Tag Archives: life

The Moments that Bring Us Back

We walk through life trying to go from one day to the next.  For some, it is easier than others.  There are those that put life on auto-pilot, becoming accustomed to having a normal life just like everyone else.  Then, there are the ones that struggle every single day just to make it through the day.

Yesterday was a sorrowful day as we learned that the world lost an incredible musical talent, Chris Cornell.  For those who grew up during the grunge era, bands like Soundgarden, Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots and Pearl Jam were very much a part of our everyday soundtrack.

I mentioned to Jimmy Murphy that Audioslave’s “Like a Stone” reminded me of a time in my life that I never wanted to go back to.  It was a moment in my life where I had one of those AHA! moments.  Murph wrote this piece on what Cornell’s music meant to him and sent it to me.  The one sentence that caught my attention was this: “But what moments like this do, is they trigger our memories and bring us to certain chapters in our lives.”

I told Murph that I thought about writing something about that moment, which I was reluctant to do.  He told me to do it.  So here I am.

“Like a Stone” is about death and living.  From the first note until the last, you can see the brilliance of what made Soundgarden and Alice in Chains such incredible bands.  Cornell has this magic of telling his tale, wrapping his voice around your heart by pulling you in, keeping his audience completely mesmerized by the spell he is weaving with his voice.  That is what makes him so magical.

If you’ve read Mitch Albom’s “The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto” you’ll understand what I mean by magical.  Music has this ability to create legendary creatures like Prince, Michael Jackson, Mozart, Beethoven, Scott Weiland, Kurt Cobain and Chris Cornell.  They don’t just create music, they create magic within their music.

In this particular chapter in my life that I am writing about today, the song “Like a Stone” was playing on the radio back in 2004.  I was standing in my cottage in Indianapolis listening to it, when I all of a sudden came face to face with everything that was going on inside of me and realized I deserved something better.

Working for the government, getting crap for pay with a student loan payment I couldn’t afford, barely able to afford food, I knew I had to change my financial situation.  I was battling with a rocker over the things that were not said between us.  He broke my heart, acted like a jerk about it, but kept reeling me in only to throw me away again.  I was drowning in the emotional misery he was putting me through.  How can I try to be his best friend when he lied to me from the very beginning?  I closed my wounded heart to him and he kept pecking at it over and over again, trying to rip the wound open.  He was destroying me inside.  He was the first guy I fell in love with after losing my soulmate back in 1994.

Which now brings us to Kevin.  He is the one that broke me.  He took part of my soul with him when he put a bullet into his heart.  In the exact moment he died, I felt a part of my soul rip from me.  My mind screamed his name and I had no idea why until the next morning when I found out he committed suicide.

You don’t ever get over losing your soulmate.

I spent my college years walking through life as a ghost.  I felt half empty and completely lost.  Everything I envisioned for myself, I buried with Kevin as they lowered him into his grave.  I did not know who to be or what I wanted out of life.  Life literally had no meaning for me.

Those couple of years I wound up back in Indiana was rock bottom for me.  Sure, I had a well respected career both in the government and outside of it.  I was in the papers every week.  People wanted to work with me from one project to the next.  I had the respect of my community.

I had all of that and it did not fill that emptiness inside of me.  I felt nothing.  There was no exhalation of a job well done after each event.  It was just one thing to cross off the list and move onto the next.  I did not take joy in any of my accomplishments, because all I could see was my sorrow.

I hung out with a lot of bands and musicians during this time in my life.  I would help them out however I could just so I could get on their guest list, because I couldn’t afford to pay to see them.  I tried to support my friends by driving all over the place, even flying to California for the biggest gig of their life, because that is the person I am.  I may have struggled to pay for all of that, but I found a way, sometimes doing whatever side jobs I could get my hands on.

Believe it or not, there are a few songs out there about me from this moment in my life.  I think the best one was from Josh Holmes.  I heard he never plays that song live.  As one of his fans put up on his site, “Whoever that song is about, she must have been someone wonderful.”

The song is about our breakup.  It was about how he had fallen and how I had broken his heart.  I never told anyone what happened.  They just knew we broke up.  That song though, is about that final conversation and how it changed him into a better person.  As we were breaking up, he threatened me and said that I would come back to him just like all of the other girls did.  He could hear me crying through the phone when I said, “You’re wrong.  I’m not coming back.”  [That’s the part of the song where he says, “Who was I to sit there and make you cry and think you’d come back to me.”]

