’t have to live this way. How you choose to live life is a CHOICE. I decided I was going to put myself out there and demand I get paid two times the amount I was getting paid, get a better health plan, and find a better life.

That’s how I ended up in New York. It was the only place in the world that bit when I put myself out there. I hopped on a plane. Did an interview and walked away with a job. I moved to New York two weeks later.

This is where dreams started to unfold. It was NY that gave me many opportunities. I took advantage of them as they became available. I fell in love with hockey and the New York Rangers. I decided to take two loves, writing and hockey, and put them together. Over time, I started to command higher and higher salaries, because I became good at what I do and I love doing what I do. I became passionate about the things I was doing. Passion makes you a valuable part of any team, and they will pay you well just to keep you from leaving.

My point in sharing this is that you can create your own privilege. You can make more money. You can create your own opportunities. It starts by believing in yourself and making yourself go out there and make things happen.

So how do you start?

Before I get into the numbered points below, start with a notebook. Write down every single dream you have for yourself. Consider this your bucket list. Each year, go through it so you can see what dreams you accomplished and which dreams you would like to accomplish in the upcoming year. Highlight your accomplishments so you can always go back to see what dreams you have fulfilled. It will motivate you to keep chasing after each and every single one of your dreams.

Pick a few dreams you’d like to accomplish over the next year and pursue it at all costs, no matter what the outcome may be. It’s better to know what happened instead of regretting never having done something.

1. It takes telling yourself that YOU DESERVE A BETTER LIFE. You may be getting paid peanuts. You don’t have to accept that life anymore. Work on your resumé. Don’t just list the jobs where you’ve worked. List your experiences you’ve had in life, especially the things you are passionate about. If you’re out making a difference in the world, volunteering, part of a community project or not-for-profit, LIST IT. I have always found that the most interesting things about a job candidate is in that miscellaneous area. The reason why I got hired all rests in the things I did outside of work. It told potential employers more about me than what school I went to or where I worked before.

2. If you haven’t been doing things that would make that miscellaneous part of your resumé look good, then go out and do things that you can get passionate about and DO IT FOR FREE. I refuse to take money for writing about hockey. I have turned down paying job offers to write about hockey. I just never felt right about taking money for it. I believe you lose a sense of yourself and the passion behind what you’re doing when you agree to take money for something you love so much.

I helped musicians in my twenties. The best thing they could do was put me on their VIP list so I didn’t have to pay to get in to see their show. It really helped when I was getting paid peanuts by the government. I helped startup and work for a not-for-profit FOR FREE. I chose projects to work on that I was passionate about. I did that all FOR FREE. Doing that helped boost my resumé even more because what I did for free was actually why I got hired and could command a large salary and get exactly what I was asking for and even more. It was doing these life experiences that created my work ethic and character. I know exactly what I’m worth, and I expect to be paid more than what I’m worth.

The most important thing about choosing your projects you’ll work on for free, you’re assisting people that are trying to live their dreams (or people that need help). You help them without expecting anything in return. In exchange, you are actually gaining life experiences, as well as your own job training that can be applied to other facets of your life. Choose a project based on your dreams. If you dream of doing something in music, get involved with something that has to deal with music. Always do things that are closely symbolic to your dreams. You have to pick up and learn how to live your dream. It helps if you start by learning directly from others that are out there living their dreams.

3. No matter what your dream is, you have to pay the bills. You can’t go chasing after a dream without money in tow. You still need to eat, have a roof over your head and have your bills paid. Many people work a day job so they can have their real career – their dream. It is that main job that pays for everything, including your health care. I’m sorry to say, you still have to work your main job before you can work the dream job full-time. I’d say wait until you’re making more money from your dream job before quitting the day job. Just make sure you equate in how much you really cost your employer (after all the benefits, like health care, are computed in). Don’t quit until what it costs your employer to have you employed at their office is equal to (or less than) what you are making at your dream job.

4. Become involved in the things that will bring you closer to your dream. I will have to say that I fell into a lot of things that became a part of creating a dream. I didn’t get into hockey until my first New York Rangers game in 2005. After that, a hockey writer dream began. I went to as many games as I could, sitting down in the first few rows just to study the game. There were things I picked up down at ice level that I definitely would never have noticed if I sat further up (like in today’s day and age, sitting all the way up in the press box). Those days sitting in the front row was what prepared me to cover the game of hockey.

GMs of teams appreciated reading what I saw. There were things that they may not have been aware of that I would pick up. For instance, did you know that alcoholics sweat differently than regular people? I could tell a player was under the influence just by the way he sweated. I could tell which minor league player had the potential to make it to the NHL permanently. It’s that je ne sais quoi that sets them apart. Very few people can pick up on it. That’s why they’re called scouts.

These days, I attend a lot of arts related events because that is where my life is steering me. When I asked myself what I loved to do now, movies, the arts, books and theater came to mind. So that’s where my new course is heading. What do I do to make that dream happen? I throw myself right in and pursue whatever comes at me. That is usually in the form of film festivals, conferences, premieres, going to shows, meeting and speaking to the people in the industry, and developing friendships with them. There are a lot of facets involved with making a dream come true. Just go out there and put yourself directly in the middle of it all and watch it unfold.

5. Having money helps in this area. It buys you better experiences and VIP treatment. I find that it removes the wall from being an outsider to becoming an actual insider. Instead of dreaming of being one of them, you become one of them. No matter what anyone tells you, Sean Avery (former hockey player) put it best when he said that money gets you a lot further in life. It definitely helps you get to where you are going.

Money is the most important resource to have when you are pursuing a dream. It paves the way for you. It gets you into the things you need to get into without putting a wall up between you and the dream. I find that life is a lot easier when you have the money to afford your experience. Dreams, unfortunately, cost money.

Putting together a film…it costs money. Creating a book…it costs money (and a lot of times right out of the author’s pocket). Creating artwork…it costs money to make it. Becoming a professional athlete…it takes money to prepare, train and buy equipment. How are you going to become the next big basketball star without a basketball?

6. Education is crucial. No matter what field you are pursuing, you need the expertise. You need the credentials. You have to be knowledgeable in your chosen field, no matter if it’s the arts or sports, you need to have the brain to go along with the game. You need to become an expert. You need to continuously learn, because nothing stays the same. It always evolves.

Lawyers and doctors have to continually learn, because laws change, scientific breakthroughs happen. They have to attend continuing education courses all of the time in order to stay abreast of their practice, as well as change with the times. Everything is constantly evolving, you always have to evolve with the times, or lose in the game of life.

Even in hockey, players that know the game and have been playing it their entire life, they are always learning from each other, trying out new equipment, and adapting to the game as it changes. The hockey game is very different today than it was the day you were born.

As the owner of this site, I am constantly reading how to make the site better, what I need to focus on to create better content as a writer. I attend conferences. I take classes. It’s not because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m learning how to do things better than I did before.

7. Practice makes perfect. If you’re a writer, athlete, actor, etc. you have to constantly work towards perfecting your craft. In Outliers: The Story of Success, Malcolm Gladwell’s most important message is that it takes 10,000 hours to perfect your craft. That means, no one will take you and your dream seriously until you have perfected your craft, so start practicing.

Bill Gates spent over 10,000 hours working on his dream before he could even make a penny off of it. He wasn’t just an overnight billionaire. He put in many, many hours before Microsoft came into being. It’s the same for Mozart. He wasn’t just a prodigy. He had to work many hours to perfect his craft.

For some people, they may ask how I was able to get these interviews for this site. Throw in every single factor above, including spending the last eight years writing about hockey. Writing about hockey helped prepare me for this next adventure in life. Spending all of that time interviewing, writing, and establishing the type of person I am when it comes to being a writer, that’s how I was able to perfect my craft. It’s not just the constant practice, it’s who you become after you put in all the work. You’ll find that practice does make perfect, but it also helps shape you into the person you are setting yourself out to be.

8. It’s all in the mindset. Staying positive and thinking only positive thoughts all of the time will help you achieve your goals. If you need more money to make things happen, don’t get down on yourself. Write out what you need to do to make each dream happen, every single little detail. Focus on each detail.

Do you need to make more money? How much do you need to make to make the dream happen on top of the expenses you have already? What are your options to getting more money? Do you need a better job? What would a better job be for you?

Do not discount happiness throughout this entire process. One of the reasons why I love my job so much is because of the people around me. They make me happy…even my bosses. Make sure that wherever you put yourself, you have a positive atmosphere around you. If you constantly hate everything about your job, you can’t make the dream happen. There’s no “When X happens in the dream job, then I’ll be happy.” No. Start the happiness now. Only choose a job where you will be happy. You’ll find that happiness is very much a part of making the dream happen. If you’re not happy, you’re going to be stuck.