He learned the hard way.  I never came back.  He became a ghost to me.  He opened for a very famous act one night months later.  I was there because I was asked to be there for the main act.  I was hanging out with the band when he came over and sat right next to me.  I pretended like he wasn’t even there.  And yeah…that moment made it into the song.  The band was well aware of what was going on.  I remember the lead singer remarking on how guys should never piss me off.  He said it was so blatant someone was trying to get my attention and kept looking at me and I pretended like he didn’t even exist. [“Until which time I became a ghost, without ever knowing why.”]

And don’t think this ex didn’t try to start a fight at another gig.  He said something horrible about me to the rocker he eventually lost me to and a fight almost broke out.  It was probably the absolute worst time he could have said something to him, because we weren’t in a good place at that time.  It was right after I found out about the girl he was hiding from me.

The song Josh wrote is called “Grounded” from his Table 4 One album.  [You can find it on streaming services just about everywhere.  Download it.  Help the guy make some money off of that song.  It’s really good.]  Our final conversation to each other was the conversation that made him think about what I had said and why I was walking away.  I left him so he would learn to become a better man.  I was teaching him a life lesson by breaking his heart.

 

Getting back to the other rocker.  We never got past the lie.  One of his friends ratted him out.  She told me everything.  It was difficult trying to move forward when we felt so strongly about each other.  But the fact remained that one of us had been wounded.  The next year was a roller coaster.  I tried to keep my distance, but tried to be a friend when he needed me.  He would call me out on reeling in my feelings when he knew there was more there.  He would get frustrated with me when he’d call me at my office.

I was planning on moving to California and he was apparently following me, but that’s not how he worded it to me.  I was always planning on going to Cali.  I told him that when we met.  After a few months, he told me ‘Surprise, I’m moving to Cali, too!’  It was nice knowing that I would know someone there.  I had no idea he told his friends that if that was where I was going, then that was where he was going.

I think if he had told me the truth from the beginning, my fate line would be very different.  I would probably be in California right now instead of New York.  The lie was difficult to stomach.  I didn’t speak to him for three months after I found out.  He kept his distance, and I eventually forgave him.  But then he tried to spin another lie with me in it.  I knew the truth now, but the other girl didn’t.

To this day, he still writes songs about me and still sings songs about me.  Out of all the girls, I’m the one the songs are still about.  The ones in recent years have been a bit mean and nasty.  Even the bootleg stuff makes its way to me and I sit there like…you son of a bitch.

He can blame me for leaving all he wants, he just refuses to take a moment and look at what he did that caused me to leave.  “Like a Stone” is what gave me the courage to look at all of this bullshit in my life and decide that I deserved a better life.  I stood in my home that day realizing that if I did not leave, this man would destroy me.  I could not keep going back and forth with him on this roller coaster ride of emotions.  I needed to be lost in a sea of people where he had no presence so that I could heal.

Getting over him was not easy.  It took me eight years to get over him.  That was eight years too long.  It’s funny that when Death was knocking at my door, telling me to rid my soul of things I should not take with me when I die, he showed me this guy.  This guy that hurt me worse than anyone had ever hurt me.  He told me to forgive him, but more importantly to forgive myself for hurting him because I left.

That trip to Italy in 2012 was one of the craziest trips I ever embarked upon.  Not so often do you feel Death following you around everywhere.  After I received Death’s message, I began to see the life I should have had…that life with him.  That cafe in Positano…I should not have been eating solo.  I should have been enjoying Italy with this man.

But it was that day in 2004 that I made the choice I made.  I realized I couldn’t do this life with this man anymore.  I had to escape.  Thirteen years later and I can honestly tell you that I still do not regret leaving.  I left for ME.  I made the decision that day to do something for ME.  I was going to save myself.

Around this time, I read Oscar Wilde’s “The Picture of Dorian Gray.”  I saw myself as Basel, and the rocker as Dorian.  I saw that if I did not escape, I would wind up just like Basel…completely destroyed by the one I loved.  The crazy thing though is that I never wanted to love this guy.  It was just something that happened.  I knew from the beginning he would end up hurting me.  But you can’t tell your heart who to love and who not to love.  It just loves, no matter how much you tell your heart, ‘he’s going to destroy you.’  It doesn’t care.

Do I regret falling in love with that guy?  No.  Thirteen years later I realize that he had to break me the way that he did.  He may be the guy I’ll love until the day I die, but I will never forget how he hurt me.  That is something I knew he would do from the very beginning.  I just could not prevent the heartbreak.

What that heartbreak did for me was push me in the direction I needed to go in my life.  It put me back on my path in life.  It helped me to find myself and the person I had lost so long ago.  It taught me to love myself first and damned if I would ever let anyone get that close to me again.

That heartbreak will lead to some fictional book someday.  Maybe.  Or maybe it will help my readers understand how each female character survives in the end and why she makes the choices she makes.  Sometimes choosing love, you have to choose wisely.  I chose to love myself, not him in the end.  He was careless with my heart, ergo he had no right to it anymore.

I read “The Heart” by Maylis de Karangal recently.  I picked it up knowing it would lead me to some unanswered question about Kevin when I came upon it.  It was the story the mother was telling of a boy who loved a girl.

“They used to stay up late, talking into the night while the house was asleep, and maybe they would even whisper I love you, not really knowing what it was they were saying, only that they were saying it to each other, that was what mattered, because Juliette – Juliette was Simon’s heart.”  

It reminded me of my moments with Kevin and how we stayed up late talking about everything.  He let me into his world, teaching me about skateboarding and bands like Nirvana, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden.  We would talk about life.  We would talk about death.  We would talk about Heaven and Hell, religions of the world. We would talk about God and angels.  But never did we talk about what was happening in his home.  He never told me about the beatings…those bruises that he told me came from a skateboard mishap.

“Black Hole Sun” became part of our soundtrack.  A book on Vampyres wound up in my personal library a decade after we buried him.  And a Dragonfly would become the symbol of us and who we’ve become as we walk along two different sides of the veil…a symbol of things to come and to remember who we were.

“The Heart” brought me back to him, remembering the day of his funeral and his mother telling me, “You have no idea how much he loved you.”  In “The Heart,” the mother ponders if Juliette will ever love again after her son dies.  I never felt so connected to Kevin’s mother until I read that part of the book.  I wondered if she ever pondered that same question about me.

Kevin put a bullet into his heart in the month of May in 1994.  Chris Cornell also died by his own hands in the month of May in 2017.

Reading about “The Heart” and knowing how Kevin put a bullet into his heart and reading how “Juliette was Simon’s heart,” I realized the symbolism in all of this and it made me sad.  I was his heart, yet he put a bullet into his own heart.

Over these last 23 years, I learned to love Kevin in ways I never imagined anyone could love someone.  He’s not even here, but I think of him every single day and love him just a little bit more each day.  If I am his heart, that means it is still beating and it still beats for him.

After listening to Soundgarden, Chris Cornell and Audioslave all day yesterday, I left the office ready to walk into that mess that is Times Square just a few hours after a doped up idiot ran his car into a young girl, killing her and injuring 20+ people.  Just as I stepped out onto the sidewalk to join the passerbys, a gigantic dragonfly came right up to me and then flew off.

This is Manhattan.  Dragonflies are practically non-existent in the city.  To run right into one after all that happened yesterday, I knew something was up in the universe.  That dragonfly is a symbol of me and Kevin.  I was so flustered as I walked down the street, lost in what just happened when I saw my name written on the sidewalk.  I’ve walked by this spot a million times over the years and I have never once seen my name written on the sidewalk.

I knew this meant something.  The universe was trying to get my attention.  I looked up what the symbolism of dragonfly meant and this is what I found: The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.

That moment Murph mentioned that we come back to…it brought me back to my two loves in life and the love I ultimately chose.  I walked away from the misery and chose to save myself.  I chose learning how to live without my soulmate.  I chose learning to love myself.  I chose to let go of a world that was destroying me in order to find a better life.  I found a better life and I don’t regret the decision I made.  It hurt me more knowing that I hurt him, but I had to do it in order to save myself.

Maybe one day he’ll write a better song about me.  Maybe he’ll forgive me one day.  I just hope he found the silver lining in my leaving, because it is what it is what it is.  Who knows?  Maybe one day we can move past the lie and try again.  I don’t know what the future holds, but maybe that dragonfly was a sign of things to come…a change for the better.

 

What Makes God Happy?

I don’t often share my meditations anymore, but I thought I would share this one, just because it really makes you think outside of yourself.  This is about finding a way to be happy by thinking beyond just yourself.