When I found my current job, I had written out the things I wanted most. I wrote down an insane number of how much I wanted to be paid. I wrote down insane things of what kind of benefits I wanted. I reached for a pot of gold and came back with diamonds. The job I ultimately chose was the job that not only matched what I was asking for, but gave me way more than I could ever ask for. There was something else I had written down on that piece of paper. I wrote down…to have way more than I was asking for. To have way more than enough.

I got exactly that.

If you need resources on how to get into the positive mindset, I recommend starting with Rhonda Byrne’s “The Secret,” moving on to Paulo Coelho’s “The Alchemist,” and then to Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth.” It’s all about changing your mindset. Your mind is much more powerful in making the most incredulous dreams come true. Your mind calls into your universe exactly what you put out there. So if you’re thinking negative thoughts all of the time, a lot of bad things are going to happen to you. If you focus only on good things, amazing things will happen to you.

It’s not some new age quack thing. I’m living proof of that philosophy. I’ve been practicing it since 2007. How else do you think I scored that interview from a New York Ranger on my first try as being a hockey writer? Positive thinking.

I also highly recommend meditation to help you find that inner peace that will keep you happy all of the time.

****

As you can see, making dreams come true is multi-faceted. The most important thing is believing in yourself and your dream. Making dreams come true is a lot easier when you’ve created your own ‘privilege.’ You’ve got to put in the work (and a lot of hard work at that) to make that privilege happen. Most importantly, you have to keep your mind positive. Think negatively, and plan on everything falling apart on you. Feel free to ask questions by posting below or sending me a comment in the Contact Page. You can also ask on my Twitter account: @MichelleDoPW

The New Direction for Diary of a Perfectionist Wannabe

13 May 201513 May 2015

When I first began this site, it started off as just trying to make myself into a better person by doing things that I had always wanted to do (like figuring out how to make Coq au Vin), and sharing the journey along the way. Over this last week, the site sort of took a different turn in a new direction. This is ultimately the direction I wanted the site to go in all along.

There is a life motto I have been telling people since I was a teenager. Ironically, the first time I ever said it, it was to my grandfather.

I was 16 at the time and had just gotten back from Paris. I was telling my grandfather about my Parisian adventure. He said to me after I finished sharing my story that he wished he could do that. I remember looking at him a little funny…like it was crazy for him to say that. That’s when I said to him, “Life is short. Do anything and everything you ever dreamed of doing.”

For years, his kids had told him he should go out and travel during his retirement. He never did. But it was those words that day that prompted him to go out and chase every last dream he had for himself. He spent the last 15 years of his life traveling all over the world. Over those years, he would share those stories with me in the letters we wrote back and forth to each other. He was my pen pal from the day I was a kid and could send out a letter on my own, until the day he died.

After he died and I started traveling more, I continued our travel tales. With each place I visited, I felt like he was near, sharing this adventure with me. He used to collect coins from every country he ever visited. This goes all the way back to World War II, when he was in the war. He had brought back coins and stamps from Nazi Germany. Those are coins that I ended up inheriting after he passed away.

Every time I visit a country, I make sure to have a handful of coins to add to our collection. This is a ritual I have kept going since 2007. That’s why traveling all over the world is so important to me. It’s about keeping an important memory going by adding to it long after the other person you shared it with is gone.

Those words I told my grandfather that day is the same motto I have repeated to so many people throughout this lifetime (and to myself, because sometimes you have to remind yourself what your life motto is). Do anything and everything you have ever dreamed of doing.

After the NYCIFF Awards, I was talking with George Pogatsia (director/writer/star of “Family On Board”) about his speech on championing each other. It takes a village to create success. We all have to help each other make our dreams come true. We cannot make a dream come true on our own. It is absolutely foolhardy to think we can make our dream happen on our own. It takes many people along the way to help us get to where we are trying to go. It takes a village to make every single dream come true for each individual.

When you work together to help each other make dreams come true, you’re creating amazing energy together in order to make each and every dream come true for each person involved. Consider it karma working in everyone’s favor.

Creating this kind of energy helps inspire each person involved to be greater than we were before. That kind of energy is a really good, positive feeling.

When you help each other, you go into it believing in the other person and their dream. You help them any which way you can within your own limitations. You do this without wanting anything in return. The way the universe works is that when you help others, wanting nothing in return, someone will return the kindness to you. It may not be the same person you’re helping. It could be someone else, the right person that can help you get to the next step in the process.

The amount of energy you put into helping someone else’s dream come true, you’ll find that the same energy x7 comes back to you. It’s just the law of the universe (aka the law of attraction). Do good for others, and the kindness will be returned somewhere down the line in a variety of different ways from so many different people.

Your vibe attracts your tribe.

That being said, that is the direction this site has gone. This site is about sharing people’s dreams and how they’re making them come true. This content will be brought to you through interviews and collaborations. There will be a lot of repeat offenders here because of the collaborations. A collaboration means that we are working together to share the story of how one person is making their dream come true.

For instance, we will be documenting Family on Board’s journey to the Oscars. This will be done in collaboration with George Pogatsia, the film’s director.

In the upcoming days, I’ll also be sharing with you one artist’s journey to creating a new arts festival in the Bahamas. That artist is no stranger to this site. He created my Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal painting.

Journalist friends I’ve made over the years in hockey will also be contributing to the site in their own ways. Russ Cohen (from Sportsology, author of various books including “100 Ranger Greats”) recently added his first collaborative post to the site. Russ and I have known each other since the start of my hockey writing career. He’s been a great friend and mentor over the years, so having him contribute non-sports related content here…I am definitely a very lucky person.

There are other hockey reporters that will be submitting stories, recipes, DIY projects, etc. in the upcoming months. In a way, this site allows them to have a place to share their other passions that are outside of hockey. [i.e. There is life outside of hockey for hockey writers.]

This site is about building a trustworthy community of individuals that this site supports in their journey through life. It is about believing in that person and their dream. As of now, sharing each person’s journey is a stepping stone. As time progresses, perhaps this little community we’re building can do more for each other.

That’s what this site is doing on its backend as far as bringing forth content. The purpose of creating this content is for one simple reason. It’s to help inspire people out there to go after every single dream they can have for themselves. Life is about pursuing each and every dream. You could fail at a dream or get to the end of its path and decide it wasn’t meant for you. It happens all of the time to every single one of us. Eventually, you’ll find there are some dreams that were worthwhile and others that weren’t. That’s what life is all about.

The worst thing anyone could ever do is dream and never pursue it. You will always ask yourself ‘what if.’ What is the point of asking yourself ‘what if?’ Just go out there and live the dream. You’ll find that life is more amazing when you are pursuing your passions in life.

If a story is shared here, it’s not a one time deal. We’ll continue to follow their journey, sharing their story as a way to get people to be more interested and involved in something that is absolutely incredible. The people you’ll find here are people I believe in. The things they have created or done…they are projects I am passionate about seeing do well. If you love something…you’ve got to say something. That’s what this site will be doing.

xxoo,

Michelle Kenneth

Soul Searching: Our Life’s Work

6 April 2015

We are our own greatest mystery, and our life’s work is to solve ourselves.

– Jan-Philipp Sendker

Today, I want to talk about this quote and how it pertains to this site.

Soul Searching

There are a lot of things in life that I aim to perfect: my mind, my body, my heart and my soul. When I cook up recipes, I look for things that are challenging so that I can become a better cook. When I try out new restaurants and new dishes, it is so I can learn to be more cultured. When I read, I want to learn things I didn’t know before. When I walk this path, I want it to be filled with all of the riches that life has to offer. The only way to do that is by not only becoming a greater human being, but by also challenging myself to make myself better than I was before.

We never know what we are capable of. There are times you can feel so defeated that you feel like the only best alternative in life is death. I know. I’ve been there many times at various junctures in this lifetime so far. I was ready for whatever decision God had for me. He could let this tumor kill me or he could change my life.

That latter part is why this site exists. Back in August 2013, I was diagnosed with a tumor in my parathyroid gland. Both the tumor and the gland had to come out. The parathyroid is the gland in the neck that synthesizes calcium. When I went in for my physical, the amount of calcium in my blood stream was over 120. Normal is in the single or lower double digits.

What did that mean? It meant that not only was the gland synthesizing the calcium I was putting into my body, it was working overtime and pulling calcium from my bones and putting that calcium into the blood stream. Left untreated it could either give me a heart attack I could not come back from or a brain malfunction due to the amount of calcium circulating in the body.

Doctors still talk about my case. It wasn’t because I had a tumor, it was how I knew something was wrong.

Only a Doctor Can Fix It

Right when I had given up on the only dream I had ever had in this lifetime (to have a family of my own), I was struggling with my relationship with God. I was furious with him because for some reason he just didn’t seem to want to make my only dream in life come true. He pointed out this one guy. It was someone he had been talking to me about all of my life. After 36 years of promises and nothing to show for, I doubted God would deliver up what he had promised to me. He was failing to live up to our bargain.