Usually when we speak to God, whether through prayer or meditation, it is always about what we want. We are always asking for this, that and the other, never stopping to ask God how was his day.  How many of us really take the time to ask God how he’s doing?  How many of you ever have?

When I started off my meditation the other night, I asked him, “What do you want me to know?”  [As in, what should we talk about that concerns me?]  Then I stopped and said, “Wait.  That is selfish of me.  Let’s try something else.  Tell me…what makes you happy?”




I honestly don’t think anyone has ever asked God that.  Sure, in many religions, someone will say we should do things that will make God happy with us.  Asking about God’s happiness is always centered on a selfish reason, like ‘are you happy with me?’  Are we doing good things in God’s eyes?  It is always a self reflection of ourselves, rather than just asking God…what is good or what makes him happy.

So what did God reveal when asked this question?  The answer is much simpler than you can ever imagine.  Here are a few examples of what makes God happy…

  • The laughter of a child.
  • Playing games with your child, chasing them around outside.
  • Sitting down, talking, sharing and laughing with good friends.
  • The sun shining on your face.
  • Counting the stars in the sky.
  • Lying down in the grass, watching the clouds go by next to the person you love (like your child).
  • The person you love (like your child) wrapping their arms around you and leaning their head against your chest.
  • A hug from someone you love (like your child).

There is a common theme in all of this.  The first one being that none of the things that makes God happy centers around material things.  Not a single thing above deals with objects.  Instead, it deals with people and nature.  God’s happiness is found in sharing love with those around you and finding peace in nature.




These examples are all very simplistic moments, but they are all things that we take for granted each and every day.  We take for granted how it feels to hold someone you love.  We don’t take time to meet with friends to talk and laugh together in an outside environment, enjoying the peace and tranquility of nature.  We don’t chase after our kids and play with them outside.  How many of us sit down and even look at the stars every night?  [Those of us who live in the city don’t even have the luxury of seeing stars in the sky.]

Can you remember the last time you laid down in the grass and watched the clouds floating by?  I think it’s been decades ago for me.

When you truly think about doing those things (and the last time you actually did them), did it bring a moment of happiness to your heart?  Remember when those moments were so pure, innocent and peaceful?  Those are the moments that make God happy.

Thinking of those examples, when you want to find your own moment of happiness, ask God what makes him happy.  Truly open your mind to see what it reveals.  If that moment brings you a little bit of love, peace and happiness, hold onto that happy thought.

Take that happy thought and go one step further.  When it comes to service, think of the things that make God happy and using that as a guideline, consider thinking of what will make others happy.  Do things for others that will truly make them happy (note that this has nothing to do with material things).

Spend time with the people you love.  I mean, really go outside and spend time with them.  Don’t bring your devices with you to distract you.  Disconnect from technology so you can relearn how to connect with each other.  Those are the moments both you and your loved ones are going to remember for the rest of your lives.

This is how you create happiness.  True happiness comes from a place of love.




In the Grand Scheme of Things

After my meditation, I found how easily my world changed around me.  I went to take the trash out and noticed a dog waiting outside of my door with his owner.  It was like he was waiting for me to come out.  I had never seen him before.  I know a lot of the dogs in the neighborhood.  This one, I did not know.

I put the trash on the curb, and the dog came over as if to say good morning.  I felt like this was the universe saying good morning in the happiest way possible.  The owner of the dog was just beaming.

On the way to the train, I noticed an old man sitting in a potted plant doing his #2 business.  I had never seen anyone do that before.  He waved at me as I was passing by and said, “Good morning!” in a very cheery tone.  I didn’t know what to say, so I said good morning back.

I got a block away before I realized…ok…you can’t help but laugh at something like that.




One moment after another was just one more moment of happiness to add to the list.

Embracing God’s happiness and keeping the thoughts of what makes him happy does bring happiness into your own life in incredible ways.  It is like the universe conspires to bring happiness right to your door.

Just seeing that dog sitting in front of my door waiting for me to come out…that, to me, was the universe winking back at me.  That is the kind of life I like to live, one where the universe conspires to bring happiness into my life in all the little moments out there.




 

Make Everyone Happy: Remembering Gene Wilder

wilderYesterday, we lost Gene Wilder.  He was 83 years old when he passed away.

For many people, he brought laughter and many smiles that reached down deep into the very heart of mankind.  He touched our souls and filled it with happiness.  His character, Willy Wonka, became a part of that very fond story every child remembers from their childhood.