Was what I have done for God my entire lifetime not good enough? Or was it not enough?

I was mad. I felt like I had paid my dues and God decided I was not worthy of this one dream…the only dream. So I decided to break my own heart and let go of the dream. Trust me, I was mad at God. I would sit in the meditation room at the Meditation Center trying to center myself, feel peaceful, but all I could do was scream at God.

Why give me this dream if he never intended to make it come true?

At one point, I heard him yell back at me after having to listen to my laments for a few months. He told me it was enough. There was something more important that I needed to focus on. He told me that there was something wrong. I needed to see a doctor. It was not something I could fix. Only a doctor could fix it.

At first, I blew off the warning. What makes me think this is really God talking to me after I thought he was talking to me all of these other times pointing some guy out to me saying, “That’s him. That’s the one I’ve been telling you about ever since you were a child.”

I blew off making the doctor’s appointment. Each time I went in and humbled myself before God, he kept repeating the same message: “You need to see a doctor. There is something wrong. It is something you can’t fix. Only a doctor can.”

So after several warnings, I made the appointment to see the doctor. I went through all of the motions. I appeared healthy. She just wanted me to go to the gym, maybe interact with other people a little more. Be more social. So I started looking at gyms and classes, trying to take my doctor’s advice.

I was prepping to go on a cruise with my friend when the doctor called and left a message saying she had received my blood tests. She said, “Scrap everything I told you before.” She needed me to come back in to do the tests again. There was something wrong. My calcium count was off the charts. She needed to double check to make sure it wasn’t an error.

I thought to myself, “What in the hell is high calcium?” I quickly did a Google search and discovered that I had hyperparathyroidism. In other words, I had a tumor in my parathyroid gland. This is what we had been waiting five years for. The tumor had finally shown up.

I had been showing signs for the last five years that something was wrong. We knew it was cancer related we just didn’t have any idea where it was in the body. Now we did.

When I returned from the cruise, I was retested and it came back positive that I had high calcium. We started going through the next steps to having the surgery. All the while, they were preparing me for the worst.

With each doctor I saw after the diagnosis, they asked me how I knew. I said, “God told me in my meditation that something was wrong. I couldn’t fix it, only a doctor could.” I repeated this from one doctor to the next.

When I went in for my nuclear tests at Roosevelt Hospital, the doctors had been talking to each other about what I had said. As I awaited the chief doctor’s decision on whether I needed more testing, one doctor sat looking at the screen, shaking his head. He asked me, “How did you know?”

I repeated the same thing.

He was an Indian man. He looked at the screen then looked back at me in disbelief. I realized that God was working his reality on this man.

You see, there was absolutely no way I could have known about the tumor. There are ZERO SIGNS. There are symptoms that can easily be misdiagnosed as acid reflux or feet problems that can be corrected with shoe supports. There are no signs that are definitive that there is a tumor in your parathyroid gland. Only a blood test can reveal there is a tumor.

The doctor told me his faith (before he went into medicine) believed this way. He said this was the actual first time that God and science agreed. They had several doctors ask me the exact same question: How did you know? The fact my response was the exact same every single time, so matter of fact, and I did not appear delusional, it made them question their own beliefs. Maybe God really was talking to us. They had put my responses in my medical report. Each doctor confirmed I said the exact same thing.

Because the truth was, there was something wrong. I couldn’t fix it. Only a doctor could.

I was diagnosed mid-August. I had the tumor removed on October 22, 2013. Who I was prior to going under died that day. Who I became after I woke up…that is the journey I’m currently on.

Who Are You?

I lost almost all of my memories within the weeks that followed. I had to remind myself what my name was every single morning. The woman looking back at me in the mirror…I did not recognize. To this very day, I still don’t see that the person I am today is the same person I was before the surgery. I can tell. I can even see it in the pictures of me before and after. They are two very different people. At least to me, I see two very different people. They do not look the same at all. Actually, I don’t recognize the person looking back at me anymore.

I cut off my long locks. I refuse to grow them out anymore. That person with the long beautiful hair is not me anymore.

That person that loved hockey and writing about it and just loved that journey she was on…she does not exist anymore.

I had to reteach myself how to do so many things, like math, for example. I tested out of every math course in college except statistics (because it was required for my major). To all of a sudden forget how to add simple numbers, do division or multiply…I was absolutely humiliated that I was reduced to being an idiot.

I had problems reading books. I just didn’t want to read. I had no interest in it whatsoever. I knew I loved to read. I just couldn’t pick up a book.

I had to reteach myself how to spell. I’m a credentialed member of the media…I never had to check my work after so many years of writing. Now, I have to read everything ten times before clicking SUBMIT. I leave out words all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME.

I knew I loved to travel all over the world, but something inside of me refused to leave New York. Now, I use my newly adopted cat as a reason I can’t leave.

It took almost a year for this foodie to eat anything beyond basic children’s food. I ate grilled cheese sandwiches for months. I knew I loved amazing food, but I tried to eat it post-op and I could not taste anything. It took almost a year to be able to enjoy something that was absolutely amazing.

In other words, all of this time post-op, I struggled to find myself. I was lost within the walls of this body feeling trapped. I have said to myself every single day since I woke up, “I should have died that day.” But for some reason, God decided I should live. We are not necessarily on the same page.

One think I am thankful for, no matter how complicated this journey has been, was the loss of my memories. He left me with only one memory. He left me with the dream thus far. That story about that guy he had pointed out to me…I remembered him and the story thus far. I could not even remember my own name or the person looking back at me in the mirror, but I remembered that guy.

I couldn’t remember the people that hurt me in the past. When they surfaced, my friends and my brother helped me. If they were bad, they just told me to stay away from them. If they were good, they let me know that person was okay. When the memories came back, it came back without the emotions. I recognize that an emotion existed connected to that person, but I no longer felt that emotion towards that person. I no longer felt the pain and suffering.

While this is a good thing, I think it disconnected me from being human.

Second Chances

This site was a way of finding myself again. It was a way to force myself to rediscover who I was prior to 10/22/13. There are things I discovered in life that were tremendous and amazing. There were experiences I had in life that created this incredible and amazing journey I was on. I needed to find myself again in that confusing emptiness that now existed within me.

I was given a clean slate when I lost the memories. Now, I’m refilling this mind, soul and body with things that will make me into a better human being.

This is also the life of learning how to live without the dream. You just don’t realize how much you are part of something until it is gone. This is what happens when you stop dreaming. You are lost trying to figure out what in the world is going on.

Being Faithful

God gave me a second chance and left me with only one clue…the dream. He didn’t even give me my name. He told me about that dream I had let go.

Knowing God, he’ll make sure he puts this post before the eyes of the other person this dream is meant to be shared with. For some reason that dream means something very important to God. I wish it didn’t. I also realize that this person must have prayed for me to live. I’d like to slap him across the face for it, especially because when you look at our reality today, what has become of the dream? Nothing.

This morning, during my meditation, I was talking to God about reality versus faith today. How can he expect me to have faith in a dream that in reality has never come to fruition?

His answer came from Master Noel Bada just a few minutes later.

God hasn't called us to be realistic, He has called you to be faith-ful to your calling. #MondayMotivation #embracethemoment

— Master Noel Bada (@Master_Noel) April 6, 2015

How about that for an answer? God has called you to be faithful to your calling.

Don’t Forget

Before I awoke from the anesthesia, I felt like I was floating down the river of life, going past houses with families standing alongside the road. They were all smiling and waving as I floated past. I heard God say, “Don’t forget.”

I woke up to the sound of a loud beeping noise and a nurse telling me to breathe. I felt like I had just taken a dip into God’s ocean of love. I was reborn.

All of these things are connected: the dream, seeing families alongside the road, and remembering only one person in this entire universe (and it wasn’t me).

That is life’s mystery, trying to figure out what this life is meant for. We are meant to solve that mystery.

It’s Not the Story, It’s Just the Setting

In a dream I had not so long ago, God explained this lifetime to me. He explained why the story played out a certain way. He explained the mystery within the story. I am in a certain setting. It’s just the setting. We may think it’s really the journey in life, but it is only the setting.

The setting was created that way because it was designed for the two of us to meet. The real story was the love story.

God appeared as the best friend I took with me wherever I go. No matter what happens, what pain I endure, or the decisions I ultimately choose, I will always return to my best friend no matter what. There is no being in the universe that can rip me away from him, because no matter what happens in the story…even if I lose my way and fall in love with the wrong person…I will always return to God.

That’s where I am in this juncture. I’m working on my relationship with God. I’ve had to go back to the very beginning, reminding myself of the law of attraction. I’ve had to remind myself that my soul is always recording what is happening. That videotape is always seen by God. I must always have pure thoughts, no matter how sad my soul is. I must always do good for others first. Bestow good thoughts and blessings upon people as they walk past. I have to refill my karmic bank account for the next lifetime…the one where I ask God to make sure I don’t come back and I can just stay with him. This child wants to go home, but I’m stuck here. My mission is apparently incomplete.

So this is my new mission: I dream of owning a large home filled with children that do not have a family of their own. Perhaps we can be a family together. That is what I want. This is not something I aim to do with anyone else. I am exactly where I want to be right now. I’ve changed my entire way of being and living because I understand my choice to do this on my own. The dream isn’t about faith anymore…it’s either God delivers what he promised, or he doesn’t. Either way, I’m moving forward without God’s dream. If that dream is so important, he’ll figure out how to deliver it. I’ll look at it with absolutely no expectations. I find that when you expect something and it isn’t delivered, you become disappointed. I kind of don’t want to be disappointed in God again. He has failed me several times already in this lifetime.

But where there is failure and disappointment, sometimes you can look at it as a life lesson. But what that lesson is…only time will tell. You just have to hope and pray you figure it out before it’s time to start a new life all over again.

What Any of This Has To Do With This Site

I just want all of you to understand where I’m coming from by putting my energy into this site. This is my way of challenging myself to be a better human being. By pushing myself to understand things I never understood before, relearning how to do the basic stuff, and using what I’ve learned to create a better world…that is my aim for this site.

I don’t want a life that is just mediocre, because I’m not mediocre in any sense of the word. I aim to have a better life. Most people do. But what is better?

We start with learning how to be a better soul. So once a week I’m going to get spiritual on you. Believe it or not, I find that bearing my soul has always had more interest. Why? Because we relate to each other in some way. We just need each other in order to learn and be inspired to be greater than we were yesterday. That is really our aim in life, to be a better human being than we were yesterday.

That, in itself, is the true journey I’m on. That is this site’s mission: To Be A Better Human Being Than I Was Yesterday.

It’s about healing ourselves and the world. I haven’t heard this song in years, but every time I get a moment of quiet, I hear this song playing in my mind. This is my new life’s mission.

[youtube=https://youtu.be/BWf-eARnf6U]

Resolutions 2015

30 December 20149 May 2015

The Christmas holiday rush is over. Now is the time to reflect and ponder over how you want to approach the new year. What changes do you need to make in your life? What realistic changes do you want in your life?

There are needs and then there are wants. A need is something that you need to do with your life to set it on the right track like resolving to pay all of your bills on time, or saving enough money for your emergency fund, or going to the doctor to check out that strange condition you have. A want is to lose 10 pounds before your high school reunion, or to go on a much ‘needed’ vacation to X locale. Whatever it is you resolve to do, be it a need or a want, create a plan to make it happen.

I’ve been thinking about my resolutions since Thanksgiving. I’ve already started putting my plan to work. Here’s my game plan and my resolutions.

1. It starts with a notebook.

If you want to stick to your resolutions this year, start off by getting a notebook that suits your needs. I purchased a nice Kate Spade notebook for this year’s resolutions to reflect the journey ahead. I chose this one because it was pretty to look at from the outside. I liked the simplicity of the notebook. It was wire-bound (which makes it easy to flip pages) and pretty.

I also bought a Kate Spade agenda mainly for it’s functionality for what I do. It will allow me to keep track of this year’s resolutions while making it easier to visually see upcoming events, blogging projects, and schedule games for me and the Devils’ photographers and writers (as well as my NY Rangers assignments).

This agenda was perfect for me because it has a blank monthly calendar at the beginning of each month and then a daily lined calendar following it to write in more detailed info. I’ll get into why this is important in the following points.

Agenda, $36; Notebook, $14.

2. Write out your resolutions.

There are many things you may want to resolve to do this year to improve yourself or your quality of life. Try to be realistic in those goals. Write out each resolution in your journal and then use the journal as a diary to see how you are making those resolutions happen. It’s okay to admit failure. As you go along, you may find that the resolution is no longer what you want in life. That’s okay. But if you find you still want to make that resolution come true, start finding a different way to make it happen. If at first you don’t succeed…

Here are my 2015 Resolutions:

Focus More. So much time is wasted away by focusing on everything else but the main thing. I plan on focusing more by taking these steps: 1) Deleting all Game Apps from my phone (with the exception of the Mahjongg strategy game that actually helps develop brain functionality). 2) Focus on the task in front of you so that you can complete it without any distractions (that means, if I’m writing, I need to have the TV turned off as well as the phone and any social media applications). 3. Spend down time on the commute reading books, instead of wasting time on mindless activities.
Be more in touch with humanity. One thing that bothers me is being so connected to technology that I fail to connect with actual human beings. What happened to the written card or letter in the mail? What about a phone call instead of a text message? By putting a device between us and the person we are communicating with, we’ve started to lose touch with humanity. I want to spend this year reconnecting with people. I’ve lost touch with good friends over the years. I plan on reconnecting with them next year. Everyone loves to get a card in the mail. I’ll be sending more of those out next year. Maybe I’ll even visit a few friends this year in person.
Read 52 books a year (a book a week). This resolution has fallen to the wayside in the last 2 years. In 2015, I plan on correcting that. If I want to read more youth focused books like Percy Jackson, I’ll read it. But I have to read at least 5 classics this year. Those take a little longer to read, but youth books are usually easy to breeze through. I also want to read “War and Peace” by Leo Tolstoy as my one BIG book to read throughout the year. [2014’s big read was “The Count of Monte Cristo” by Alexandre Dumas.] I’m also going back to my rewards program for each book completed. I’ll reward myself a dollar amount according to the book read and how it was acquired (if purchased, 3x cost of book; if borrowed from the library, $50; if a classic, $100.)
Buy what you need. Buy what you want only 2x a year. To combat having more than enough in the house, I want to bring back what was so special about birthdays and Christmases. Throughout the year, I’ll be making a list of the things I want and only splurging on them for the two occasions (with the exception of the new fall wardrobe in August). Throughout the year, I’ll only buy what I need (food, etc.). [Only exception to the wardrobe rule is life changes like: if I lose weight or become pregnant and need to purchase new clothes.]
$500 Emergency Every Day Fund. I want to have an ongoing $500 emergency fund for every day expenses for the ‘just in case’ I forget my lunch and need to dine out, or need to buy a book for an upcoming event, or whatever happens during the daily course of life that I did not budget for that month. This is more than enough for those items I didn’t see coming. Basically, this is the miscellaneous budget that needs to be refilled every month, not the big emergency fund.
Make a better Christmas. Throughout the year, I’ll be planning for Xmas 2015. Since my brother missed Xmas 2014 because he is deployed, 2015 will be bigger and better than ever. Throughout the year, I’ll be not only shopping for Xmas but creating a better Advent by buying gift cards for those in need. This year’s Advent will focus mainly on charity. Throughout the year, I’ll be preparing for that Advent season and Xmas. And yes, I plan on being overly generous to those in need.
Mission 40. In a couple of years, I’ll be 40. I told myself in my 20s that I would have an amazing yogalicious body by the time I was 40. I got this idea after seeing a photo of a 40-year old woman who practiced yoga. She had the most amazing body I had ever seen. I wanted to be like that when I grew up: strong, lean and healthy. So with that dream just 2 years away (did I procrastinate or what?), 2015 and 2016 will be devoted to that dream. That means living a better, healthier lifestyle dedicated to being a better yogi and athlete. That means going to the gym 3 times a week and rewarding myself monetarily with each objective (to go towards the birthday/Xmas wish list). This also means coming up with a realistic weekly plan (using the agenda). For each week I’ll state a goal on what I would like to accomplish and work towards doing that each week. The agenda will also be used to track exercise/food/water intake.
Build a better blog. I’ve actually been working on this for the last two months. A good blogger develops blogging resolutions. While I’d like to say I’d like to write every single day, some days I have too much to write about and not enough time to write about it. In other words, blogging every single day is not realistic to me. But blogging 3x a week may be more realistic for me. I want to make sure this site and my other two sites have better, qualitative content. As I evolve, so too will the blogs. I am trying to keep in mind that this is a “Diary” so I need to focus on making this more about that journey to being a more perfect me. {That’s why I’m sharing my resolutions} It’s not limited to just doing something I love like cooking or sharing journeys I’ve come across…this is also about becoming the person I envision myself to be. She’s not necessarily a perfectionist, but I want to be that perfect person I see that I have the potential to be. She is not perfect, but she is striving to be a better human being. So in the next few days you’ll see a new, revamped site.
Pay off all bills; save for down payment on new house; generate a million dollars. Everyone has some sort of financial goal. Me? I’ve got the simple, the difficult and the outrageous. Simple is paying off all bills. Difficult is saving for that down payment because I am a spender. Generating a million this next year? It’s outrageous, but I created a dream board a couple of months ago. I keep looking at it thinking I must be nuts that I want those things. But then I keep looking at that house on the beach, the view of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (from an apartment), that yogalicious body, the qualities in life, love and joy that I want and that million dollars in the making and I start to re-evaluate what I want out of life. It provides me with a mission to pursue the type of life I want. If you can dream it, only you can say yes or no to it. I choose to finally say yes to it. Every dream has its own time. Try making your own dream board. You won’t believe how it can truly change your mind about what you think you can have. It opens your mind (daily) to the possibility that those things you dream about can become yours.