Depending on when you were born and your first Wilder movie, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, The World’s Greatest Lover, or Stir Crazy, they became the movies you fondly remember of Gene Wilder.  Whichever movie is the movie that made you laugh in wonder for the very first time, that laughter and happiness is what he carries with him as his soul goes forward.

Gene Wilder’s movies, just like Robin Williams’ movies, were very much a part of my childhood.  They created movies in a new way, creating fond memories that people still hold close to their hearts.  Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor were my modern day childhood version of Bing Crosby and Jerry Lewis and the legendary team of Abbott and Costello (and yes, I saw all of these films as a kid).

Losing Gene Wilder brings great sorrow to my heart.  I plan on binging on his movies after I finish my current binge.

[For those with DirecTV and cable, you’ll find many of his movies available for free On Demand.  Movie channels are also notorious for changing their programming to allow people to binge watch an actor’s movies after they have passed away (and on the anniversary of their death if they were popular and missed – like Robin Williams).  You can also binge watch his films on Netflix and Amazon Prime.  If you can’t find it there, dust off your library card and check the movies out for free at your local library.]


I’m In Heaven

While I was walking to the library last night, I was thinking about Gene Wilder and how sad I was that he was no longer with us.   Then I heard Louis Armstrong singing “I’m in heaven.”  I could envision Wilder singing and dancing around, happy as a lamb in that tuxedo from Young Frankenstein.  It made me smile.  He’s in a very happy place, so no one should be sad for him.

On the way home from the library, I heard the song again.  Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald singing “I’m in heaven,” from “Cheek to Cheek.”  Those were the only lyrics that kept playing over and over again: “I’m in heaven.”  There were no other words from the song, just “I’m in heaven” again and again.


Knowing how strange that was and for it to happen twice, I brought it up in my meditation last night.  What was explained was this…this is how you do life correctly.  If you want to make a lasting impact on your own life and be rewarded in the afterlife, you create happiness for others.  You want people speaking wonderful things about you when you die, so give them something to be happy about.  Impact their lives with happiness.  That is the goal everyone should have: to create everlasting happiness in the world.

That is what Gene Wilder did.  In the letter his nephew wrote, he spoke of when Gene was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, he did not want the world to know so that when children would see Willy Wonka, it would not be filled with sadness when parents had to explain what had happened to him.  He wanted that pure innocence and joy of seeing Willy Wonka to be something amazing for the children and not marked with sadness by his illness.  He did not want to scar this incredible moment for the child because a parent would have to explain to them about the illness, thus creating a sad moment instead of a happy moment.


He wanted the kids to be happy when they saw him.

That is the most important thing about life: to make others happy.  Make them laugh.  Let your legacy be about the happiness you brought to others so that when it is your time to depart this life, the world will be speaking wonders of how happy you made them.

What Gene Wilder brought to the world was laughter and happiness.  That’s the way the world sent him off, with happy blessings for all of the happiness he brought to them.  That is the key ingredient to having a blissful afterlife.  Ask yourself: How did you make the world feel about your existence here?


Making People Happy Long After You Are Gone

The Moroccans tell a tale from 1927 of an American woman who loved animals. She was appalled at the working conditions of the animals there, so she created an animal hospital (called the American Fondouk (fondouk means ‘inn’)) in Fez, Morocco.  There, any working animal can be treated for its ailments for free.  For those with pets, they have to pay a fee for their care.  [Since donkeys and horses are essential to the work people do in Morocco, to lose an animal could mean loss of income.  If you can afford to have a pet, then you should be able to pay for its care.]  MORE ON THAT STORY.

It is her kindness, that decades after her death, is still remembered.  They still speak praises of her and what she did for the people there.  Her good works continue long after her passing.  Her family may have forgotten her, but the people of Morocco remember her for the good she brought to them and continues to bring to them.


Live Life Miraculously

You want to live life miraculously?  Make your life story about what you did for others.  Let the world remember you for the great things you did to uplift them.

For Gene Wilder, he brought the world happiness.  He left this world hearing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”  I’m sure he’s happily dancing and singing his way through the corridors of heaven.  The world remembers how happy he made them.  That’s the way we should all leave this world, letting the world remember how happy we made them.  Our world is better for it.  That is the obligation we owe to this gift called life.  Repay the kindness of this gift of life by doing something extraordinarily good for the world.


When the Universe Winks Back at You

That's just the universe winking back at you
Have you ever noticed when you are living your dreams, things start to work out more magically than they ever did before?  It is as if the universe is conspiring to help you along on your journey.  It brings circumstances and people to you that help you benefit in your endeavors.  They are all heavenly tools designed to help you along your journey in becoming your true self.

When you are living your dreams, you start to notice how your world is changing.  You are becoming the person you always dreamed you would be.

But be careful, because you’ll feel a lot of self-doubt along the way.  You’ll question yourself and if you’re doing the right thing.  In religion, we say that’s the devil talking to you, trying to stop you from becoming the person that God set out for you to become.  Don’t ever listen to the naysayers, the people that don’t believe in you, the dream killers, and that inner voice that seeks to sabotage you.  They have no place in your future.  To listen to them turns your dream into a nightmare.  It turns your dream into a fear.

Listen to your heart.  It is guiding you to become your own best self.   Don’t let the negative forces out there stop you from becoming your true self, because God knows, the negative forces will try to stop you.

It’s similar to the Temptation of Christ.  When the Devil tried to tempt Jesus, it was right before he set off to become God’s messenger that would commence a new global religion.  The Devil tried again and again and again to tempt Jesus.  It was by knocking the Devil to the curb that Jesus was able to focus on being true to himself.  It was only when he told the Devil to go away that the angels came down to help him.

You have to push away all of the negative things that try to prevent you from seeking out your dreams.  Once you’ve done that, everything is smooth sailing.  It’s like the universe conspires to help you achieve your dreams, but that is only after you have decided to walk away from all of the negative influences surrounding you that are trying to say that you can’t be the person you know inside of you is the person you are meant to become.

Your Biggest Obstacle

Your biggest obstacle will always be yourself.  We oftentimes have dreams of how we would like to live and then we tell ourselves that it can’t happen.  We thwart our own progress and opportunities.  We become afraid to become the person we want to become.

We create our own obstacles along the way.  Instead of waking up early to write the next great novel, we sleep in.  Instead of working out, we look for the first excuse we can find to get out of going to the gym.  When we diet, we create temptations that make us succumb to cheating and then that leads us to completely failing our diets.

We can become our own greatest enemy.  Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, focus on how you feel when you are making progress with your dream.  Dreams don’t just come true overnight.  It takes a lot of work, a lot of steps, a lot of misfires and a lot of setbacks.  If you keep watching what works and follow that direction, you’ll find things work out magically.  Everything becomes synchronistic.  It’s the universe winking back at you saying that you are on your way.


Focus on that “I’m Doing It” Happy Feeling

There is nothing more amazing than that feeling you get while you are working away at your dream.  You feel like you are accomplishing something magnificent when that feeling hits.  You are actually doing something about that dream.

When you feel that “I’m Doing It” happy feeling, keep going.  Remember every single time you step away from the dream to work on something else that you need to get right back to that happy feeling again.  Let that happy feeling be your drive to seeing your dream to fruition.

The dream is about the journey you take, not the end result.  Enjoy every single second of that dream.  Become involved in every single aspect that goes into your dream, even the small stuff, because when the big stuff happens, it will mean so much more to you, but you’ll also remember what little stuff went into creating the big stuff.  It’s the little stuff you’ll remember more.


Enjoy the Ride

The things you’ll love about following your dreams are the incredible moments that happen along the way.  That song playing the right tune at the right moment, you’ll remember that always.  That person you spent 10 minutes with that you’ll never see again, what they said in those moments will become a newfound direction.  That person you meet that’s already living their dreams, shares a bit of their passion in life with you…that’s the move that inspires you to keep going.

There are incredible things that happen when you are living your dream.  I’m living proof of that.  One thing and then the next and then the next happens and you’re standing there thinking, “What does all this mean?”  That’s just the universe winking at you, telling you…this is your life now…go forward and be prosperous.

Enjoy every moment of the ride.  It’s about the journey, not the end result.  The journey is what is so incredible.  The end result is just a moment, and the sign of a journey’s end.  You now have to go find another dream to live.  It’s the journey to get there that is the incredible dream.  After all, when we dream, it’s not the end result that makes the dream fantastic.  It’s the story of what led up to that moment that we remember.

Living our dreams is about deciding to live in the story that we have created for ourselves.  We become the author, the narrator, the actor and the director.  We become the story we want to live.  We stop letting everything else in the world dictate our story for us.  Our story we have written for ourselves becomes our own reality.