3. Keep track of your resolutions.

Using the journal, I like to put down all of my ideals on how I can make those resolutions happen. I set up rules for myself. Take for instance the 52 books a year resolution. I have rules set up for how much I can earn money by reading. That money goes into a “Fantasy Wardrobe” fund. I usually throw the money I earned from this resolution towards obscene purchases like a Balmain skirt or a YSL bag. It’s my treat fund. Since I’m only buying things for my birthday and for Xmas, that is the money I’m using for whatever designer purchase I have my heart set on at that time.

I’m also setting up rules for fulfilling my Mission 40 goals. It’s better for me to set up monetary rewards than it is for something like a “spa day” or a “manicure” or whatever floats your boat on things you like. Setting up a reward I want and will appreciate will help me work towards another goal that is more satisfying than a spa day at Bliss. Who knows, that money earned could go towards a pre-birthday wardrobe (i.e. if I lost weight and dropped a few sizes, I’d need a new wardrobe…that money earned from the Mission 40 goal could go towards that new wardrobe).

I was watching “When the Game Stands Tall” and saw a neat trick the coach had his players perform. Each week they had to put their goals on an index card and read it out loud to the team. The first was their training goal. The next was their practice goal. The third was their game goal. They created weekly realistic goals and went out to accomplish each of those goals on a weekly basis.

During my first week for Mission 40, here are the goals I am setting:

1. Go to the gym 3x a week (1 day can be for golf if too sore).

2. Do 100 sit-ups; 75 push ups daily.

3. Do yoga 2x a week.

4. Eat less carbs, more fruits/vegetables, drink more water.

5. Monitor, journal all food/exercise/water.

6. Walk 10,000 steps daily.

While this may look like too much in that first week, let’s look at this realistically…

The main challenge is #1…getting to the gym. My gym is Chelsea Piers. A number of conditions can crop up in January like polar vortexes or snow storms. Those two things could prevent me from getting to the gym. There are a number of excuses I can come up with on why I can’t go to the gym…but if I make it a goal that week, I have to see to it. Maybe that first week I can get there once, what’s the back up? It’s actually everything else you see there.

Doing #2 and #6 daily…that’s still exercise I can do at home or at the office. I can go outside and walk around my neighborhood (unless there’s a major storm). In midtown NYC, I can walk underground. There are ways to stay out of the elements during the week that can net me 10,000 steps a day.

Doing #3 is actually simple for me in the AM. I just pop in the Yoga for Abs DVD and roll around in bed doing the moves (because the floor is too hard on my back).

The rest is about diet and journaling my food intake and activity.

For each weekly goal that was not accomplished, I have to re-evaluate at the end of the week what I need to change. If I can’t get to the gym 3x that week, but could make it 1x, then the next week, I will try to match that and get there 1x, but I’ll also try for 2x…and then work my way up to 3x or more. During the hockey season, more than 3x is unrealistic for me. But 1-2x is realistic.

Sometimes we set our sights too high and when it doesn’t work out we quit. Instead, after each week, re-evaluate the goal and change it into a weekly goal that is realistic for you. You’ll find that the more you work at that goal, the more you’re ready to take the next step towards a bigger goal for yourself. It takes baby steps to making a resolution work. Just remember that. Baby steps to the finish line, not leaps and bounds and then you’re magically there. It takes a lot of work to make a dream happen. Anyone that tells you otherwise is lying to you.

Notice I didn’t put “Yoga class” for that first week. Taking classes takes a lot of courage. I find that trying to just get myself into shape at the gym, doing some yoga at home, and then working up my self-esteem towards taking a class…like I said, everything takes baby steps.

What you mark out as those baby steps you write down in your journal. This is where you find your confidence to take the next step in your journey. Resolutions are really a journey in changing yourself. You have to look at it as that, or don’t bother making one.

Use your agenda to map out your weekly goals. This is a way for you to keep track of your daily progress. Log your feelings, emotions, triumphs, etc. in your journal, as well as your ideas to better yourself and your resolution. I highly recommend that Kate Spade agenda because it puts your daily/weekly/monthly agendas all in one place. If you’re like me, you need to see what is going on monthly, but you also do most of the detailed daily stuff in the weekly agenda. This agenda puts both types of calendars in 1 spot.

Keep in mind that you’re not going to achieve every goal on a weekly basis. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It just means you need to re-evaluate your game plan. The only way you will find success is in doing what works for you, not what works against you. So don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t accomplish your goal that week. Just do better the following week by re-evaluating how you can make the goal work for you. Do you need to take a step back? Do you need to push yourself more? Whatever it is, come up with a new game plan if the current week’s game plan didn’t turn out the way you hoped it would. If you accomplished all of your goals that week, reward yourself. Don’t reward yourself with something that will work against what you’re working so hard to accomplish (i.e. if you’re trying to lose weight, don’t reward yourself with an ice cream cone).

Reward yourself to a small reward like a manicure, or a new book, or do like I do…pay yourself for accomplishing your goal and save that money up for some luxury purchase you’ve been dreaming about (like a trip to South America). At least with the monetary goal, you’re using that reward towards another goal/dream in life. Out of all of the years I’ve instituted a rewards program for achieving my goals, only the monetary reward worked. As you’re working towards your goal, you can see moneywise how well you are doing by how much money you’ve earned along the journey.

4. Enjoy the ride.

Resolutions are not always a solo journey. You meet a lot of people along the way when you are working towards achieving a dream.

My 52 books a year, netted me a book club where we can discuss books together.

Mission 40, I meet new people at the gym or at the golf range all of the time.

Making a better Christmas, part of that is meeting people and knowing what their story is. My plan is to give out $200 gift cards to people I know personally that are in need and could use $200 at Xmas time. It means visiting the food pantries. It means talking to a random homeless person and understanding why they are where they are today. It means reconnecting with the world instead of judging them because of where they found themselves in life.

This Christmas, I found myself overflowing with very expensive gifts. I had over $520 in gift cards to spend at Target. I love Target, but I hate shopping there because every time I go, there’s always some family I run into that has only a few dollars to spend on food or no money to spend on a toy a child wants. They take a look at my overflowing cart and they look away ashamed that they are so poor, while I’m overflowing.

My friend told me today not to be ashamed of that cart. My heart breaks for those families, but it’s not like I’ve never shared the wealth. She told me to look at how overly generous I’ve been with so many other families. Those kids in shelters (and the foster system) that asked for extravagant gifts for Xmas this year, I bought them everything but the Xbox and the bike (I can’t ship the bike and the Xbox…for obvious reasons). I felt so bad about the bike that I sent her a collapsible scooter instead, because that was easier to ship. There are so many families I helped over the holiday season that my friend reminded me that I paid it forward well in advance of the holidays and I was overly generous to each and every child. The universe saw what I did and rewarded me handsomely for it by being overly generous to me during the holidays.

It’s in my character to give. It’s hard for me to take something for myself without feeling bad about it. My mother told me I was always like this. I was always willing to give, but when it came to getting what I wanted, I’d take into account our financial situation and pick the cheapest toy on the shelf, even if I could have the $20 Barbie doll. I’d stare at that doll longingly, but choose the toy I didn’t want because it was the least expensive item on the shelf. Even if she said I could have that Barbie doll, I’d profess I didn’t want it and walk away with the other toy. I’d do this because I take nothing for myself. When I do, there is a level of guilt there. It goes along with the Cancerian territory. It’s a trait of ours. We give of ourselves freely, but seldom take for ourselves. When we do, we feel extreme guilt.

That’s me, every single time I shop in Target. For some reason, while I’m there I always run into one of those families in need. I watch people complaining about how they can’t afford X, Y and Z bill but walk out with a $60 game or some other frivolous expense. What it reminds me of is to give freely to those who really are in there with $8 to spend on food for a family of 6, and it also reminds me how to write for people that are still searching for ways to get their lives in order.

That’s what this post is really about in the end.

Moving into 2015…

So as we move into 2015, this site will change. I’ll keep you posted on my resolutions throughout the year, because this is a diary of a perfectionist wannabe. I’m keeping the favorite topics you love here. I’ll be delving into different culinary pastures as we try to keep it in sync with my resolutions. Yes, I can be a foodie and be on a diet at the same time! I’ll show you how this year.

I’ll still be doing my arts, entertainment, reading, etc. Travel…it’s not something I’ve done much of since my surgery. I’m waiting for my wanderlust to kick back in again (plus, with the latest addition to the family being a little high maintenance, it’s a little difficult to leave him alone because he will trash the house out of anger). Plus, with saving for a house, spending $10k on travel this year just isn’t on my list of priorities. I want the house more.

Throughout the year, I’ll also be sharing tips on how I’m decluttering and reorganizing at home. I’ll also be sharing some financial tips, and sharing with you what I find and what’s working for me. In other words, this will become an all around lifestyle blog without the sports. 🙂 You’ll have to go to my hockey site for that information.

Looking forward to chatting with all of you in the new year.

xxoo,

Michelle

It’s All About the Climb

13 November 20149 April 2016

Diary Entry (11/13/2014)

I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to go back and look at the puzzle pieces in my life. I’m thankful I’ve kept this blog over the years so that I can see the life I lived. There are things I don’t understand like why I’m in this present moment, but going back and reading the entries over again, I start to remember the steps along this path.

Over this past year, I’ve been struggling with memories. I lost the majority of them after my surgery last year. I had cognitive issues prior to going into the surgery (a side effect of too much calcium in the blood). But this could also just be a side effect from the anesthesia. Who knows. All I know is my present struggle I have with both short and long term memories.

Because I know I have cognitive issues now, I’ve been taking steps to re-learn a lot of things like math. It’s hard knowing that I used to be really good at math, and now all of a sudden I don’t know how to add 2+2. I give up the second I have to multiply anything. I count using my fingers and then get so flustered when I don’t understand what comes after 11.

There are days math is simple and I feel like I’m remembering the simple math. Then there are days when it just doesn’t come to me.

The doctor says I’m too young to have Alzheimer’s. But the fact remains, something happened (or is happening).

Writing used to be extremely difficult. To combat that, I’ve been writing more and reading more. I edit more, too. I go back and read things a good 10 times before I publish. Then after I publish, I end up editing it another 3 more times. But the important thing is, practice makes perfect.

I didn’t start this post to talk about my cognitive issues. I wanted to talk about those puzzle pieces.

A few years ago, my Moroccan friend Driss told me to take a look at my life. This life is leading somewhere. I just have to figure out where it’s going. It’s apparent that all of the pieces are in place. I just have to figure out what it all means.

Going back and reading the posts over this last year when the signs kept saying “Go back to the beginning” and “Start all over again,” who knew that starting all over again would mean wiping out so many memories from before.

I even wrote about ‘Re-Branding Yourself.’ Ends up that’s what I’ve been spending a lot of time focusing on. I didn’t realize how re-branding myself would take me into a whole new territory. The direction I decided to take myself and my career ended up being a lot harder. It meant more research. It meant going out and meeting the people I need to know and learn from in order to make this next step in life. They say that when you are on your path in life, you attract the people to you that will help you along the way. The universe will drop into your lap the tools you need in order to grow.

Who knew that going to meet Anne Rice and see her speak about her own career would put me in a unique spot where I realized I’m learning about the changes in going from a hockey writer to a novelist. Hearing her editor speak alongside her helped me realize this unique opportunity to learn what it was I was writing. What set Anne aside from the rest, she was innovative. Interview With the Vampire had never been done before when it was released back in 1976. That was what made it so important.

I thought back to what I was writing and realized…this has also never been done before. As much as I complain (mainly to myself) that there is nothing out there for people like me, I realize that’s because I need to create something for people like me. If that means diving into insanity and hoping I come out alive, then so be it. That may be what it takes to write what needs to be written.

And that has turned into its own theme in the re-branding: to write what needs to be written. What I mean by that is the reason why this blog exists…to help others in the grander scheme of things. If telling a story of someone’s struggle in life in order to get to where they are today helps someone else out there, then that’s the story that needs to be told. You never know who is reading. Just being honest and truthful will help not only yourself, but others.

In the re-branding I noticed the theme in my work that was being repeated over and over again…telling the stories that will help others. Those stories are going to be my main focus.

I also wanted to make sure I had more fan engagement when it comes to hockey, so I changed the way I covered and wrote about hockey. In other words, I’m investing in the fans just as much as they invest in me and my work. I’m giving them different content, but content they will enjoy.

I’m also spending a lot more time researching different subjects pertaining to the content I’m developing. Sometimes this research is hard and difficult to absorb because of the shock that goes along with it, but it needs to be done in order to understand the bigger picture as a whole.

What this all means in the end is that for what I want in this re-brand, it takes a lot of work…much more work than I’ve ever had to do before. Things in life have always come very easily for me. This time around, I want things to be better than they ever were before. I’m branching out of my own comfort zone because I want something bigger out of life…something I’ve never had before.

As I move into the re-brand phase, I am constantly reviewing who to affiliate myself with. I’m looking for the things that are missing in this world, and I’m trying to fill it with an answer. The key to being innovative is to deliver something new to the people. Along the way, you have to pay it forward. Helping others that will help you, those are the people you work with. Most importantly, you promote people that deserve it. Just like if you deserve to be promoted, someone out there will notice your work and promote it. They’ll tell others about you and what you’ve done. Some times, word of mouth is a much louder advertising device than just an ad you pay for. Those are the people you aim to be your audience.

It’s just funny how everything changed last year and I’m now looking back and understanding that certain things had to happen the way they happened in order to push me in a new direction. Starting over again meant starting over bigger than before. That only means that it takes a lot of hard work to do what I’m trying to do. Hopefully, what I’m creating is the right thing in the long run for everyone. It’s amazing to see just what I gave up in order to push myself forward.

The road ahead requires a lot of hard work, but I’m up for the challenge. After all, if the journey isn’t difficult, when you reach the top, did it truly mean anything in the end? What every person has ever told me…it’s all about the climb.

Truly Brave

26 September 20149 April 2016

If you haven’t seen this video yet, you have to see it. Make sure you have some Kleenexes on hand.

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9fMNNsdPjU]

If this made you cry, or brought any emotion to your heart, think about donating to the cause.

Here’s Hoda Kotb’s story on why she brought these two magical women together to create a song to help raise money for childhood cancer research.

You know how your life is perfect on Monday and then on Tuesday it all falls a part? That’s what happened to me seven years ago when a doctor called me and told me I had breast cancer. I needed a mastectomy –and reconstruction. An excruciating time. I thank God that I have wonderful doctors, family, friends and faith that helped me through, but I also had something else — music. Sounds funny but those notes and lyrics soothed me and helped heal me. I am not sure what I would have done without it.

Cancer is difficult to endure as an adult. I can only imagine how tough it would be for a child – it’s such a grown-up disease. It just so happens that several years ago the TODAY Show sent me to a children’s cancer hospital for a series of stories. I was frozen at the door… did not want to walk inside. I guess I was just afraid to see so much pain. But with one glimpse of the first child I saw there, another feeling washed over me. I was feeling hopeful, almost joyful.

An estimated 10,450 new cases and 1,350 cancer deaths are expected to occur among children (ages 0-14) in 2014. I want to do everything I can to prevent cancer from taking these young lives. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a nurse, but I want to do what I can. To lift their spirits and help these kids heal, I’m joining forces with Sara Bareilles and Cyndi Lauper to create a song and concert just for them. Please hear our song and donate to the American Cancer Society by clicking on the “Donate” or “Fundraise” buttons. You can also make a donation by calling the American Cancer Society at 1-800-227-2345. When calling, please specify that you’d like to donate to the Shine A Light campaign. All proceeds will go to grants for pediatric cancer research. Together, we can help prevent this disease from taking more young lives.

You can donate money by going to Hoda’s fundraising page by clicking HERE.

One of the little girls in the video (the one in the purple shirt) is NFLer Devon Still’s 4 year old daughter. Today, she went in for surgery to have the tumor, lymph nodes and adrenal gland removed. Her surgery was very successful, but it’s far from over. Part of the cancer is in her bone marrow, so she is still in need of more treatment.

It is heartbreaking to see these little ones with cancer. They should be having the time of their lives, enjoying childhood, not sick in a hospital bed. Like Hoda, I know what it is like to have cancer and live with it as an adult. These little ones with cancer just truly break your heart. Hopefully one day we’ll see an end to childhood cancer.

As I write that, I think of the little boy I met at the pediatric hospital in Ottawa when the NHL introduced the hospital’s new playroom. This one child with cancer, the cutest little guy in the group, had taken a liking to the mascot from the Vancouver Canucks. All throughout the press conference, including Gary Bettman’s speech, he sat there talking to the mascot. It was the cutest little thing ever.

The mascots let me take a photo of all of them with the little boy.