What is stopping you from living your dreams?  Go after them.  Live each and every single dream.  Don’t be afraid to live in the unknowing.  You know this is what you want, so go for it.  Never be afraid to be you.




It’s All About the Climb

Diary Entry (11/13/2014)

I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to go back and look at the puzzle pieces in my life.  I’m thankful I’ve kept this blog over the years so that I can see the life I lived.  There are things I don’t understand like why I’m in this present moment, but going back and reading the entries over again, I start to remember the steps along this path.

Over this past year, I’ve been struggling with memories.  I lost the majority of them after my surgery last year.  I had cognitive issues prior to going into the surgery (a side effect of too much calcium in the blood).  But this could also just be a side effect from the anesthesia.  Who knows. All I know is my present struggle I have with both short and long term memories.It's All About the Climb

Because I know I have cognitive issues now, I’ve been taking steps to re-learn a lot of things like math.  It’s hard knowing that I used to be really good at math, and now all of a sudden I don’t know how to add 2+2.  I give up the second I have to multiply anything.  I count using my fingers and then get so flustered when I don’t understand what comes after 11.

There are days math is simple and I feel like I’m remembering the simple math.  Then there are days when it just doesn’t come to me.

The doctor says I’m too young to have Alzheimer’s.  But the fact remains, something happened (or is happening).

Writing used to be extremely difficult.  To combat that, I’ve been writing more and reading more.  I edit more, too.  I go back and read things a good 10 times before I publish.  Then after I publish, I end up editing it another 3 more times.  But the important thing is, practice makes perfect.

I didn’t start this post to talk about my cognitive issues.  I wanted to talk about those puzzle pieces.


A few years ago, my Moroccan friend Driss told me to take a look at my life.  This life is leading somewhere.  I just have to figure out where it’s going.  It’s apparent that all of the pieces are in place.  I just have to figure out what it all means.

Going back and reading the posts over this last year when the signs kept saying “Go back to the beginning” and “Start all over again,” who knew that starting all over again would mean wiping out so many memories from before.

I even wrote about ‘Re-Branding Yourself.’  Ends up that’s what I’ve been spending a lot of time focusing on.  I didn’t realize how re-branding myself would take me into a whole new territory.  The direction I decided to take myself and my career ended up being a lot harder.  It meant more research.  It meant going out and meeting the people I need to know and learn from in order to make this next step in life.  They say that when you are on your path in life, you attract the people to you that will help you along the way.  The universe will drop into your lap the tools you need in order to grow.

Who knew that going to meet Anne Rice and see her speak about her own career would put me in a unique spot where I realized I’m learning about the changes in going from a hockey writer to a novelist.  Hearing her editor speak alongside her helped me realize this unique opportunity to learn what it was I was writing.  What set Anne aside from the rest, she was innovative.  Interview With the Vampire had never been done before when it was released back in 1976.  That was what made it so important.

I thought back to what I was writing and realized…this has also never been done before.  As much as I complain (mainly to myself) that there is nothing out there for people like me, I realize that’s because I need to create something for people like me.  If that means diving into insanity and hoping I come out alive, then so be it.  That may be what it takes to write what needs to be written.

And that has turned into its own theme in the re-branding: to write what needs to be written.  What I mean by that is the reason why this blog exists…to help others in the grander scheme of things.  If telling a story of someone’s struggle in life in order to get to where they are today helps someone else out there, then that’s the story that needs to be told.  You never know who is reading.  Just being honest and truthful will help not only yourself, but others.

In the re-branding I noticed the theme in my work that was being repeated over and over again…telling the stories that will help others.  Those stories are going to be my main focus.




I also wanted to make sure I had more fan engagement when it comes to hockey, so I changed the way I covered and wrote about hockey.  In other words, I’m investing in the fans just as much as they invest in me and my work.  I’m giving them different content, but content they will enjoy.

I’m also spending a lot more time researching different subjects pertaining to the content I’m developing.  Sometimes this research is hard and difficult to absorb because of the shock that goes along with it, but it needs to be done in order to understand the bigger picture as a whole.

What this all means in the end is that for what I want in this re-brand, it takes a lot of work…much more work than I’ve ever had to do before.  Things in life have always come very easily for me.  This time around, I want things to be better than they ever were before.  I’m branching out of my own comfort zone because I want something bigger out of life…something I’ve never had before.