I kept running into the little guy as we went from the cafeteria to the playroom. He was adamant about wanting to push the button on the elevator, so we let him. He just put a smile on everyone’s face. He was so precious. Yet, he is just an example of being Truly Brave. It didn’t matter that he was sick. He was being Brave for all of us.

Things My Grandfather Taught Me That Made No Sense to Me as a Kid

9 May 201212 October 2016

Growing up, I always thought my grandfather did weird things. He recycled those styrofoam containers from food packaging and used them as plates. He swore by apple cider vinegar like it was the cure-all for everything. He gardened, canned, took care of bees, made his own mead, did pottery, rarely if ever watched television, and was always outside.

He wrote letters and took photos. He traveled all over.

He owned half of Indianapolis, buying up homes in the poorest neighborhoods. He rented them out to the poor on a rent to own basis.

He wasn’t a Christian man, even though his kids were. You try to convert him and he would just laugh in your face. All he would say was that when I was older, he would tell me what he believed.

He dated the same woman for 30+ years and never married her. To me, that black lady was my grandma, you couldn’t tell me otherwise…even though she never lived with my grandfather.

These days, when I look at those styrofoam containers, I think of how it’s such a hazardous waste. Then I think about how my grandfather reused them again and again like plates. Granted, I can’t bring myself to do it, but I always think of how eco-conscious my grandfather was decades before being eco-friendly was cool.

I think about how important gardening and canning was to him, just like I do now when I plant herbs and can the summer bounty from the farmer’s market.

I think of him every time I pour honey into my coffee, and how I used to go out and he would show me how bees made honey and how to collect the honey.

I always think of him every single time I pour apple cider vinegar on my food to settle my stomach or use it to clean the house or fix some health issue.

I definitely think of him every single time I get sick and drink hot water with fresh lemon mixed with honey. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better.

When I think about investing for my future and making sure that I always have income coming in, I think of how my grandfather did it. He spent money on only the things that brought him happiness (like food or spending time with his family), and invested everything else in the community. I think of how I should invest in the poor in order to help the community. I think of buying property and ‘renting to own’…especially in this economy where banks are rarely loaning out money to anyone.

When I think of God and religion, I realize that none of his beliefs made sense until I realized just how alike my grandfather and I are. He taught me the secrets of the universe. He helped me unlock that treasure trove of information in order to live the most amazing life possible.

Along with that…he helped me to find HAPPINESS.

Happiness does not lie in any religion. Happiness lies in that connection with God. When you realize through God anything is possible…you embark on an incredible journey in life. You don’t need religion, because you’ve evolved beyond the need for it.

You’re not searching for God, because you’ve already found him. And if you’re very lucky, you get to meet the mother. You know, that goddess that NO ONE talks about.

You know what God looks like. You know what powers and treasures are awarded in that connection with the Father. He’s always talking to you, and you’re always listening. You don’t even have to say a word…he knows all. His solution to any problem you may have is much better than any solution you could ever come up with yourself.

If you want to feel love, peace, joy and happiness in the purest of forms the same way a baby feels those emotions, you have to be continuously connected to God. He gives you all of those things.

My grandfather lived his life only keeping the things that were sentimental to him like photos of the family (alright, if I’m going to be honest here…19 photos of me and only 3 of my brother), his favorite easy chair, a blanket my mother knitted for him, a chair his girlfriend gave to him, and the basic things that were needed to furnish a home.

He did not live in excess. He lived with what he needed, because it was the only thing he wanted.

He never had a cell phone or a computer. If he had a TV or DVD player, it was because one of his kids bought it for him for Christmas.

He found peace in creativity by creating pieces of pottery or working with ceramics.

The moments in life he enjoyed were those moments when he would sit next to me and tell me stories from the Great Depression and the World Wars. He’d tell me the stories of the history of our family.

The moments in life I enjoyed with him were those moments when I would make him sit on the couch and read the funnies to me on Sunday mornings. I enjoyed those stories he told to me of the past. I used to sit next to him and tell him stories about Paris or Thailand or Japan…all the places he sent me to. I would paint that world I had seen and watch his eyes light up as he imagined the places I had seen, the things I had done, and the food I had tasted.

Those adventures he experienced were through my tales, until one day I said to him, right before my high school graduation as he was getting ready to prepare his Will, that we only have one life to live in this lifetime. He should go out and do anything and everything he ever dreamed of doing. I told him to sell all of the houses he rented, including the ones that he kept in the family, because I didn’t want any of them when he passed away.

I told him that he should go out and see the world while he could. Do everything and anything he ever dreamed of doing. What would happen if he found out that this was the only life he had and he never truly lived it?

I went off to college that fall and he decided to take my advice. He sold all of the homes (except the one he lived in) and spent the rest of his life traveling all over the world (before he got sick with cancer). He traveled to the places I had been. He tried all of the things I had tried. He went to see that world I had painted for him…and he fell in love with it.

While I was in college, our stories were shared through letters. He wrote of the places he had been, the things he had seen, the food he had tasted. He always sent photos to me in his letters.

During the holidays and summer breaks, we would sit at the table and talk about life, and he would give me all of the details of everything I had missed out on.

After he died, I learned of all of the things he had tried to protect me from. He always wanted me to focus on the good, but he made sure to warn me of the dangers that lay ahead for me when it came to the family. I think he knew I would be cast out the second he died. He was right. They cast me out before he took his last breath.

He had warned me what would happen and that he didn’t stand for it. Because he knew that I would be excommunicated by the family, he constructed his Will to inform them that he had cut them all off. He then left instructions with the executor of the estate to make sure my brother and I were taken care of. He tried to hide that fact from the rest of the family so that the pain I would endure from them would not be so great.

It’s funny that my grandfather did his big f*ck you to the family when he died. I remember when someone in the family would walk up and hear him telling me stories from the old days, they would ask, “Why didn’t I ever know about this?”

He would stop telling the story after he realized someone else was listening. It was as if he didn’t want anyone to know because it was our secret. It was the same with his brother, they would both sit around telling stories to me from the War and Great Depression. The second someone else wanted to listen in, they grew quiet.

In his death, I saw the whole picture as clearly as he wanted to paint it for me, but didn’t want me to see while he still lived. I saw how my aunt was jealous of our relationship. She wanted that type of relationship with him. She would always say all throughout that week after his death, “There is nothing special about you.”

I sat there and listened to her and my family condemn my grandfather’s soul to hell because he didn’t believe in their religion. Everyone expected me to get up and say something. I just sat there, because I knew if I got up, I would have condemned them all to hell, locked the doors and burned the place to the ground with all of them in it.

The sad thing is…we knew they would do this…condemn his soul to hell (and this was before they found out about the Will).

My brother left the family because of everything in the end. He always tried to stay out of it, but then he realized that I never fought back. I never corrected anyone when they told lies about me. I never stood up for myself. I never said anything.

He sat through one too many dinners before he realized he couldn’t take it anymore. He had heard enough of them speaking ill of me. His point was…I had done nothing to hurt them. I had never sinned against them.

This was that green monster called jealousy that had taken over. It’s the kind of jealousy that has someone saying, “There’s nothing special about you.”

I actually felt bad for all of them. They had no comprehension of the great sin they had committed against me. I felt their pain in what my grandfather did to protect me. It was his way of saying that despite what was about to happen, I wasn’t alone and he needed me to understand that.

I learned after his death that my grandmother didn’t come around much when the family was around because my aunt is racist. She forbade my grandfather from bringing his girlfriend to her wedding, because ‘what would her friends say about her father dating a black woman.’ He never forgave her for that or the subsequent racist remarks that followed.

My aunt got her other siblings on board with this…making it a controversial thing if my grandmother came by for dinner or any event. I was always asking why I couldn’t see her more. I didn’t learn until after my grandfather’s death why that was the case.

During his funeral I told the family what they were doing wasn’t right. They refused to acknowledge the person that my grandfather spent so many years with. She nursed him when he was sick. She loved him when no one else did. She brought him so much happiness. If they loved my grandfather…why couldn’t they love her?

Oh, that was definitely more fodder for me to get tossed out of the family.

It’s been 5 years since my grandfather died. He would have been 85 this past Sunday. One thing I’ve learned from my grandfather since he died is how to live.

At the Meditation Center, one of my friends said to me that there is a presence that follows me around. It’s a good presence. When I told them about my grandfather, they said that was the presence they felt. He’s always looking after me.

Truth is, I feel him there all of the time. Each time I eat an apricot, I think of him and how he would always buy me dried apricots when I came to visit him. Each time I do something eco-friendly, I think of how he had taught me how to be green when I was a kid. When I stand in various places around the world, I have that moment where I wish he could see what I am seeing…and then I feel him standing next to me taking in Prague from the old castle walls in Vysehrad.

When they give me foreign coins when I travel, I always look at them and smile. I think of how I’m continuing the adventure and the stories my grandfather and I used to tell to each other.

When I’m sitting in front of the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris watching the tourists walk by, I can see images from the past of the time my grandfather stood in front of the cathedral in his French beret…a tradition he picked up and continued until he passed away. I have that photo sitting on top of my refrigerator in my French themed kitchen.

When I realize how incredible this dream has been over the years, I am always surprised that it all started when he died. He gave me the secrets on how to unlock and live your dreams in the most amazing ways. It was the greatest gift anyone could have given to me.

More importantly, he showed me the way to finding God. He led me there. I remember sitting in the Meditation Center a year after his death saying, “So you’re telling me that what I’ve known my entire life is really the truth? I’m not crazy?” The sister laughed at me and said, “No, you’re not crazy.”

I always wondered who I got all of this spiritual stuff from and the evolved consciousness of being. I got them all from my grandfather. He was just like me.

We have evolved in ways that most people do not understand. Just like he could see what would happen in the future and plan for that day, I had the same gift.

He had the ability to hear what is not being said. When someone speaks to us, if they lie, we only hear the truth. If they try to skirt around the truth, we still hear and see the truth as clear as day.

There are other abilities that my grandfather did not have that I have…like the ability to manipulate the universe around me, to make people do what I want them to do without saying a word…I can just push the thought into their head and they do it. I have the ability to walk into a knife fight and calm everyone down. They immediately forget why they were mad to begin with.

At the Meditation Center, they help me to harness the power of my mind because it was becoming too powerful and things were overflowing. I felt like I was going crazy. It was too much. The power I had inside of me, made me feel like I was going nuclear.

Sometimes not understanding what one is can be dangerous. After you learn who you are and how you have evolved as a human being, you start to take the steps in a direction to learn how to control the things that you can do that nobody else has the answer to.

The sisters at the Center used to watch me meditate. They wanted to see where I went when I talked to God. One sister watched me and went into my mind to see where I was going. She saw me sitting in the garden talking to God.

When I came out of the meditation she asked me where I was. I said I was speaking with God. She smiled and said, “You were in the garden.” In Indian lore, there is only one garden. In Christianity, it’s called the Garden of Eden. The only way anyone could enter into that garden today…they would have had to have been there before and be without sin in order to enter into it. Their soul would have to be PURE.

The sisters told me, “You are special.”

They didn’t say this because it’s one of those meditative…everyone is special moments. They said I was different than anyone that had ever walked through their doors before. Most people have to learn how to connect with God. They don’t walk in from off the street and already know God and his ways. To them, I was fulfilling a prophecy. It was a sign to them that a new age is being ushered in.

I am thankful to the sisters there for helping me to control what I can do. I’ve always had issues with anger and someone dropping dead (by an act of God…like a heart attack) because they pissed me off to the nth degree. They taught me how to use these abilities for good and to change the world for the better. In other words, I don’t get mad like I used to.

They taught me the things I needed to know that my grandfather had unlocked for me. They taught me how to live the dream. They taught me how I could change the world. They gave me the tools I needed to do those things.

I was able to finally not feel conflict from what my family and their religion said was God. I was free. I knew who God was all along. I’ve been talking to him my entire life.

I remember telling my father the things I learned. At one point I felt what he was feeling, that fear that I was right and everything he knew and believed in was wrong. I felt that hint of jealousy that I knew God and he didn’t. He didn’t even feel an ounce of what I felt – that joy, peace and happiness. I had found that connection he had been looking for his entire life. He was afraid to admit that maybe that religion he engrossed himself in was wrong.

But like all Christians, he immediately said I was worshipping the Devil. No one can talk to God, so I must be talking to the Devil. They have to go through Jesus Christ. I then responded, “Why do I have to go through my brother to talk to you when I can just call you and talk to you myself?” [Yep, he was pissed at me after I said that, because I made my point.]

The thing is, my Dad knows that I’m a little different. He always looked at me with a fear of God in his eyes, because he knew I could see right into his soul and it scared the hell out of him.

In his world, I had to be quiet about the things I could do. It was whispered. Everyone was afraid. They walked on eggshells around me. No one ever wanted to make me angry, because they knew that God was siding with me.

But these days, those things that I could do and had to keep quiet about…I now can do without feeling remorse or that I’m going to be burned at the stake for being a witch, because they don’t understand that this is the next step in evolution.

My grandfather and my mother knew that I would do something great for the world one day. Believe it or not, I already put my plan into motion.

When I wrote “A New Heaven,” I was honest about what was going on in my world and what I was going to do next. That post is being passed around and finding itself at the top of search engines everywhere. You think God has his hand in that? I think he’s getting the message out…this is the plan.

We have to be the change we seek in the world. It starts from within. This is the plan I’ve put into motion to bring a New Heaven into this world.

This is what I mean by living. This is the path my grandfather had always seen that I would take. His investment in me at a young age…he had his reasons. He saw what I would become and that was why I was special to him. This was his gift to the world. He was preparing me for the world I was about to change.

That person he saw in me, I strive to be her every single day. It’s a never ending learning process…just like this month’s lesson is all about my intuition. If God said it’s happening…you best believe it is happening.

This is my blind faith…I do what God wants me to do and don’t question it. I go along for the ride, knowing that if I ask too many questions, it will only drive me crazy. I should just enjoy the moment, because I have faith that whatever God has planned for me is much better than anything I could ever dream up. That is my blind faith in God.

I have not put blind faith in man and his religion. I have put blind faith in God. I’ve learned that was the best decision. That’s the #1 thing that my grandfather taught me that didn’t make sense until I was older.

The Septembers of Shiraz

24 April 200916 August 2023

I just finished reading “The Septembers of Shiraz” by Dalia Sofer. It really made me think a lot about religion, privileges and circumstances.

I’ve learned over the past few years that it is difficult to be friends with people that are not in the same class as you financially. The main reason has a lot to do with how money makes others feel.

For those who have abundance and can buy their own freedom, they can’t trust those who do not have these same privileges. Why? Because the green eyed monster can take its toll. In places like Iran (where the setting in this book takes place) where the mullahs rule, having abundance is looked down upon.

They will rob a man who worked hard to have the finer things in life. They will say that they have a right to those things. They take from others what they did not earn. They justify their thievery by saying that someone who worked hard for those things did not deserve them.

The thing is, we see this everywhere. People who are less fortunate blaming those who are fortunate and worked hard. That’s not to say that everyone doesn’t work hard. It’s just sometimes people think that people that are more fortunate didn’t earn it or work hard for it. We all do…but the type of labor performed is different in every circumstance.

Some people work 18 hour days and even though they have a family, they are married to their work moreso than to their own families. They miss out on that treasure because they’ve determined that providing for them was more important then nurturing them.

Others make their family their priority, and in some people’s eyes, that makes that family the richest family around. Some people can’t have a family, so seeing a couple with a few kids running around will make them a little bit jealous.

What one man’s fortune is can be different for the next man. It doesn’t always involve money. Being fortunate requires a lot of work in life (no matter how it’s performed). We oftentimes give up one thing so that we can have another thing.

I gave up the thoughts of getting married and having a family of my own because I was more fortunate in my career. I’m already well aware that if I were to have a family I would have to choose whether to give up my career or let my children be raised by nannies. With the way my life has been going, it’s better to just forego making that decision and continue doing what I’m doing…that is until God changes my circumstances.

A lot of people assume I’ve always had money. The truth is…there was a time when I had to hit rock bottom in life and try to be the starving artist in order to realize what it was I wanted out of life. I remember how my diet consisted of chicken broth (which ironically is still the case but that’s due to different circumstances).

During that time, I didn’t have a choice…I could only afford chicken broth. Now, it is a choice.

I always like to remind myself of where I came from and how I rose above those circumstances to be where I am today. I was fortunate in my path in life. But this is my path. It is not meant to be traveled upon by anyone else but me.

We make choices as we go along this path in life. We have a choice of suffering or letting go of the suffering and realizing that we don’t have to suffer in life. We are in charge of our own life and the choices we ultimately make. Paulo Coelho’s “The Alchemist” is a great example of this.

When people allow jealousy in to dictate how they will treat the next person…it’s not right. Shakespeare did not call it the green eyed monster for nothing! Jealousy is a monster. It changes people. It makes them bitter, evil and mean. It does not serve anyone any good to be jealous. It only promotes more hate in the world.

The “Septembers of Shiraz” really made me think a lot about life and our circumstances. It’s not just a story of a Jew that is thrown in prison by mullahs in Iran. It has a lot of deep meaning to it.

It also really made me dislike religions even more. It’s just amazing how much hate is spread if you believe differently then the next person. To be ridiculed, tortured and forced to believe in something you don’t is to me…absolutely STUPID. Can’t we all just get along?

You believe how you want to believe. I’ll believe how I want to believe. The only thing we can agree on…is just being neighborly. Love your neighbor as you love yourself.