As I move into the re-brand phase, I am constantly reviewing who to affiliate myself with.  I’m looking for the things that are missing in this world, and I’m trying to fill it with an answer.  The key to being innovative is to deliver something new to the people.  Along the way, you have to pay it forward.  Helping others that will help you, those are the people you work with.  Most importantly, you promote people that deserve it.  Just like if you deserve to be promoted, someone out there will notice your work and promote it.  They’ll tell others about you and what you’ve done.  Some times, word of mouth is a much louder advertising device than just an ad you pay for.  Those are the people you aim to be your audience.

It’s just funny how everything changed last year and I’m now looking back and understanding that certain things had to happen the way they happened in order to push me in a new direction.  Starting over again meant starting over bigger than before.  That only means that it takes a lot of hard work to do what I’m trying to do.  Hopefully, what I’m creating is the right thing in the long run for everyone.  It’s amazing to see just what I gave up in order to push myself forward.

The road ahead requires a lot of hard work, but I’m up for the challenge.  After all, if the journey isn’t difficult, when you reach the top, did it truly mean anything in the end?  What every person has ever told me…it’s all about the climb.




The Septembers of Shiraz

septembers of shirazI just finished reading “The Septembers of Shiraz” by Dalia Sofer. It really made me think a lot about religion, privileges and circumstances.

I’ve learned over the past few years that it is difficult to be friends with people that are not in the same class as you financially. The main reason has a lot to do with how money makes others feel.

For those who have abundance and can buy their own freedom, they can’t trust those who do not have these same privileges. Why? Because the green eyed monster can take its toll. In places like Iran (where the setting in this book takes place) where the mullahs rule, having abundance is looked down upon.

They will rob a man who worked hard to have the finer things in life. They will say that they have a right to those things. They take from others what they did not earn. They justify their thievery by saying that someone who worked hard for those things did not deserve them.

The thing is, we see this everywhere. People who are less fortunate blaming those who are fortunate and worked hard. That’s not to say that everyone doesn’t work hard. It’s just sometimes people think that people that are more fortunate didn’t earn it or work hard for it. We all do…but the type of labor performed is different in every circumstance.

Some people work 18 hour days and even though they have a family, they are married to their work moreso than to their own families. They miss out on that treasure because they’ve determined that providing for them was more important then nurturing them.


Others make their family their priority, and in some people’s eyes, that makes that family the richest family around. Some people can’t have a family, so seeing a couple with a few kids running around will make them a little bit jealous.

What one man’s fortune is can be different for the next man. It doesn’t always involve money. Being fortunate requires a lot of work in life (no matter how it’s performed). We oftentimes give up one thing so that we can have another thing.

I gave up the thoughts of getting married and having a family of my own because I was more fortunate in my career. I’m already well aware that if I were to have a family I would have to choose whether to give up my career or let my children be raised by nannies. With the way my life has been going, it’s better to just forego making that decision and continue doing what I’m doing…that is until God changes my circumstances.

A lot of people assume I’ve always had money. The truth is…there was a time when I had to hit rock bottom in life and try to be the starving artist in order to realize what it was I wanted out of life. I remember how my diet consisted of chicken broth (which ironically is still the case but that’s due to different circumstances).

During that time, I didn’t have a choice…I could only afford chicken broth. Now, it is a choice.

I always like to remind myself of where I came from and how I rose above those circumstances to be where I am today. I was fortunate in my path in life. But this is my path. It is not meant to be traveled upon by anyone else but me.

We make choices as we go along this path in life. We have a choice of suffering or letting go of the suffering and realizing that we don’t have to suffer in life. We are in charge of our own life and the choices we ultimately make.  Paulo Coelho’s “The Alchemist” is a great example of this.

When people allow jealousy in to dictate how they will treat the next person…it’s not right. Shakespeare did not call it the green eyed monster for nothing! Jealousy is a monster. It changes people. It makes them bitter, evil and mean. It does not serve anyone any good to be jealous. It only promotes more hate in the world.

The “Septembers of Shiraz” really made me think a lot about life and our circumstances. It’s not just a story of a Jew that is thrown in prison by mullahs in Iran. It has a lot of deep meaning to it.

It also really made me dislike religions even more. It’s just amazing how much hate is spread if you believe differently then the next person. To be ridiculed, tortured and forced to believe in something you don’t is to me…absolutely STUPID. Can’t we all just get along?

You believe how you want to believe. I’ll believe how I want to believe. The only thing we can agree on…is just being neighborly. Love your neighbor as you love yourself.